Why is it so damn hard

[Tony]

lol I'm actually kidding, it's not hard at all when you realize people don't care at all. I mean.. There will always be people who'll give you shit for it, but if they do that only means they're not worth keeping around... Why would you? Seriously? Even if it's a brother or sister, if they're narrow-minded enough to not love (or at least accept) their sibling regardless of their sexuality (which in my opinion is far from being a life definition) then they've got their own issues to solve, and will most likely come around if they truly care about you...

But that's not what I'm here to talk about...

I've known I'm not straight for so long I can't even remember how long it's been... I don't know if I'm gay, or pansexual, or asexual, but I'm 100% sure I'm not a "common" guy...

(I don't even feel the need to label my sexual orientation, though I feel that it's easier to just come out as "gay" to people because that's simpler for them to understand...)

The first person I ever came out to was my best friend (a girl), and even then I couldn't look at my reflection in the mirror and accept to myself that I was "gay". I came out to her before I came out to myself. Now I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not straight (whatever that means/wherever that lands) and I feel that the next step is to harmonize that part of me with the rest of my life. I've told all of my closest friends I'm "gay" and they've all been very accepting and even act like nothing's changed (I probably should note that everyone says I act "straight-er" than many straight guys they know, and even though I don't think behavior is necessarily tied to sexual-orientation I must admit it helps go under the radar (which is both useful and a curse) sometimes). I even came out to my male friends (which is way harder and riskier) and one of them even said he could introduce me to a guy he knows (lol he's the best, and his friend is hot) and was very supporting. I'm lucky to have friends like 'em.

But on the other hand, there's always family. The problem, in my opinion, is that everyone simply assumes one is straight by default. That's wrong. That hurts non-straight people unnecessarily, and makes it necessary for one to "come out". I'm against having to come out to people simply because it shouldn't be so hard to do. But that's just the revolutionary teenager inside of me telling me that the world should be better, and I gotta be a realist and accept that I will have to come out a few times through my life to avoid misunderstandings. I'm getting better at it by the second, coming out every single day to every single new person I meet (usually indirectly), and I'm getting used to it, but no matter how easy it gets it will always be the hardest to come out to my family.

I don't give a f*ck if my grandma knows, or if my cousins know (some of them are outed-gay-happy-people), and I don't care if my aunts or uncles know. I rarely see them and it wouldn't really affect me in any way. But I got a father, and a mother, and two little sisters to come out to (one's still too little and isn't a problem right now), and it feels like the boss battle at the end of a video game.

There have been way too many opportunities to "drop the bomb" with each one of them, but I can't seem to find the courage to do it. In fact, my oldest little sister basically came out to me as bisexual the other day ("I'd totally f*ck with girls if I had the chance" she said, and I got no reasons to believe she was kidding or that it isn't true...) and I wasn't able to tell her "same over here" or... Well, anything. I poker-faced, looked away and said nothing for the following 10 minutes... But I get the feeling it'll be easier for me to tell her after that, and I think the moment is coming soon.

But my parents, though... That's a whole other story.

Both my dad and my mom have talked about how "that people's got issues" and how they think "they probably got childhood traumas"... but, guess what? I had the best childhood possible, and they were awesome parents. No traumas, no issues (aside from the conflict it brings rather than is), and there's not a single thing I'd change. I feel so normal, and so at peace with who and how I am that it feels like they're insulting me. They talk about it like they're untouchable and like it's not even a real thing. My dad is grossed out by anything other than perfectly straight and "normal", and my mom couldn't be more judgmental because she'd explode. They keep asking where I hide my girlfriends, and why I never introduce them, and I reply that I don't have any hoping they'll translate that to "I'll never have one" or "I'M GAY FOR GOD'S SAKE!" or something...

Do I even need to come out to them?
Will it hurt them if I do?
Should I even care?

I think doing it would bring me peace, and I'm sick of doing or not doing stuff for other people. I've been told too many times that I need to live life for myself, and to be honest, I think it's way over time I start doing it. I'm f*cking ready to do it.

[LJay]

Is it possible that your parents have "adult issues" they need to confront? Perhaps you could help them.

[dimondd]

Hello Tony

Interesting read mate. I Feel for you and understand your predicament. To be honest some of you people may know but will never ask the question or they suspect but because of your masculinity (Stereotypes) it goes to the back of their mind anyway. As I found out in my case. Things can be hard when coming out but it’s always the best move to make eventually. I'm from a small town called Burton Upon Trent. I knew I was attracted to boys as well as girls. I knew I was attracted to boys from a young as 5. A vivid memory is when I was a primary school. I walked in the boy’s toilets and there was a row of arses. I was happy at that sight. I have always been a sexual person and I can recall playing with a few boys and girls under the age of 10. It’s funny now because I played with, now all seem to be happy in straight relationships. Maybe it was a phase!!!

