Feeling pretty hopeless :/

[Irishguy]

Hey everyone, I am not usually the type to post about my problems on forums online (or any social media outlet) but due to my current circumstances of not being out I've no one to really talk to and am feeling pretty hopeless right now. I am a 24 year old gay guy, living in Ireland and have fully accepted my sexuality at about age 20, I don't mind the fact that I'm gay it's the general attitude of other gay guys that's bothering me. I am goodlooking and fairly outgoing so it's not meeting guys that's causing me issues, it's the fact that every guy I've met has lied to me about their intentions from the start, I have dated about 5 guys, two of them were initially a casual arrangement which was cool, I got fed up of that and started wanting to seriously date guys with a view to a relationship so the last three guys all said they shared the same views and basically just played me admitting their intentions at the end, all three of them! The last one is really what has ripped me up though, he is a student and I have a job so when we started dating and after the first date I said I was happy to pay( he didnt ask, I offered), all was good and we met up all the time until I started notice a pattern where he was only contacting me when there seemed to be something in it for him be it free food, entertainment, sex... I suspected this for about a month but i have honestly never felt this way about someone so ignored it, then one night we went to the cinema and then to get food and he just acted like a total dick all night making rude remarks etc, we went to get the pizza and he sat there on his phone the whole time and ate one slice of the pizza (from the resturaunt he kept asking to go to) then asked for a take away box for the rest and hastily left afterwards. This in itself is one thing but it kinda all clicked at that point, this guy had been using me for months pretending he was just as interested in me until he had me on what he perceived to be some kind of hook. After this I texted him asking if he was actually interested and what his intentions were, he said he was not interested in a relationship and he had been anxious about being in a relationship since the second date but was waiting to see if his feelings changed as he really did like me (he kept reassuring me he had not played me) and that he would love to say lets be friends but usually people lose contact after that and he wanted to remain friends. I basically said I like him and I'd need to not speak to him for a few months so deleted his number and removed him from all social media. He met up with me a couple times a week, had sex with me, had me pay for his food, had me write letters and things on his behalf... he basically just used me for months! I think this was the first time I ever fell for someone and to know they just wanted to use me for months has left me feeling so stupid, I am usually very upbeat and outgoing but this has left me feeling really vulnerable and probably more depressed that I've ever felt. I am only out to one friend and they're not a great listener so I cannot talk to any of my other friends about this. Do you think it's realistic as a gay man to expect to ever be in a serious relationship or to date normal people?

[Anocxu]

Hey Irishguy.
First of all happy Birthday
And secondly..
Apologies for the late reply.

So..
" The dating game " can be an absolute nightmare..
especially if you you are still trying to search for answers along the way..
(I'll clarify)

I think you have a good idea what you want .. but you are going about things incorrectly ( Which is what brings you here)

First..
You cannot indulge a user.
It's not good for your mental health or your self esteem...
If you allow men to use you .. it will definitely ruin your chances of dating successfully.

You have to take a long hard look at how , why and where you choose your dates ... change things .. in order to get different results.

I'll give you some examples..

First and foremost...
~>Slow Down<~
*Time is the only thing that will reveal the true intentions of your dates ... not His Words.

*If you are using hook up applications to find a long term relationship..
YOU have to be extremely clever about it.Your profile should say exactly what you are looking for..and your behavior should reflect exactly what you say in your profile.
Example ;
"Long term relationship oriented " "Not looking for casual encounters "
Then your actions should definitely follow your words..

How about extending the time between initial online contact and meeting up?

Now dates do not necessary have to be in a restaurant,or pizzeria...

How about a leisurely walk in the park?..
This way you can focus on your dates without distraction.. this is also a way to keep you from reaching for your wallet.

The reality of it all is..
If you allow men to use you..
They definitely will..
So start making changes!
Accept that your way of finding dates , how you treat them ..and the results you are getting are not at all what you need.

If you're having trouble doing the things mentioned above..
Take a break from dating all together.. a break can be an amazing way to clear your head and heal.

I hope that helped..

[1and1]

There is an element of responsibility in this. Earlier in your post you say "he didn't ask me to pay, I offered", then later in your post you say "he had me paying for food, he had me doing this, he had me doing that". You chose to do these things. He let you. You say you saw what was up, but ignored it because you liked him. Biiiiiiiiiig mistake. When you're dealing with people you have to be vigilant.

Change your approach.

It's too easy to go blaming others and moaning about the state of things. It's much harder to take responsibility and ownership and see what YOU can do differently. But that os all you can do, Since the only person or thing you have control of is yourself.

[Rareboy]

I think you are working too hard at this.

Intentions about relationships aren't something you negotiate at the first date.

Love and relationships are organic.

Just date for the fun of it...not like you are hunting down prey. When the right guy and the right moment comes....you'll both know.

