Still closeted at 48...ugh

[isobears]

It's 2015, and I live in a very accommodating society, so some may find it strange that I'm still in the closet. But I've been suppressing my same-sex attraction for years due to family and work environments. At 38, I finally had my first experience, and at 44 I fell in love for the first time. At 48, I'm still working things out, but am scared as hell of coming out. I have a very good friend whom I've been dropping hints to, and I'm sure he'll be the first to know (if he doesn't already).

But as for other friends and family, I really don't know. Not that it's anyone's business who I sleep with, but after all this time, I'm tired of being someone that I'm not. Being masculine and bearish, everyone just assumes that I'm straight (at least, to the best of my knowledge). I certainly don't fit the "stereotype", if there is such a thing these days. I've dated women off and on over the years, and although I certainly found them attractive, sexually they were never able to truly satisfy me. It wasn't until I was with another masculine bear-type that I really connected with someone in bed.

I'm posting this primarily just to vent LOL. I decided this summer that I would finally try to figure things out. I've even started going to the gay village here in Toronto (a huge deal for someone like me who's closeted!). Baby steps, I suppose, but steps in the right direction.

Has anyone never come out to family? My father is deceased, and my mother is elderly. She has suffered her own share of heartache over the years, so I'm hesitant to reveal this to her so late in life. I truly don't know how she'll react. I'm also still dealing with self-acceptance, and trying to rid myself of all this self-loathing.

No small task, eh?

[Lexington]

Welcome to the site!

I probably could've stayed in the closet, as well. I'm often mistaken for straight by those who don't know me that well. But it's nice to not have to gauge reactions...to not have to play games with pronouns....to be able to talk to my friends about who I'm dating, who I'm interested in...to have my partner join me in social situations without minimizing our relationship. In a weird way, it's no big deal...even as it's a big deal. Hopefully you can find out for yourself soon.

Lex

[Lalo]

There are a lot of resources out there for you. And here are two links for you to check out:

http://www.lgbtagingcenter.org/resources...s.cfm?s=31
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/14...93292.html

The first step is being honest with yourself, and you sound like you are well on your way with that. Coming out when you are older has its own challenges. But hang in there. Get some help, read, gain as much information as possible. Then move ahead when YOU are ready. There isn't a set rule about how to come out or a set time frame.

Good luck!

[Cuddly]

At the end of the day it's your life and you cannot lie yourself straight. You can't know how they'll react, but if/when you tell them, remember that they need time to process the news, like you (and everybody else) did.
Do you have siblings?

[CellarDweller]

You may find out that more people know than you think. When I came out most of my friends told me they had strong suspicions for a long time.

When you come out you'll feel like a great weight is off your shoulders, but you can only come out when you are ready.

[Lexington]

You may find out that more people know than you think. When I came out most of my friends told me they had strong suspicions for a long time.

This. The biggest sign of homosexuality isn't fabulosity or a fantastic fashion sense - it's a lack of real interest in the opposite sex. You may have dated a few women, but I'm guessing you coming out won't be the absolute shock you might think it might be.

Lex

[isobears]

Thanks for all the responses. I have four siblings, none of whom have ever questioned my lack of long-term girlfriends (especially considering I lived elsewhere for most of my 20s/30s, and only got home once a year). However, it is possible that some of them have wondered over the years.

I was preparing to start the process of coming out after I reconnected with a guy whom I first met about 2 years ago. He was the first man I really connected with on all levels, and I fell in love (and never felt that deeply with a woman). It was a long distance relationship, but we were making it work by trading off visits once a month--and calling or skyping practically daily.

But after 5 months, he went from hot to cold in a matter of days. No real explanation, he just explained that "he'd never be the man I wanted him to be". Made no sense, considering he seemed to have LTR on his mind at all times. We were so damn compatible! Oh well, live and learn. Long story short--I would have come out had we still been together, because I would have wanted my friends to meet the guy who I was in love with. But we're no longer together...so much for that.

Who knows when I'll be ready. Thanks again for everyone's insight.

[matty7]

Everyones got an idivdual way of coming out...and when, so do what feels right for you....I will say that telling someone close to you is a big relief though....bit like taking the lid off the pressure cooker, im also sure that more than one of your friends have probably guessed too,
Good luck though as you sound like a positive type of guy

[Iceblink]

Thanks for all the responses. I have four siblings, none of whom have ever questioned my lack of long-term girlfriends (especially considering I lived elsewhere for most of my 20s/30s, and only got home once a year). However, it is possible that some of them have wondered over the years.

Funny you said this, because as I was reading through the thread and saw that CellarDweller had mentioned there may be people that already know, this is exactly what came to mind. Some gay people have convinced themselves that as long as they do not appear to be the stereotypes people have in mind about gay men, no one can figure it out, but there are other things that make people wonder. One of the major ones is a person that has reached a certain age and has not had or mentioned any girlfriends. When in the closet, we convince ourselves of a lot of odd things. Another one is if we do not say anything about our personal life at work, we are acting just like straight people because they don't tell you they are straight, when in reality we are acting nothing like straight people. Of course they are not going to talk about their sex life at work, but your coworker is also not going to hesitate to tell you she is leaving an hour early because her husband's car broke down and she has to pick him up. When she said "husband," she just revealed something about her orientation and in her mind she said nothing particularly sensitive or intrusive about her life. So while we make think taking great care to not give any clues that might reveal our orientation, it is that omission of the kinds of things most people say in ordinary conversation that makes some people wonder. Most people are too polite to say anything, but believe me, if you are one those people being very cautious and overly private, there are people thinking in the back of their mind that you might be gay.

[Bookworm]

^^^ That's how my sister figured me out. My lack of any communication about my dating life or talk of girls in general, and how I used to wriggle out of probing questions on my presumed straight love life! Living away from my home town did help too.

When I was in the process of coming out to her she stopped me in mid flow to tell me she already knew. She'd joined the dots years before and was just waiting for me to say something! :biggrin:

So you'd be surprised at how many people may already suspect or know already.