07-28-2015, 01:54 PM
So as I promised a long time ago, I’d write this to you guys (Go to my "Ranting away on GS post to know what's up). Since I’ve been here on GS for more than a year, it would be fair to share my past in order get an idea of what I had to go through to be who I am today. Please, I don’t need any kind of pity or anyone to feel sorry for me; I needed my past to be my present. I don’t feel sorry for me so why should any of you?!
I came out a much better person with a lot more shaped personality.
Abuse cuts the veins of love and he cut mine a long time ago… Things went bad between us. So bad that our fights came down to a knife point… twice! He told me that he contemplated my killing, what my death would be like, what would happen after?... my dad is a fucked up fanatic who I can no longer handle being anywhere near his presence.
Writing this made me realize how twisted and bitter he was and still is, a disgusting hypocrite pig! He left a huge void inside me without ever showing any kind of remorse or regret. He didn’t even think that he was a bad person. Even worse, he always thought he was right.
I am somewhere I am not accepted. Somewhere I do not belong. I did everything I could to not let this unbearably bleak place dampen my spirit. In a course of a toxic relationship, people tend to envy you, criticize you, hurt you, break you, take you for granted, bring out the worst in you and blame you for it. Too bad my family turned out to be that... Toxic. Very toxic. My whole life, I have been expected to be this prototype son. I tried to behave in a certain way to fit their image of “the perfect son†I was trying my best not to let my parents down and even when I was the perfect kid, they never seemed satisfied. They always kept pointing out my flaws and focused on them. No matter how much I tried, it was never good enough. Nothing ever was.
My story began when dad cheated on mom by marrying another wife from behind her back. It broke her entirely since he was her first love, man, husband… Everything really. She loved him so much she would have given up everything for him.
Most people would decide to quit, leave the house and never look back! She didn’t. She stuck around for us. Sacrificed her life, heart and dignity so that we can grow up unharmed, normal and have an independent future.
While He went fooling around with his bitch of a second wife, he was drowning in debts and went broke. When things didn’t go his way, he resorted to my mother. But you don’t have a shelter after destroying it. Hence, my mom never let herself go down that path again. She refused to help him which he didn’t take well. He dealt with his shock by screaming, yelling, fighting, and once got physical with her. It’s not like she just sat and cried. No, she yelled, fought, screamed and hit back. She never feared him but she just got tired of his games; too tired. My dad being low on cash wasn’t going to help our situation, he needed to solve his problem so he sold our house and moved us into a tacky, misty, underground apartment. It was awful and too small to fit us all in… It consisted of two rooms, a bathroom and a kitchen and they all were small. There were six of us. Me, my brother, our three sisters and mom. We used to all sleep in one room. A year after, we moved into a better apartment. I was 12 then. My love for dad remained and I never minded him cheating on mom. I started minding him when he started favoring my two younger sisters over me and giving them a better treatment. How he used to talk to me, perceive me and treat me. He made me feel worthless, unhappy, like a slave. I felt like nothing. I was also getting bullied at school by a bunch of jealous kids because of my academic excellence. To top it off, I was going through my sexual confusion when I started looking at men in a different way; an affectionate and passionate way. Then I thought it was some kind of a rare disease. I went on Google trying to find some answers to what I was dealing with.
“Being gay isn’t a disease. Hence, there is no cure. It is perfectly normal and you can’t change it no matter how hard you try.â€Â
When I read that answer, I was freaking out. Basically I used to go to school, get verbally or physically bullied. Go home, cry about it. Get told to suck it up and stop acting like a “girl†or a “Childâ€Â. Then go to my room and think about what “gay†is… Because being gay is a social catastrophe, there was no one to talk to. Hence, I had to figure it all out on my own. Sure, I stayed in denial for a very long time but I got there.
Getting abused at school, home plus the confusion of my sexuality turned into a pattern that went on for three years in a row until I grew up and changed. However, my father’s apathy and negligence continued and grew. He became someone I couldn’t talk to, communicate with or even recognize. When he used to call my name, I could sense a tone of vicious mockery in his voice. I could swear that he saw me as a rival. For all I know, he might have even feared me. His financial issues continued. He needed a permanent solution that doesn’t worry him about his problem anymore. It’s why he went off to get married to another woman. A third woman, his third “precious†wife. A poor, naïve and good hearted teacher with a steady salary. She had her own story. Divorced twice with a child to support and he took advantage of her. He lured her into thinking that he was a great man with amazing qualities. Not that she ever worried about his other two marriages. Until she gave him a loan after a loan, he took off his mask and showed his real-self. A mean, vicious, self-indulgent person.
He left her hanging. Stuck between his miserable marriage and divorcing him. If she divorced him, she’d have to do it without him paying her a penny and go back to her family under the dominance of her brothers and parents. Which doesn’t give her much freedom since they used to cash her paychecks from work. If she didn’t (which she is for now) she’s just going to have to live off of whatever is left from her salary because of the loans she gave him. She once begged him to stay with her (Since he only sees her once a month or two…) he gave her an ultimatum. Either him or her only kid. He offered to spend some time with her and stay at her place if she gave her kid up for her parents and not have him live with her anymore. Sure, she refused. That’s why he only sees her a few times a month and now she is just way too fed up with him and can’t handle him anymore, she just can’t. That’s why they are likely going to divorce (So I’ve heard.)
