Frustration
10-04-2015, 12:56 PM
Well, my first post, actually i've been here for a while now and have been browsing through a lot of good stuffs. Okay, I'm writing this post to share with you some of my frustrations in life and hoping to hear your advises.
You know, people often say stuffs like: Cheer up, Be positive, and Move on, I too tell myself to move on like 20 times a day and i try my best to stand strong in the darkest moments. But sometimes, you have to understand, things are so bad that trying to fake my emotions makes me feel like I'm lying to myself, when your mood slides downhill to deeply that forcing yourself to feel positive is totally painstaking progress. So I've come to conclude that the best way to deal with my crisis is sharing it with others, I haven't shared my feeling with a lot of people in real life since there are very few people who would listen, so I choose to share it here hopefully you guys won't be too judgmental and apathetic like some people who seems to give a fuck after I told them my story.
Well, here it is, I have always been interested in art, actually I can't say that i have some talents in this field, but a lot of people have complimented on my drawings since I was a kid and they still did when I grew older. During middle school, i had always hoped that in the future i will choose to follow some sort of art-related career for a living, you know, like a designer, freelance artists, doing commissions, stuffs like that.
But all of these hopeful thoughts crumbled when i got into high school, i suffered mental illness during high school, for nearly three years, i struggled with confusion. severe self-consciousness. and difficult interactions with others, At some points, literally I have no friend at all. I swore that I went through some sort of delirium at the end of high school, I wasn't sure what I'm gonna do when i graduated, no plans for future. Well unlike other countries, in my country, going to the university is the only choice you got after graduating from high school, and the entrance exam takes place right after your graduation, my family urged me to choose a field to attend, I had come to realize my dream, fading in and out of my mid. But how can i choose to attend an entrance exam in a designer course when obviously I wasn't educated about that course at all for the last three years? The pressure, the tension, frustration from my family and the haunting mental illness that stuck to my head like a brain tumor had driven me to randomly select a course to participate, just to ease down all the fire that surrounded me when people of my age are ready to enter the exam,except me. In fact, not until the very few years later that I recognized I had mental illness.
You have to imagine it like this, everyone around me knew that there was something abnormal in me. But mental illness? a few people assumed, in fact my behaviors sometimes were close to normal, but sickened progressively, not even I realized that I had mental illness. I was taken to the hospital once, but the doctors there failed to diagnose my problem. And before high school, I was completely normal that it was kind of hard for everyone i know to recognize that I had mental illness, even me. Not until the third year in the university, when I was reading an article online about mental illness that i finally realized what kind of people I had been for the last half of a decade!
Now, back to my progress, I had chosen the hospitality industry as my future career, I swear that I had no idea what I was studying for the first two years! I skipped school constantly, being isolated in class, and literally never shared anything with anyone because either people I know won't listen or I felt too ashamed of myself. Actually, at some point after the first year in the university, I somehow realized, with all the strength I got, that I had abandoned my dream as an artist. I was thinking to spend all my efforts on a hospitality course that I don't want and probably wouldn't fit in anyway is worthless and a waste of time. So I shared with my parents my opinion, they agreed to let me attend an art class, but refused to let me drop out of school, they said it's not worth throwing away all of the money and effort I had spent when getting into this school. Well, they had their point. But when I attended that class, I still had mental illness, and soon once again, I was isolated, mentally bullied and unwelcomed in that art class. I broke down too much that finally I gave up and dropped out from the class and continued with the hospitality course at school.
Now, 4 years pasted, I could tell that my sickness is waning, I become more cheerful, I hang out with people more often, though still I don't have any actual friend who is close to me. But as my mind become clearer, I come to realize all the years I had wasted. And now what? I'm working in the hospitality industry, particularly in the hotel field, I'm like I must be kidding myself, the industry that hesitates to employ a person with the slightest of health problem, let alone mental illness. I will never success in my career, and above all, this is not what I want. I am not fully cleared of my illness yet.
Sometimes, i sit alone, murmuring to myself "What have I done? What kind of person am I? What should I do?" I still struggle with pulling myself together and keep things straight. I wake up in the morning staring at nothing but the void of my dream and the full realization of how pathetic my life is right now. Helpless, hopeless, talent-free, career-free.
I want to tell my mother that I want to study about designing again, but I can't since she resisted my desire and I can't blame her, she had already spent too much on my treatment and the current study. I have a part-time job, but my personal income has to stack up for a year to afford a two month course, and that's only the beginning level. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown but there's nothing I can do to stop it.
So I just want to tell you that this is the first time I shared this much about me, because there's hardly anyone in real life who listens to half of what I said, they either judge me, brag about themselves, assume I'm a loser and pathetically whiny person, leaving me with even more deepened wound than before. I'm not asking too much from your advice but I also want to hear your stories, what you are going through right now, that would mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.
