The price of Freedom

[BlueStar]

When success is all you have left, when everybody who meant something to you has been snatched, who is worth fighting for anymore?

How could a person be so loveless? Why have I become so stubborn?

15 days a dead man, unable to feel anything but pure emptiness, from the day he was gone for good, from my arms... to be armed again. No shoulder to cry on, tears have dried too early.

3 more days and it will all be over.

I have no idea how to face all the memories my mind is able to call out, from age 11 to this day, when I start living on my own over 2000 miles away from here.

15 days and I couldn't cry, troubled sleeping, blurred nightmares, revived flashbacks of pretty much every moment I had spent going mad and attempting suicide. Burning friendships, scarring relationships, smothering prison-like haven, oblivion that has never seemed so endless.

I have a bad sensation something is going on inside my subconscious. I hope it's not what I'm thinking about.

It's going to take much more time for me to recover from all this voiceless pain.

But the price of Freedom? For once I can tell you it was worth it, even for one lovely heart-warming day. As long as I lost everything except myself, the whole journey with its passing-by hours of fun was worth the sacrifice.

I see a light approaching, it shouldn't be far by now... 3 days left. Trust me, I'm optimistic and positive. I wanna be a novelist someday.

[ceez]

I hope it gets better for you, it sounds like you're about to have a chance to start life over

[Edward]

I didn't really understand what are you talking about - a breakup?, a death of someone? but if you're going to react in this way for every bad thing happening in your life, you'll end up in a nuthouse. There are no irreplaceable people, sooner or later.

[ShiftyNJ]

Long ago
In someone else's lifetime
Someone with my name
Who looked a lot like me
Came to know
A man and made a promise
He only had to say
And that's where I would be
Lately
Although the feelings run just as deep
The promise I made has grown impossible to keep
And yet I wish it wasn't so
Will he miss me if I go?

In a way
It's someone else's story
I don't see myself
As taking part at all
Yesterday
A boy that I was fond of
Finally could see
The writing on the wall
Sadly
He realized he'd been left behind
And sadder than that he knew he didn't even mind
And though there's nothing left to say
Would he listen if I stay?

It's all very well to say, "You fool! it's now or never!"
I could be choosing
No choices whatsoever.

I could be
In someone else's story
In someone else's life
And he could be in mine
I don't see
A reason to be lonely
I could take my chances
Further down the line
And if
That boy I knew should ask my advice
Oh I wouldn't hesitate he needn't ask me twice
Go now!
I'd tell him that for free
Trouble is, the boy is me
The story is, the boy is me.

[jimcrackcorn]

Good luck on your trip...

Wishing you the best.

Jim

[Rod]

I read this three times. and STILL don't know what your talking about. Can we just stop being so metaphorical and work our emotions into basic substance. None of this decoding nonsense. Lets be real???

[Darius]

I read this three times. and STILL don't know what your talking about. Can we just stop being so metaphorical and work our emotions into basic substance. None of this decoding nonsense. Lets be real???

If you're new to GS, what BlueStar posted will seem cryptic to you. For those of us who have been here a bit longer, we know he is referring to things he shared before.
I understand much of it, but it's up to BlueStar to explain to newbies like yourself if he so chooses.

[BlueStar]

I know my original post isn't very clear but I could only write it down this way.

August 15, 2015 I broke up wit my first love after bitter goodbyes. He is enlisted in an autonomous armed force and he was called periodically for missions against the terrorists in Syria. Our separation, now you know, is like I already lost him as a person more than as a lover. Being the only kind-heart guy who knew the real me, my lover, my best friend, my hero, whom I loved more than anybody, gone to the battlefield's darkness while I start a new life... what do you expect other than feeling there's no life after him and just before my plane takes off for a new beginning?

I myself can't believe I had moved on just the day after, on August 16, with no tears, like nothing happened, like I never met him, the endless oblivion I referred to above. It's not because I am too strong that I moved on so quickly, it's because I had, again, no shoulder to cry on.

I went camping this weekend but I only slept one night out of two as presumed. I left earlier because I couldn't handle more pain at night, staring at the moonlight trees trying not to think of anything, trying to make desperate inner peace so I could fall asleep. And when I did for 4 hours, nightmares invaded my mind and I woke up so stressed that I had to say goodbye to a cute guy who had the thanked guts to warm me up with comforting words.

However, I'm not going to share my thoughts on that bad sensation I have going on in my subconscious, not until I have medical proof it's exactly what I was fearing and wishing at the same time.

May I be grateful to myself, may it be arrogance or not, that I saved my own life instead of sniveling and living in the past of a pure illusion and believing it's real to mess up the few stuff I still have left of this cursed land.

Does my post make sense to you now?

[wayward]

Have you truly attempted suicide? Is you life endangered by your own hand? Many fall into dark paths of the mind. All is temporary. Have you done something which compromises your integrity? If so, forgive. You know already the weight of your soul, and your decisions, but from the young place you inhabit you may not know the full weight of all of your passions. From your history you know them to be burdensome, and you have known dalliance which has seemed novel, profound, perhaps incomparable. Do not attempt to know what the future brings. Step into it. Find out what resides beyond your dreams. All the best. Wayward

[Steve]

I had no idea BlueStar. No idea at all how bad it was for you.

Give yourself time. Keeping putting one foot in front of the other, do what you're supposed to do one task at a time, even when it makes no sense to you. Because eventually it will make sense. Surviving this hurt will make you a better man. It will.

xx
.