This is my dad, this is my family, this is my life and that’s my world. Those bitter memories he left me. So bitter I would feel ashamed if I spoke of them. They’re the only thing I got from him whenever I remembered him.
My dad has committed a crime. He took my pride, my dignity, self-esteem and self-respect. He took and took and took without ever giving back as much as he took. To me that is a crime and he deserves to go to trial for that. However, he got his punishment alright. He is a military retired, old, disgusting pig working on a small van, selling supplies like pens, shampoos, shaving razors… Etc to support his second family. Only, it isn’t enough to cover his second house living costs like rent, electricity, water, groceries and other stuff to support his new born baby. He suffers from many diseases… high blood pressure, cartilage (He cannot walk so well) and many other numerous diseases that he suffers from which I cannot recall since I stopped giving a damn..
That’s not it. Recently, my mom turned bitter. Nasty bitter. Never supportive about anything, always underestimating me and always makes me feel how my dad used to make me feel. This has been happening a lot lately. I can’t have a decent conversation without her somehow turning it to talk about how shitty my dad was, and still is… Or about how much of a bad son I am to her, or how I am an inadequate person… Or, or, or… She’s become the worst. They are no good to me. They always bring out the worst in me and make me look like the bad person in the end. Even worse, there is no one to agree with me here. Whoever I turn to talk to and share things with always takes their side. Sometimes, all I need is just someone to sit there, listening. I don’t want that person to fix anything or do anything. I just want him to be listening and understanding. I have lived a tough life in the past ten years… But, did I deserve it?
I always keep asking myself, will things get better? I am always hopeful yet it frankly hasn’t gotten me far enough. I won’t deny the fact that I always try to live a happy life and have a positive attitude, nor will I deny that also good things happen to me. Lots of good things but I just wanted to focus on the bad side of my life cuz it really is a tough part that I am still living and I wanted to convey this to you. I just know that when I leave out of here, I will never look back. Not once. I am not sure if I am just saying this now because I am in the moment of adversity and that perhaps my heart will soften when I am actually away and I will look back but one thing I know for sure is that I will never regret my decision of leaving. This is why your family doesn’t have to be your blood. You can always go out there and fetch your own family and I am not talking about a husband and a bunch of kids, I mean friends and people who are close to you. Nurturing relationships that bring out the best in you. All I am hoping for now is to not let this change me and become one of them. The thought itself is sickening.
I came out a much better person with a lot more shaped personality.
Abuse cuts the veins of love and he cut mine a long time ago… Things went bad between us. So bad that our fights came down to a knife point… twice! He told me that he contemplated my killing, what my death would be like, what would happen after?... my dad is a fucked up fanatic who I can no longer handle being anywhere near his presence.
Writing this made me realize how twisted and bitter he was and still is, a disgusting hypocrite pig! He left a huge void inside me without ever showing any kind of remorse or regret. He didn’t even think that he was a bad person. Even worse, he always thought he was right.
I am somewhere I am not accepted. Somewhere I do not belong. I did everything I could to not let this unbearably bleak place dampen my spirit. In a course of a toxic relationship, people tend to envy you, criticize you, hurt you, break you, take you for granted, bring out the worst in you and blame you for it. Too bad my family turned out to be that... Toxic. Very toxic. My whole life, I have been expected to be this prototype son. I tried to behave in a certain way to fit their image of “the perfect son†I was trying my best not to let my parents down and even when I was the perfect kid, they never seemed satisfied. They always kept pointing out my flaws and focused on them. No matter how much I tried, it was never good enough. Nothing ever was.
My story began when dad cheated on mom by marrying another wife from behind her back. It broke her entirely since he was her first love, man, husband… Everything really. She loved him so much she would have given up everything for him.
Most people would decide to quit, leave the house and never look back! She didn’t. She stuck around for us. Sacrificed her life, heart and dignity so that we can grow up unharmed, normal and have an independent future.
While He went fooling around with his bitch of a second wife, he was drowning in debts and went broke. When things didn’t go his way, he resorted to my mother. But you don’t have a shelter after destroying it. Hence, my mom never let herself go down that path again. She refused to help him which he didn’t take well. He dealt with his shock by screaming, yelling, fighting, and once got physical with her. It’s not like she just sat and cried. No, she yelled, fought, screamed and hit back. She never feared him but she just got tired of his games; too tired. My dad being low on cash wasn’t going to help our situation, he needed to solve his problem so he sold our house and moved us into a tacky, misty, underground apartment. It was awful and too small to fit us all in… It consisted of two rooms, a bathroom and a kitchen and they all were small. There were six of us. Me, my brother, our three sisters and mom. We used to all sleep in one room. A year after, we moved into a better apartment. I was 12 then. My love for dad remained and I never minded him cheating on mom. I started minding him when he started favoring my two younger sisters over me and giving them a better treatment. How he used to talk to me, perceive me and treat me. He made me feel worthless, unhappy, like a slave. I felt like nothing. I was also getting bullied at school by a bunch of jealous kids because of my academic excellence. To top it off, I was going through my sexual confusion when I started looking at men in a different way; an affectionate and passionate way. Then I thought it was some kind of a rare disease. I went on Google trying to find some answers to what I was dealing with.
