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Needing help!!
Ok, I had no idea how to actually start a post or what, so I had to just reply~ sorry!!!
I'm looking for a bit of advise from anyone really.... I've just found our that my boyfriend (I'm female) had sex with men when he was younger.... I really don't know what to think!! I have nothing against homosexuality, but obviously I don't want my partner to be... He says that he was confused at the time and it is completely in his past as he doesn't want to be with men. He also said he was ashamed of it.
I'm not ashamed of him or disgusted or anything like that, I'm just shocked as the thought that he might have done anything like that hadn't even entered my head.
Please can anyone give their opinion to this no matter what it is, as I need to talk to someone!! Thank you so much

Hi Dolphin.

I really dont think there's anything to be worried about personally. Many guys experimented with their sexuality in their younger years. Some of them found what they were really looking for, others didnt.

Think of it this way.. Is it really more shocking than say finding out your boyfriend was heavily into drugs once ? Or that he was addicted to porn etc.

Are you worried because he's "been" there and "done that" before he's likely to again ?

Can I ask how old your partner is ?.. Chances are he was most likely a teenager when this happened, a lot of years have gone by, he's matured, knows what he wants now.

It can be hard to talk to him, he may not want to chat about his past, like you said, he says he's ashamed. Have you told him you hold nothing against him? YOU are not ashamed of him.. still love him etc. He may feel feel he could possibly lose you now you know about his past. Reassure him that may not be the case.

I will not say it was a mistake on his behalf, clearly it wasn't, he was just acting on his feelings at that time, it just happens.. these things do and we really have no control over them at times.

I'm not exactly one of the best people when it comes to giving advice at times, but let some of the other guys on here share their thoughts before you act on anything, hopefully we can help to ease your wearyness on this issue.

Take it easy and STOP worrying !!


There's nothing wrong with experimenting and really I feel if he told you, a person he loves, that he has no interest in doing it again, then he really doesn't. Did he tell you, or was it someone else?

Hey Dolphin. I understand it must be quite a shock to you. But it shows his honesty... which in turn shows how much he values you. It's obviously something which he has trouble accepting in himself (even though he's not gay, it's still hard to accept).

I guess all you can do is be there for him, and help him to understand it's shocked you too. But it's not bad. I mean, any sized secret can be a shock, but not necessarily a bad one. Just support each other.

And finally -hugs-

Hello dolphin!

I understand how this kind of situation make you feel confused and a bit unsafe with the other person. Normally you will start having second thoughts about your relationship/priorities and question things a little more. You said you are not disgusted or ashamed of him which is really good! How does it make you feel? What worries you exactly, it will help us and you to understand the situation more.
What else i need to know to give lets say a more accurate opinion/advice is how old both of you are, how long you have been together, how did the conversation about his experiences came up and when did he had these experiences.

Dont worry, and for now i ll just make a note and say something v simple.
Experimenting with our sexuality is far from being gay or bisexual...what defines our sexuality i believe is what we decide we finally like. So someone who had been with men is not gay or bisexual. It comes down to what decision he makes; does he like men, women, both or he made off his mind and he likes women and interested in you only... (that is what matters really isnt it ?)


Thank you so much for all your replies everyone.... I'm 25 and he's 27 and it happened a long time ago.... He also didn't tell me, I found out from his ex who was stirring up a whole load of trouble and tried to use this as something against him too.
We've discussed it and he's said how he tried it and found it wasn't for him so wouldn't go back there again. What worries me is that he will! ....From reading your replies though I feel a lot more reasurred so thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Xxxx

You are welcome dolphin

You came to know about it from his ex when she was stirring things up to embarrass him and apparently damage his relationship with you- very classy of her.. At this point i understand why he didnt tell you about this himself.

It is not set in stone that because he did it a long time ago he will do it again.
But how more different would it be for you if he cheats with a man or a woman? A cheater is a cheater no matter with whom he cheats.
As for being ashamed of himself he shouldnt be, maybe embarrassed but there are worse things to be ashamed of, open page 3 of the Independent any day.
People have a past, weaknesses and is actually good if someone tries before he makes of his mind on anything including sex/sexuality too. Thing is can you trust him?

I see it like this:You are quite lucky you came to know about it and now it is your choice .You can choose to use this to create a foundation of trust in your relationship or choose the worries to take the best of you.
If you both are happy in your relationship the rest is peanuts. So if you love him and he does too then here is your chance to win each other's trust make your relationship very strong and have only great things to wait for- not many people have this chance.
You could tell him you are not ashamed nor disgusted, your expectation of him and your relationship and make him feel confident to talk to you about anything and take it from there. It's better to know than not having a clue where you stand. I am sure you will be fine Confusedmile:

PS. His ex is a bitch!

You do realise it is normal for guys to experiment at a younger age....well generally...

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