I have a big family. On my Mums side, my grandparents had 10 Children. Now I’m the eldest of 30. So there was always pressure on me. Considering I’m from a black Jamaican heritage, being gay is the last things I could tell them at the age of 16 and in 1999!!! No way. I won’t mention my Dads side of the family. Basically My Grandad had Seven Kids with my Grandma and then has Severn kids with his mistress. So if you’re a Barton or Barton living in the West Midlands then there is a chance we could be related. Basically my Mums family is very close-knit in comparison, so my focus was always to come out to my nearest and dearest.

My first sexual experience was with a girl. A slut from Derby who gave me her body on my 18th Birthday. I loved the experience. As I was still living in the West Midlands, I tried to stick with seeing girls because it was too risky being spotted with a man. My first full experience with a man came when I was 23. Basically, I’m attracted to Black women (I think my mother has something to do with that) and white chubby men (the total opposite from my waster farther). So my first gay experience was with a guy called Richard. A nice chub from Birmingham. We got naked and I remember kissing I’m and within an instant, I came! I’d been starved of gay sex it seems. So I knew I liked men very much. So when I moved to London, I was free and things really took off. I was sleeping with everyone. Women and men. I always wanted to settle down but with a woman, it need to be the right woman. I did not want to get burned like many family members in having kids with the wrong woman and for having to deal with CSA. That would drive me to kill I think. Trust me I got caught a few time but I’m thanking my lucky stars.

Every time I went home, I was asked the same questions. When are you going to settle down, get married and have kids? I hate it that people think that's route is for everyone. From a very young age, I wanted to travel, not to settle down at 18 with a wife and kid! So I was able to brush aside those questions for years. My mother has suspected for a while. She monitored my face when my uncles have had discussion about gay people etc.... She asked me a few times and I denied. I've only every brought 2 women home and on both occasion everybody thought I should settle down with these women. So I decided never to bring women around my family again because if this.

In London I was having a ball. I've has many relationships, mainly with men. Just casual sex with women simply because, women wanted things too quick and couple with the fact I did NOT want kids, that killed it straight away with most. I was free in London so I could sleep with anyone. I loved chubby men to be honest, very much. Sexy shape with a beard is a must. Having had many boyfriends and sexual encounters, I never thought of coming out. The men I dated and slept with were all men that I could have settle with but they were happy with the sex only (casual) and/or very closeted themselves (relationship). So at no stage did I want to tell all a man I might not go the distance with. I've never found the right man who was open and comfortable and willing to commit and the same time. I found this very frustrating.

Fast forward to Jan 2015. This is when things changed for me. I had not slept with a woman since 2011ish so I was firmly in the man camp. I was having sex with about 6 or 7 men at the same time. All were exes that never wanted to commit to me but would be happy for me to sleep with. I felt used even though I was getting enough sex. Sex without substance is just shit. As soon as a came, I just wanted to teleport myself home!!!
Basically I had a break down I think. All these men but non wanted to commit. So there was: -
1. Jack - Policeman - English - I met him on a sex website. I was his first but he was very closeted. I was sleeping with him but he had a girlfriend too!! I Broke it off end of Jan 2015
2. Adam - Bank Manager - English - He was out to his family but he was hurt in the past so sex was all that he wanted despite inviting me for xmas. He cancelled and I never slept with him again after Dec 2014.
3. Andras - Baker - Hungarian - Finished with him Nov 2014. Very very closeted.
4. Jack - Head Teacher - English - Mommy boy. Never ready to commit.
5. Andreas - Lawyer - Greek - I dated him for 18 months from May 2013. Never ready to commit but wanted my cock all the time. Stopped sleeping with him Jan 2015.
6. Calvin - Actor - English - Dated him for 2 years from 2008. Boring and Lazy so not my type in that sense but the sex was good. Slept with him on and off up to Dec 2014.

All of the above had potential but were not ready in the end but I was sleeping with all off them on the regular and there was casual people mixed in too. So..I totally went off sex at the start of this year and cut everybody off. I think part of my problem over the years is that I have never dated. I was sex within 2 days after meeting. The sex with confirm the relationship and then you find out about that person over time. So everything started with sex. Not good for a lasting relationship so I admit I was at fault. A few months went past and I just started to date people without sex. I was not interested in none of my previous boys now. I knew they were not good for me and the sex was boring now.
I remember being at work and browsing at grindr. I saw this guy and basically he was good looking and did not look chubby. I saw his profile and it was so sweet. Never have I seen a real description of what somebody wants. He seemed to want the same things as me. He basically said he would really try and make things work for the right guy. I said hello and he replied. We were working in the same area so on the Monday I suggested we meet for a coffee on Tuesday. Later on the Monday evening we message and got to know a bit more about each other. He mentioned he was a virgin at 28. I had no reason to disbelieve him but I was a bit crushed with the virgin talk!!! Normally virgins are hard to deal with. He stated he wanted to date and have fun. I insisted on meeting.
So on Tuesday the 19th May we met and for me it was look at first sight. He was gorgeous and chubby!!!!! He looked completely different from his picture. He did admit that he did not like me at first as I was putting on a front! After we parted my A-game kicked in. I had to have this man. 28, White, Chubby, Out, Wants a relationship for the long term, Catholic, and a Virgin. Very good traits if I must say so myself.
We met every lunchtime for the next two weeks. I asked him out on a few dates and then asked him to be my man and he accepted. Now in the first two weeks my head was all over the place. I had found the man of my dreams. Given that fact that I’ve had many different guys with many excuses really, it was refreshing to be with someone who knew what he wanted and was prepared to stick to his guns. I could not concentrate at work and I needed to talk to someone. I called my mum and told her everything. As she had suspected before, it was not a surprise. Shocked but not surprised. She told my Auntie Joy for support. Both were very supportive.