You know, people often say stuffs like: Cheer up, Be positive, and Move on, I too tell myself to move on like 20 times a day and i try my best to stand strong in the darkest moments. But sometimes, you have to understand, things are so bad that trying to fake my emotions makes me feel like I'm lying to myself, when your mood slides downhill to deeply that forcing yourself to feel positive is totally painstaking progress. So I've come to conclude that the best way to deal with my crisis is sharing it with others, I haven't shared my feeling with a lot of people in real life since there are very few people who would listen, so I choose to share it here hopefully you guys won't be too judgmental and apathetic like some people who seems to give a fuck after I told them my story.
Well, here it is, I have always been interested in art, actually I can't say that i have some talents in this field, but a lot of people have complimented on my drawings since I was a kid and they still did when I grew older. During middle school, i had always hoped that in the future i will choose to follow some sort of art-related career for a living, you know, like a designer, freelance artists, doing commissions, stuffs like that.
But all of these hopeful thoughts crumbled when i got into high school, i suffered mental illness during high school, for nearly three years, i struggled with confusion. severe self-consciousness. and difficult interactions with others, At some points, literally I have no friend at all. I swore that I went through some sort of delirium at the end of high school, I wasn't sure what I'm gonna do when i graduated, no plans for future. Well unlike other countries, in my country, going to the university is the only choice you got after graduating from high school, and the entrance exam takes place right after your graduation, my family urged me to choose a field to attend, I had come to realize my dream, fading in and out of my mid. But how can i choose to attend an entrance exam in a designer course when obviously I wasn't educated about that course at all for the last three years? The pressure, the tension, frustration from my family and the haunting mental illness that stuck to my head like a brain tumor had driven me to randomly select a course to participate, just to ease down all the fire that surrounded me when people of my age are ready to enter the exam,except me. In fact, not until the very few years later that I recognized I had mental illness.
You have to imagine it like this, everyone around me knew that there was something abnormal in me. But mental illness? a few people assumed, in fact my behaviors sometimes were close to normal, but sickened progressively, not even I realized that I had mental illness. I was taken to the hospital once, but the doctors there failed to diagnose my problem. And before high school, I was completely normal that it was kind of hard for everyone i know to recognize that I had mental illness, even me. Not until the third year in the university, when I was reading an article online about mental illness that i finally realized what kind of people I had been for the last half of a decade!
Now, back to my progress, I had chosen the hospitality industry as my future career, I swear that I had no idea what I was studying for the first two years! I skipped school constantly, being isolated in class, and literally never shared anything with anyone because either people I know won't listen or I felt too ashamed of myself. Actually, at some point after the first year in the university, I somehow realized, with all the strength I got, that I had abandoned my dream as an artist. I was thinking to spend all my efforts on a hospitality course that I don't want and probably wouldn't fit in anyway is worthless and a waste of time. So I shared with my parents my opinion, they agreed to let me attend an art class, but refused to let me drop out of school, they said it's not worth throwing away all of the money and effort I had spent when getting into this school. Well, they had their point. But when I attended that class, I still had mental illness, and soon once again, I was isolated, mentally bullied and unwelcomed in that art class. I broke down too much that finally I gave up and dropped out from the class and continued with the hospitality course at school.
Now, 4 years pasted, I could tell that my sickness is waning, I become more cheerful, I hang out with people more often, though still I don't have any actual friend who is close to me. But as my mind become clearer, I come to realize all the years I had wasted. And now what? I'm working in the hospitality industry, particularly in the hotel field, I'm like I must be kidding myself, the industry that hesitates to employ a person with the slightest of health problem, let alone mental illness. I will never success in my career, and above all, this is not what I want. I am not fully cleared of my illness yet.
Sometimes, i sit alone, murmuring to myself "What have I done? What kind of person am I? What should I do?" I still struggle with pulling myself together and keep things straight. I wake up in the morning staring at nothing but the void of my dream and the full realization of how pathetic my life is right now. Helpless, hopeless, talent-free, career-free.
I want to tell my mother that I want to study about designing again, but I can't since she resisted my desire and I can't blame her, she had already spent too much on my treatment and the current study. I have a part-time job, but my personal income has to stack up for a year to afford a two month course, and that's only the beginning level. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown but there's nothing I can do to stop it.
So I just want to tell you that this is the first time I shared this much about me, because there's hardly anyone in real life who listens to half of what I said, they either judge me, brag about themselves, assume I'm a loser and pathetically whiny person, leaving me with even more deepened wound than before. I'm not asking too much from your advice but I also want to hear your stories, what you are going through right now, that would mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.
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