Not sure this is working any more

[GuyOverThere]

So, I've been dating this guy now for 4 months. We had so much fun in the early stages, but it soon became apparent he was insecure. He has got better with the insecurity issues and paranoia (at one point he was looking through my phone every time I left the room), but it's still there, and I now feel like he's controlling me to a degree.

I was between jobs for 5 months or so. I've bagged a job I love, but he's complaining that he doesn't see me now (even though we still meet each other nearly every night and message/call each other non stop) and tries to make me feel bad.

I find myself often just saying what he wants to hear, but it soon turns around that I'm a liar and I've hurt him. I just say these things for a quiet life. It's getting to the point where I'm frightened of what to say, for fear of an argument, but even then we still fight every time we see each other.

I was planning on getting engaged to this man soon, but it sort of feels like our thing has been so damaged, it's beyond repair. I'm really gutted tbh.

Could people please give me advice on where to go from here.

[Rareboy]

Run like the wind.

Seriously. This guy is damaged. You can't fix him. He has to fix himself.

Wish him well. Be a friend to him even. But don't hitch yourself to his wagon. It is so loaded down with toxic baggage that you'll both end up being swallowed by the mud.

[East]

Yeah...if you do hook up with him...build a second garage to house the U-Haul of crap he has goin' on.

I would also show compassion and be a friend if possible...but he has to face his demons...the sooner the better...

[Cuddly]

I don't know him, but it sounds like he needs to hear the truth.
He's so insecure that he's pushing you away.

[LJay]

Doesn't sound happy and healthy at all.

A couple should be able to operate separately and feel just fine about it. He wants you to follow all his ways. You will not be able to grow, either of you, if this continues.

Split up.

[Anocxu]

So, I've been dating this guy now for 4 months. We had so much fun in the early stages

Most relationships start out that way..
I call it .."The Chemical Phase"
"That New Guy Smell"

When we fall in love or think we are about to ..we are stuck on an irrational, hormonal high .. It's pretty much the brain releasing mad amounts of endorphins.

It soon became apparent he was insecure.
He has got better with the insecurity issues and paranoia (at one point he was looking through my phone every time I left the room), but it's still there.

Some men / women are naturally insecure for several reasons, past relationships, childhood trauma etc..but intelligence and rational thinking should keep insecurities in check.

I've been in relationships before where my partner injected so much B.S . Into the relationship that it made me insecure...

Now violating your personal effects is crossing the line.

Whatever drove his insecurities should have been presented into a discussion.
He should have talked to you..

Or..

You should have confronted him.

* Are you feeding his insecurities?
* Is there lack of communication ?

Now feel like he's controlling me to a degree.

'Control' is for herding sheep or cattle.
You are a grown man with a vibrant life ahead.
Tell him to step back.. Or step away.

I was between jobs for 5 months or so. I've bagged a job I love, but he's complaining that he doesn't see me now (even though we still meet each other nearly every night and message/call each other non stop) and tries to make me feel bad.

So there is adjustment period here...
You two spent tons of time together and now you're NOT.

Changes can be rough...
Pushing you into guilt is a waste of time.
He should be happy for you ..
He could get creative in spending time with you..
After all work is work..
You have to make a living.

I find myself often just saying what he wants to hear, but it soon turns around that I'm a liar and I've hurt him. I just say these things for a quiet life. It's getting to the point where I'm frightened of what to say, for fear of an argument, but even then we still fight every time we see each other.

So this is where you are creating a mess ...

Important issues should never be "smoothed over" or "brushed under a rug"

-->They re-surface EVERY Time.<----
If you find you are unable to discuss issues rationally..
Then there is a problem.
This is where you two need some space...Time apart.

I was planning on getting engaged to this man soon.

Oh Lawd a mercy !!!... No!!..
Not after 4 months.
You two are having way too much trouble with small issues..
The bigger ones would topple you.

It sort of feels like our thing has been so damaged, it's beyond repair. I'm really gutted tbh.

Nonsense!!
You two are out of the honeymoon phase..
Reality is setting...
You are still comparing "Now" to "When we met".
Yes..
You two are terrible at handling your issues..
You can definitely learn.

My opinion
You two need to develop an entire new system of communication.

You CANNOT yes your boyfriend to death and expect the outcome to be rational.

Your boyfriend needs to understand you are not a clutch purse.
He has to loosen his grip.
He is choking the fun out of the relationship.

The minute he starts tightening his grip...
You need to let him know without argument.

Sometimes you have to step away for a bit.

It is important for you to do YOU.<---

Could people please give me advice on where to go from here.

I have been in your shoes..
My post is without judgement..
If I some how presented myself as a judgement dick..
Apologies.
Just hoping you two will make an a rational attempt to sort your issues before you call it quits.

You are letting an insecure partner run the relationship.

Maybe you should take the lead?

Ps.
I just billed you 150 bux for my services. ..

[jimcrackcorn]

Your boyfriend needs to seek professional help to learn how to get past his insecurities. Couples counseling might be the next step if you want to stay with this guy.

If this is the only problem in the relationship, and everything else is going well,,,, then set him down and have a long serious conversation about getting him help for his problem.

Most people have baggage that they bring into the relationship, and sometimes that baggage can be an insurmountable problem that neither of you can fix.

[Virge]

Run!
Go!
Now!
Fast!


Good luck

[TwisttheLeaf]

I agree with the others on the moving on part. It definitely sounds like it's time to move on.

That said? I also wanted to comment on this....

I find myself often just saying what he wants to hear, but it soon turns around that I'm a liar and I've hurt him. I just say these things for a quiet life. It's getting to the point where I'm frightened of what to say, for fear of an argument, but even then we still fight every time we see each other.

If you live your life honestly and authentically, a LOT of things become more simple. Don't pander. Don't just say what you think people want to hear. Be HONEST with yourself and others, and let the chips fall where they may. If you stick to this? You may clash now and then, but at least you KNOW those you clash with are aware where you stand, what your limits are, and that you're honest to a fault. This is a good thing.

[MikeW]

...Don't just say what you think people want to hear. Be HONEST with yourself and others, and let the chips fall where they may. If you stick to this? You may clash now and then, but at least you KNOW those you clash with are aware where you stand, what your limits are, and that you're honest to a fault. This is a good thing.

QFT

I see this time and time again in this forum. Someone comes and spills their guts about their BF or partner and asks us for advice... when the obvious advice is obvious: Tell your BF or partner what you just told us. Print your post out and hand it to him. Because here, with us, you're being honest about how you see the situation and how you feel about it. What could be better than knowing your own truth and speaking it? Yeah, for sure, some people can't handle our truth... we don't want those people in our lives. It's as simple as that.