After a few weeks my mum said that I needed to tell all as it was not fair on her, my sister and her partner. I agreed and my mum suggested I should come out in front of everybody on Father’s Day!!!!! I declined but that stage I just wanted to tell everybody. I was nervous as my family are religious so I did not know what to expect.
My auntie was having a Christening one Sunday and that was a good opportunity but I did not want to spoil the occasion so I took the brave decision to call every one of my Uncles and Aunties first thing on Monday 15th June 2015. One by one, I’m Gay I’m Gay. Finally, I’d come out. So now, in my home town, everybody in our circles knew. Ironically I’m the only black guy in Burton in our circles to admit I’m gay. I know there are more but as long as I’m happy. I would say that 95% of people were fine. Religion helped as sin is sin after all. Only my Grandad and my (Rasta) Uncle had a problem. My grandad is fine now but it was a shock. Sadly, my Gran passed away in 2014. My mum really stepped up to support me and the family supported me with the girls leading the way!!! Given the fact I was with someone solid it was much easier to explain. I told my close friends as well but they were never comfortable with it so we don’t speak now. Just hellos and goodbyes really.

I’m in a much better place now. I seem to have genuine people in my life now who can make a difference for the better. I’m happy in Love and it real. Alex and I are solid. We’ve had ups and downs and he was a big listener while I was in the coming out process. A Shoulder to lean on. I have disclosed everything to him and have not spared any detail. It’s true that many other people would have ran a mile but he could see I had a good heart. I’m grateful for this. He was the first person I have really dated. We did many things. He made me wait 5 months for sex and it was worth it and now I look forward to sleeping with him more than ever. We have both met the parents now so it serious as it’s ever been for me and him.
Now I’m happy. My family know and we have had heated discussions about everything. I can really get into the nitty gritty with them and challenge them more, especially about their faith. I was raised in the church but I don’t follow any religion. I believe in a higher power and that’s it. I’m pretty passive with people try and use the bible to justify living correctly in accordance to what it says as nobody can hence why I feel all religious people are the biggest hypocrites on the planet. It was hard for many of my family because they did not see it coming. I am typically and mans’ man like yourself it seems. I told them all that gay people are everywhere and not only camp people are gay. I think they know but are too ignorant to admit this.
I’ve always been confident and have accepted that I like men and women. I’m different but I was not going to deprive myself of sex with either. I certainly was not going to conform like many closeted men do. Get married and have kids only to be miserable and end up sucked cock at every opportunity. I don’t take people at face value as I’ve slept with many men who had girls and they claim to be bisexual!!!
So take your time but if it’s a man you want, go and seek and be happy. People will accept you and if not, then it’s their loss. Even with family. As long as my Mother was fine then that’s all I cared about but it’s different in every case. Now, my friends who have not spoken to me, like my pictures and follow me on a few apps. Curiosity maybe but I know they know I’m happy within myself after all this time, finally.
You can come out and tell them if its bothering you. I decided to wait until I found the man I wanted to settle with then It’s easier. Parents can be weird but trust me, they are not stupid and they know what’s out there. It’s just plain ignorance of which it can’t be helped. Don’t worry about hurting anyone. People are selfish and parents are no different. Live your life as you see fit.
Sorry for the long replay but I had to tell you everything!!!

Hope everything goes well for you.

Take care.
Darryl

[TwisttheLeaf]

My question is why do you need to "tell them" or "come out to them" to lead your life in your way.

Do what you do, love who you love. Bring home who you're with. Act as if everything is normal because, for your life, everything IS normal. Let them realize on their own through you living your life as YOU want to live it, that you're not straight. Yeah? No need to drop something in their lap like some big, unexpected surprise if that's not how you want to do it.

[Insertnamehere]

[MENTION=22641]Tony[/MENTION]

I feel so normal, and so at peace with who and how I am

This and only this is all that's necessary to achieve a satisfying life. Do you realize how important of a statement this is? --> You are empowered beyond what you perceive.

Do I even need to come out to them?

If it brings you more stress than benefits, probably not. The rest of your life seems to agree with you (I point to the previous statement). Soon will come a time, my young friend when they are powerless to affect you in anyway.

My parents will certainly won't ever be bothered with knowing my sexuality. I don't care and I don't see it as a necessity.