“Being gay isn’t a disease. Hence, there is no cure. It is perfectly normal and you can’t change it no matter how hard you try.â€Â
When I read that answer, I was freaking out. Basically I used to go to school, get verbally or physically bullied. Go home, cry about it. Get told to suck it up and stop acting like a “girl†or a “Childâ€Â. Then go to my room and think about what “gay†is… Because being gay is a social catastrophe, there was no one to talk to. Hence, I had to figure it all out on my own. Sure, I stayed in denial for a very long time but I got there.
Getting abused at school, home plus the confusion of my sexuality turned into a pattern that went on for three years in a row until I grew up and changed. However, my father’s apathy and negligence continued and grew. He became someone I couldn’t talk to, communicate with or even recognize. When he used to call my name, I could sense a tone of vicious mockery in his voice. I could swear that he saw me as a rival. For all I know, he might have even feared me. His financial issues continued. He needed a permanent solution that doesn’t worry him about his problem anymore. It’s why he went off to get married to another woman. A third woman, his third “precious†wife. A poor, naïve and good hearted teacher with a steady salary. She had her own story. Divorced twice with a child to support and he took advantage of her. He lured her into thinking that he was a great man with amazing qualities. Not that she ever worried about his other two marriages. Until she gave him a loan after a loan, he took off his mask and showed his real-self. A mean, vicious, self-indulgent person.
He left her hanging. Stuck between his miserable marriage and divorcing him. If she divorced him, she’d have to do it without him paying her a penny and go back to her family under the dominance of her brothers and parents. Which doesn’t give her much freedom since they used to cash her paychecks from work. If she didn’t (which she is for now) she’s just going to have to live off of whatever is left from her salary because of the loans she gave him. She once begged him to stay with her (Since he only sees her once a month or two…) he gave her an ultimatum. Either him or her only kid. He offered to spend some time with her and stay at her place if she gave her kid up for her parents and not have him live with her anymore. Sure, she refused. That’s why he only sees her a few times a month and now she is just way too fed up with him and can’t handle him anymore, she just can’t. That’s why they are likely going to divorce (So I’ve heard.)
This is my dad, this is my family, this is my life and that’s my world. Those bitter memories he left me. So bitter I would feel ashamed if I spoke of them. They’re the only thing I got from him whenever I remembered him.
My dad has committed a crime. He took my pride, my dignity, self-esteem and self-respect. He took and took and took without ever giving back as much as he took. To me that is a crime and he deserves to go to trial for that. However, he got his punishment alright. He is a military retired, old, disgusting pig working on a small van, selling supplies like pens, shampoos, shaving razors… Etc to support his second family. Only, it isn’t enough to cover his second house living costs like rent, electricity, water, groceries and other stuff to support his new born baby. He suffers from many diseases… high blood pressure, cartilage (He cannot walk so well) and many other numerous diseases that he suffers from which I cannot recall since I stopped giving a damn..
That’s not it. Recently, my mom turned bitter. Nasty bitter. Never supportive about anything, always underestimating me and always makes me feel how my dad used to make me feel. This has been happening a lot lately. I can’t have a decent conversation without her somehow turning it to talk about how shitty my dad was, and still is… Or about how much of a bad son I am to her, or how I am an inadequate person… Or, or, or… She’s become the worst. They are no good to me. They always bring out the worst in me and make me look like the bad person in the end. Even worse, there is no one to agree with me here. Whoever I turn to talk to and share things with always takes their side. Sometimes, all I need is just someone to sit there, listening. I don’t want that person to fix anything or do anything. I just want him to be listening and understanding. I have lived a tough life in the past ten years… But, did I deserve it?
I always keep asking myself, will things get better? I am always hopeful yet it frankly hasn’t gotten me far enough. I won’t deny the fact that I always try to live a happy life and have a positive attitude, nor will I deny that also good things happen to me. Lots of good things but I just wanted to focus on the bad side of my life cuz it really is a tough part that I am still living and I wanted to convey this to you. I just know that when I leave out of here, I will never look back. Not once. I am not sure if I am just saying this now because I am in the moment of adversity and that perhaps my heart will soften when I am actually away and I will look back but one thing I know for sure is that I will never regret my decision of leaving. This is why your family doesn’t have to be your blood. You can always go out there and fetch your own family and I am not talking about a husband and a bunch of kids, I mean friends and people who are close to you. Nurturing relationships that bring out the best in you. All I am hoping for now is to not let this change me and become one of them. The thought itself is sickening.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Capricorn
Gemini
Aries
Cancer