[Eru]

Seems like another bad relationship that everyone would encounter, my advice is the moment you sense something absurd about your relationship, verify it as soon as possible, letting your emotions bottled up will just cause deeper pain later. There's a line I really like that I think applicable to your circumstance: "Never trust anyone completely when all you are to them is an option". Clearly you had a feeling about him not being 100% into you but you had carried that on for a month without breaking it out sooner, if you did, you may have save yourself a lot of time and hopelessness.

[East]

You can turn this around at any moment if you want to...wanting to is the key BTW....

You have to own your role in this and take responsibility for your part in these interactions..and do it with clear eyes and humility...

If you allow yourself to be a victim...it will be a role you will play over and over again...

There are plenty of cool guys out there.....but the ones who aren't...we all sometimes ignore the signs....what is obvious when we hope for something more....or something else....

Owning that you played a role will free you from playing it again in the future (experience talking here)

You are young...make the most of it! Good Luck!

[Beaux]

I would be happy to go into particular issues that I see which I think may be clouding your thinking at the moment, ones that I see just in your first post (which is scarce information regarding who you are as a person) , but you are hurt right now and I don't want you to think of what I say as an attack against you.

If you would like to discuss my observations, feel free to PM me. Otherwise, I will just say that I think you are (naturally) very hurt right now and that may have skewed your perspective of the situation.

When a relationship dies, bitterness is one of the stages of grief.

~Beaux

[LJay]

I think that the atmosphere created by more and more passage of gay marriage laws has a lot of people thinking of long term relationships way too early. It wold be a lot easier on the nerves for guys to think of dating casually and letting things happen at their own pace. Guys, especially young guys, are just not ready to settle down right off the bat. Keeping things somewhat detached until you have really had time to know people is a lot easier on everyone in the long run.

As for the user type, they are everywhere and it is a good idea to plan things to suss that out early on. Be careful to not always pay, make sure that dates do not always require admissions, expensive transportation, etc. Try and concentrate on learning about each other and not so much on simply being entertained. Also, learn how to back off from someone without it being a big deal. One way to do that can be to not dive in to constant contact as soon as you meet. Time in between dates can give you a chance to keep some perspective.

I'm really sorry you ran into a jerk who played you for meals and entertainment, but taking a little time to sort out what happened and not jumping in too fast the next time may make you a lot happier.

By the way, welcome to the crew. Hanging out here can give you a good idea about what a lot of us go through. And we're good at answering questions.

[jimcrackcorn]

You've had some pretty bad luck with the guys you've been dating.... So far, 5 of them have disappointed you and it's quite possible that you will have more unsuccessful dates before you meet the right guy. This is how it is in the dating world for almost everyone (including straights). I've seen people who are literally on the verge of giving up because of all the bad eggs they run into on the dating scene,, and at the last moment the right guy appears. I had one lady friend who was on several dating services and was constantly going on dates for 3 years. She had almost given up,,, when suddenly the right guy contacted her,,, and they got married after only knowing each other for 3 weeks. They have been together for about 3 years now and it looks like it's going to last a lifetime.

I know your getting disgusted with the dating game after 5 failures,,,, but in reality,, you may have to date many, many, more before you find the right one. Don't give up.

When it comes to dating,,, there are lots of Do's & Don'ts:

As you've already learned,,, don't pay for everything. If you invite a new prospect on a date , it would be expected that you pay for the first date, and vice versa - If someone invites you on a date - then he should be expected to pay. If there is a second date with the same guy, then you need to open the lines of communication and explain that you want to share the cost of the second and subsequent dates. You can split it anyway you like. One pays for dinner, while the other pays for the movie or drinks afterward.

Do be yourself. Let the date see who you really are,,, act like you would normally around friends without trying to hard to show the best side of you.

For an extensive list of Do's & Don'ts in the dating world,, google "Do's and Don'ts when dating" and use it as a guide.

It's understandable that your frustrated,,, but have patience and keep at it. You'll find the right person. If the dating scene starts to bring you down,,, then take a break from it until you get a positive attitude toward dating again. Don't force yourself, or make it a chore to go on another date.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Camfer]

Sorry you're feeling down about your last relationship, Irishguy. It takes time to get over a breakup even when it's the right thing to do.

Really I think searching for a husband at age 24 is premature. In rare instances it can happen. But for most, the changes that all guys experience in their 20s make it very hard. That doesn't mean you should give up. It means you should take it slower. There is plenty of maturation that happens between 24 and 30, physical, mental, and emotional. It's actually a great place to be. You can think about what aspects of you merit some fine tuning and work to achieve it, all the while having a lot of fun.

You're getting some brutally candid feedback here that is worth contemplating not only now but in a month's time when you're probably feeling a little stronger. I think you just need a hug and someone to listen. Maybe it' time you come out to another trusted friend who is a good listener.

Don't give up. This storm will pass, and you can learn from it.