2 weeks sober

[JimmyEcho]

Yes, 2 Weeks Sober.

I've been going to AA and trying my best to relate to why I do the things I do.
OH MY GOD!!! There are so many good people at AA that are willing to help me and I Get Really Choked Up------Because I feel I don't deserve it.
I'm not Gay
I told a few people what I do and they said straight out (Your looking for instant gratification) and your getting that in the Gay community, however it is only short lived.

This Blew My Mind!!! I don't know where to begin.
YES!!! Their exactally right. -----After I quite Drinking, (which is another story of Hell) I realize that it made me feel good to get the compliments and get hit on by all the Gays.
My Workout has increased so much because of this, like 1000 push ups and sit ups a week, just to look awesome. and here is the screwed up thing---- I'll DO THIS WORK OUT JUST TO GET THE LOOKS FROM OTHER MEN---- Even though I tell myself I'm not attracted to them.

So I start going to AA meetings and I found there are LGBT AA Meetings. and I start going to them, with really tight shirts and my italian good looks. and had soooo many members willing to offer me assistance.-----(OH, THIS IS ANOTHER STORY I'LL HAVE TO INFORM YOU ABOUT LATER)

O.K. Now I have another problem ------I went to the local Gay Bar.
I got REALLY attracted to this young guy going to the bathroom as I was walking out, and I rubbed his shoulder and said "you are Hot'"

WHY AM I ATTRACTED TO HIM!!!!!!!
I'm so messed up. whats wrong with me. I MEAN I WAS REALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM AND I TOLD HIM (WOW, YOU ARE SUPER HOT) ---- He smiled and said "thank you", and you have a super hot body"----- that's not what I was looking for. I wanted him to tell me I was pretty--or--good looking also. ----But I'll take super hot body. (it's true)
My heart was pumping and I started sweating around him. He was soooo awesome and very very Pretty, I wanted to pick him up and carry him to the back room. NOW I KNOW I HAVE SOME GAY TENDENCIES WITH THOUGHTS LIKE THAT. (Right?)
I'm Messed up!!!!

I have a lot to work on and I'm so GLAD Andy didn't Ban me from this site.

Please bare with me, I'm almost to the point where I can figure out what's going on with me.------YES, I'M PROBABLY GAY AND CAN'T DEAL WITH MY CONSERVATIVE FAMILY!!!
It was Burned into my brain that I can not be Gay or I would be shunned from the family.
I'm in denial, brainwashed into something that is so wrong.

[East]

(((Jimmy)))....I hope you keep going to the meetings...and keep figuring out what the truth is...

AA and NA saved my life....just keep going back...you'll know why....

Sometimes when people ask me what the difference between someone who drinks...and an alcoholic...I tell them that an alcoholic drinks because they don't want to feel what they feel...and to overcome it you have to get in touch with yourself...it can be a bitch....usually is...but it is soooooooooooooo worth it......

[Darius]

I hope you get the help you need. The alcoholism is undoubtedly a symptom of something far greater. Are you receiving private counseling as well as in groups, like AA?

[Anocxu]

Congratulations on taking the first steps...

Instant gratification from the gay community huh?

That's a really complex position to be in..

[MikeW]

...NOW I KNOW I HAVE SOME GAY TENDENCIES WITH THOUGHTS LIKE THAT. (Right?)
I'm Messed up!!!!...

Yeah, you are and best not to forget it. You're an alcoholic and you need these meetings (and private therapy/counseling, I'd recommend) to begin to get a handle on what's really going on with you. I don't know, none of us do; its something you have to discover for yourself. I would advise NOT (at this point) trying to label yourself "gay, straight, bi," or w/e. Ok, so you were attracted to this guy, just notice it; don't make a big deal of it in your mind. There are lots of things you'll be noticing so long as you're sober. It's like discovering pieces of a puzzle that are scattered all over the map of your life and, slowly, reassembling them into a new understanding of yourself. But that takes time. In the mean time, just keep in mind that you are, indeed, "messed up" and that it will be awhile before you can think clearly about who you really are.