What to do when you don't know someone's trans

[TonyAndonuts]

So a friend of mine told me that he accidentally offended a trans man. He’d met a new group of people on campus and one of them was trans. He didn’t know this at the time, heck he didn’t even know most of their names since they’d just met. But at some point he referred to the trans man as “she”, and from that point on he got really quiet and the atmosphere was more awkward. After they left, one person from the group told my friend that that person was trans and my friend probably offended him. He felt bad, but honestly, how was he supposed to know at the time? He told me that even though the person was trans, he really didn’t look the part. He had a fairly feminine body, a feminine face, and a feminine voice. The only thing that could be considered masculine was his very short hair. I’m not sure what else my friend could’ve done aside from straight up ask, but that could also offend someone because what if they weren’t trans and he just insinuated that the person looked like they could be.

This also reminded me of a time when I was hanging out with a gay friend. He told me that he had a roommate who’s always out. His roommate had a typical boy name and he’d refer to him as he. So of course, I figured his roommate was a guy. But one day, I actually got to see him….but just about everything about him screamed female to me. Like with the situation my friend got in, this guy’s only real masculine feature was having short hair and wearing typically masculine clothing. But he had a feminine voice, a feminine face, and clear breasts (or man boobs??). I was tempted to ask, but I decided not to because I didn’t want to offend him. If he wasn’t trans and was just a guy from birth, I would’ve insinuated that he looked like a girl. If he WAS trans, I might also insinuate that his transition from female to male is obvious. I guess if he identifies as male, that’s all that should matter and I can just call him a he. But sometimes it’s difficult for my brain to process that information in split second situations. If I see what looks like a guy or girl, my brain registers it as such and “he or she” comes out of my mouth. So sometimes I worry that I might slip up.

I really wonder what a person is to do in situations like this. I know appearances doesn’t define one’s gender identity, but how is someone supposed to tell when meeting for the first time? If you met someone who mostly had a traditionally feminine appearance, I think most people would make the connection that they’re female, like my friend did. But what do you do when they actually identify as male and you have no idea?

[ShiftyNJ]

Been in this situation, or potentially in it, many times because of the volunteering I was doing. When you go to a meeting with LGBT activist folks they do a "preferred pronoun" survey at the beginning, which seems silly and obvious until you hear about a situation like this.

If I am not sure of a person's gender identity, I ask their name and then refer to them by their name. Even though it makes my inner grammarian scream, you can also refer to a person as "they" (and many trans or genderqueer (ambiguous) folks request this be used when referring to them. Since it is neither gender it is never biologically incorrect, while simultaneously being always grammatically incorrect!

[MikeW]

I don't know, I'm a curmudgeon and don't handle "politically correct" nazis very well at all.

To my mind it is very simple. If I get your gender wrong, just correct me for heaven's sake. I can be educated. I'm happy to refer to you by whatever gender (or non-gender) you want.

But don't get all pissed off at me just because I don't KNOW from the outset... especially if you're in transition or choosing gender ambiguity. Taking offense and getting pissed off at someone for their ignorance is just stupid. It's DEFENSIVE and says to me that the person reacting isn't HIM/HER/THEIR self *comfortable* with him/her/their own gender identity.

Not my problem.

[IanSaysHi]

For me, this is the key part of the story:

After they left, one person from the group told my friend that that person was trans and my friend probably offended him.

The actual person who may/may not have been offended didn't actually say anything. Instead, someone else, who could have given constructive feedback like "just to let you know, xxxxx is trans and identifies as a he/she, so you know for future" decided to throw in their own opinion. They didn't have to stir the pot by adding in that they probably offended him.

[ShiftyNJ]

I don't know, I'm a curmudgeon and don't handle "politically correct" nazis very well at all.

To my mind it is very simple. If I get your gender wrong, just correct me for heaven's sake. I can be educated. I'm happy to refer to you by whatever gender (or non-gender) you want.

But don't get all pissed off at me just because I don't KNOW from the outset... especially if you're in transition or choosing gender ambiguity. Taking offense and getting pissed off at someone for their ignorance is just stupid. It's DEFENSIVE and says to me that the person reacting isn't HIM/HER/THEIR self *comfortable* with him/her/their own gender identity.

Not my problem.

And thus I retired. It got exhausting, because unfortunately people didn't even take the fact that you were there volunteering as a meeting as a statement of good intent. The activists spent so much energy correcting each other that we barely got to the wider world.

[meridannight]

The actual person who may/may not have been offended didn't actually say anything. Instead, someone else, who could have given constructive feedback like "just to let you know, xxxxx is trans and identifies as a he/she, so you know for future" decided to throw in their own opinion.

this is exactly what i wanted to say.

some third person told your friend he thinks he offended someone else? why take that at face value? it's only someone's speculation.

if it looks and sounds like a female, what else are you supposed to call it? if you're really that concerned for some stranger, then ask them. or don't ask, and make an assumption. those are your two choices.

[Emiliano]

If I were in a situation where I didn't know a persons gender, I'd first ask their name in a friendly introduce myself sort of way. If that didn't give me a clue as to what gender the person identified with I'd avoid using pronouns to refer to them as gracefully as I could. Then I'd ask someone later if that person was trans.

I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone who was transitioning by calling them out or not using their preferred pronouns, but it also seems like most people in transition are aware they may not look typically male or female.

More offensive than using the wrong pronouns or assuming a person is trans who maybe isn't, is acting like someone is invisible or impossible to interact with. So whether or not their gender identity is known, it's important in my mind to still view them a person and to engage in the conversation just like anyone else. As long as you do that and are friendly and positive, I'd think it'd be forgivable to misuse a pronoun when you don't know. I'd also like to see a world where a trans person would feel empowered enough to correct a person who used the wrong pronoun, but I also understand why they might be hesitant to do so.

I'd just suggest the next time your friend saw that person, that they act friendly and use the preferred pronoun, and just move past the initial awkward confusion. It's understandable.