Is he a top or bottom?

[Anonymous]

So let's say your dating a guy, and you like him, and you two finally become intimate and you discover that you both strongly prefer to be a bottom or top. Would that be a reason to move on for you, or would you find other ways to be sexual? Has this ever happened to anyone before? Also, are there ways (preferably subtle) to inquire about someone's preferred role prior to moment itself?

[ShiftyNJ]

No, as long it wasn't a show stopper for him either. A lot of guys are neither, or adaptable (I saw a statistic, God knows where it came from, on here saying 60% of gay couples don't engage in butt sex at all. And I strongly encourage not waiting til "the moment" to have a conversation about likes/dislikes.

[Pyromancer]

If the relationship is important to you then you're either both going to have to be versatile or else eliminate anal altogether.

As to how you find out ahead of time...ask...Why would you need to be subtle? Lol I once had a guy I barely knew ask me that because he was thinking about asking me out. It's not a big deal.

[jimcrackcorn]

Having sex with your boyfriend or husband should be looked at as "Love Making". When you love someone - you want to please them, and if they love you too - then they want to please you also.

Most of us spend the majority of our days doing other things besides having sex,,, so,, with that thought in mind,, the sexual part of a relationship shouldn't be the sole factor on deciding whether your compatible or not.

To put it in simple terms, don't become rigid about "who does what to who" when having sex (making love).

Another thought; To my recollection,the terms "Top" and "bottom" were not even in the gay vocabulary 30 years ago, and we somehow managed to have sex without labeling our positions.

With a quick look on the internet, I viewed a study where it stated the majority of gay men are versatile in bed. That's good news!!! I was afraid the gay world had become so rigid that marriage nuptials had to include what positions each partner must play in bed.

If I wanted to find out the preferred sexual position of a prospective love interest, I'd strike up a conversation on the topic of Tops & Bottoms and see what he thinks about them.

Respectfully,
Jim
.

[phillyboy1234]

You could bring it up jokingly. One time on a date (it was not our first date) a guy was telling me about his ex and I jokingly slipped in, "I pegged you for a bottom!". He answered and because it was done in a lighthearted manner he was very relaxed about it.

[meridannight]

well, i'm versatile, and i'd prefer a guy who was also versatile. but no, it is not a show stopper if he is only either top or bottom. and it is not easier for me to adapt either just because i like it both ways. if i got together with a guy who was 100% either top or bottom....i'd have to give up one way to express my affection for him, and that is not easy to live with long term. short term it can work, but in the long term there's gotta be a compatibility beyond sex to make it work.

what i'm trying to say is -- it depends a lot on the guy and the connection between you. if it's the real thing you'll both want to make it work and usually that means you'll try alternatives.

[Darius]

It seems to me that if it is a deal breaker, your relationship was more about sex than love.
I'm not saying sex isn't important, but shouldn't love be more important?

People compromise on a lot of things, love shouldn't be one of them.

[phillyboy1234]

It seems to me that if it is a deal breaker, your relationship was more about sex than love.
I'm not saying sex isn't important, but shouldn't love be more important?

People compromise on a lot of things, love shouldn't be one of them.

Love is great, but the term can also be abused. It takes two people, but one person can use it to his advantage. "If you love me, you will always bottom/top", "if you love me, you will bareback", "if you love me, you will let me play while you are away for work", etc. It probably makes more sense to talk about certain things as the seriousness of the relationship perks up. If that conversation leads to a definite impasse, then the couple needs to figure things out.

It reminds me of another topic on here, where two guys are dating and one told the other that he would not do anything sexual unless they got married. It is very extreme, but he was forthcoming about how he felt and the partner agreed. The outcome could have been very different had he not been so forthcoming with his strong opinions on premarital sex.

[Lexington]

If I'm hooking up with a guy, it doesn't matter in the slightest. I consider myself a versatile top, so I'm willing to adapt to whatever the circumstances suggest.

If I'm dating a guy, it might be a bit different.

People compromise on a lot of things, love shouldn't be one of them.

Actually, relationships involve a fair amount of compromise - not just in the bedroom but everywhere. You want to go some place fancy for dinner, he wants a quick burger. You want to stay in and watch TV, he wants to go out and do something together. You like sleeping with the window open, he prefers it closed. These are things you work out together to make the relationship work. If the relationship was strong in every other way, I'm positive I could date a "total top" - either he'd decide he wasn't such a total top after all, or I'd decide I'd be fine bottoming all the time, or we'd generally stick with non-anal sex activities in bed, or we'd keep the relationship open. There are all sorts of ways to make it work.

Lex

[Julio]

Why dose it always have to be top or bottom I believe that there should be compromise I was going to date this guy that was a top only but I like to be top to so it caused alot of issues between us