Hey all,
I'll get straight to the chase. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years in November. We opened our relatnship last summer as a way to deal with a lack of sexual intimacy; I was and still seem to be my be much more sexually driven. For most of this year since, I've been living in abroad. I returned this summer and things have been awkward. It's the first time we've really been living together since we began the open relationship.
The thing is, I have substantial jealousy for friends and guys with whom he is very affectionate with, who I know he has had sex with, or who I know he wants to have sex with. Even now he isn't very sexual active. But it maddens me when he is, and I've begun to realize a major part of it is not just the lack of sex we had, but also the lack of intimacy and affection. Sex for me is much more than just sex when its with someone I care about. Given that realization I can see why the open relationship might not be a solution to our original problem, because its not just the lack of sex, but the lack of sex with him.
I'm trying to come to terms with that or at least try and open a dialogue with him about it, but in the meantime I need to figure out a strategy to deal with the jealousy. Does anyone have experience in such a situation or had any success overcoming jealousy? Looking forward to hearing back from you guys
Cheers,
James
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Are you saying that he is not very sexual with you, but has no problem being sexual with other guys?
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It's time for you & your partner to have a serious conversation about this open relationship. It evidently isn't working for you any longer. Open relationships can be closed for a while if there are problems developing that need to be resolved, and jealousy is a big problem.
Lack of intimacy with your partner is another problem,,,, and the way you two went about fixing this problem was to open the relationship. Now you have two problems to solve in your relationship.
Don't let the problems continue mounting until it's no longer feasible to fix them. Start working toward a closer relationship with your partner by dating each other again. Holding hands, candle light dinners, hugging & kissing every day,,,,, doing things together. Build the closeness and intimacy back up.
As each of you grow older together, you may find that you have started going in different directions, this is only natural. You learn to accept the changes in each other and continue the relationship. When a problem crops up (which it has),, communicate with each other and find a fix for it,,, one that is acceptable to both of you.
We all learn as we go. If the first fix didn't work,,,, then find another way. Keeping a relationship together is going to be work, and sometimes compromises will be difficult, but if you try hard enough,,,, you will make it thru.
Hoping for the best,j
Jim
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so which way is it --- does he not initiate intimacy and affection with you or are you the one not initiating intimacy and affection with him? both? why not?
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Just for the sake of a broader view here, if he gets and gives elsewhere, but not at home. Dump the MoFo already.
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Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too man. Or... to put it more bluntly.... You can't decide you want an open relationship and then turn around and be jealous when that's what it ends up being, yeah?
Sounds to me like it's time to sit down and have a serious talk about what is... and what isn't working.
Second time I've said this tonight, but [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION]'s advice is excellent.
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jimcrackcorn Wrote:Lack of intimacy with your partner is another problem,,,, and the way you two went about fixing this problem was to open the relationship. Now you have two problems to solve in your relationship.
Very well said Jim..
I have quite a few acquaintances in open relationships..
I have noticed
The more stable open relationships are held together by the guys with solid personalities .
If there are serious issues between two people. . The only "third" person that should be added.. is a therapist..
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Well I think an emotional quagmire like this warrants couples therapy.
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Hey all,
Thanks for the advice so far. To clarify, the lack of intimacy and/or sex, or their initiation, is something that is a problem for him. I tend to be the touchy-feely one, so to speak, and I'm always ready to go when it comes to sex.
The thing is, over the summer he visited Montreal twice, and on both occasions had sex with 2-3 guys each time. I perplexed me given the fact that this was more sex than he and I have had since I moved back in June. It also irritated me greatly.
That irritation is also related to the jealousy I feel a lot of the time. He tends to show more affection to our male friends or other guys he is sexually interested in than he does with me; that is the root of my jealousy. Its not that I am bothered by him doing stuff with other guys, or showing affection or being intimate with them, its that the same doesn't occur when he's with me or when we are alone.
As for temporarily or permanently closing the open relationship, and trying to reinvigorate our relationship, I have two thoughts. The first is that we opened it for a reason and I'm not sure moving backward will help. The second, is that there is very little compromise to be had on the romance front. He tends not to be very agreeable when it comes to planning to do stuff together. As an example, the last few times I've planned a date with him, he has invited friends along for the ride.
Couples therapy is something that has crossed my mind, but to a degree I wonder if it is worth holding onto if professional help is needed for a relationship between two mid-twenty year olds after just 6 years...
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and looking forward to hearing more.
Cheers,
James
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It looks like you are about to give up on this relationship. I can't blame you for that because your boyfriend has evidently been giving you the ammo to finish what you two have built together for the last 6 years.
My next step would be to talk to the boyfriend and see if he wants to continue this relationship. Re-evaluate the relationship and see where you both are heading. Would you be OK with re-defining the relationship where you continue to live together but no longer share a bed? It would mean turning the relationship into a friendship with no romance or sex...
I get the feeling that what you really want deep down,,, is to have somebody tell you what you are already thinking - that the relationship is dead and you need to move on. It does take two to make a relationship work,,, if one has lost interest in the relationship, then the other is stuck with few options but wait for his partner to make the decision to call it quits,,, or,,,, end it yourself.
You & your boyfriend really need to talk about this and make a decision.
Good Luck,
Jim
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