I don't know if there's a point in starting our relationships again

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone! This will probably be something long but I would like to ask for your advice about something that's happening in my life. I was dating a guy, we were together for 4 years, during the last year our relationships became very bad, we had many problems and bad moments much more than good ones, so eventually we broke up. Our breakup was quite calm, without any hysterics, I guess we were too tired each from other to do something like that.

After about 5 months or so after our breakup I started experiencing health problems and eventually I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm just 26, so of course, these news came as a shock for me but I was determined to fight ( I still am). I've had surgery and now I'm undergoing my chemo what is making me feel quite weak. I'm also suffering about my looks, I've lost all of my hair and I look horrible, although I know that is something I should be the least worried about.

I don't know who told my ex I've cancer but one day without any warning he appeared on my doorstep and offered to take me to the hospital for chemo. I wanted to refuse but I wasn't feeling well so I accepted. So he took me there and he stayed with me during the chemo and then took me home. I told him he didn't have to do it, we're not a couple anymore but he said he'd come next time again and he did. He has shown lots of care towards me, also helping with housework and groceries and anything I need.

And yesterday he asked me if I'd like to be together with him again. He said that when he found out about my illness, he realized how much I mean to him.

I didn't know what to say. To say that I've thrown him completely out of my mind, would be a lie. Even after our breakup I still thought about him a lot though I never contacted him. I still feel something for him.

But at the same time I wouldn't want him to be with me because of pity, maybe that is what he feels and why he wants to be with me again. And also maybe everything that happens happens for a reason. Maybe breakup was something that had to happen to us and start relationships again would be wrong.

And if I'd agree - I'm not sure how should our relationships work differently now so they wouldn't fail again. Because I honestly don't really know where did we go wrong the previous time.

[East]

Wow...I hope you are able to heal and come back from this quickly....more and more people do it all the time....

As for your ex.....well....my impression is that he loves you. Just because you break up with someone doesn't necessarily mean you stop loving them. Love isn't perfect...and there are no guarantees...but you said you thought of him as well...so.,...does any part of you still love him?

I think ultimately it has to come down to your heath....and your stress because being stressed out will make it harder to heal....so I think it depends if he has a calming and positive effect on you?...or a stressful and negative one?

Good Luck ((()))

[Anonymous]

Wow...I hope you are able to heal and come back from this quickly....more and more people do it all the time....

As for your ex.....well....my impression is that he loves you. Just because you break up with someone doesn't necessarily mean you stop loving them. Love isn't perfect...and there are no guarantees...but you said you thought of him as well...so.,...does any part of you still love him?

I think ultimately it has to come down to your heath....and your stress because being stressed out will make it harder to heal....so I think it depends if he has a calming and positive effect on you?...or a stressful and negative one?

Good Luck ((()))

He definitely has a positive effect on me, caring about me so much. But I never held a grudge against him because our breakup anyway. Before our breakup we've also said many negative things each to other but it's all forgotten and doesn't matter anymore, at least for me. And yes, I know I'd like to be with him again.

[East]

He definitely has a positive effect on me, caring about me so much. But I never held a grudge against him because our breakup anyway. Before our breakup we've also said many negative things each to other but it's all forgotten and doesn't matter anymore, at least for me. And yes, I know I'd like to be with him again.

Well then...let him help you now when you need it. I am not sure who you are so I didn't have a sense of you but humility is one of the things most people have to acquire...and this is an excellent opportunity to let go and let him help take care of you...and it will help you heal and overcome the disease....

The negative things you said to each other...well....that is just a part of any relationship. You'll probably say more too in the future so it is great if you can leave them where they belong..in the past....

I think you should be completely in the present..and he seems to want to be part of it..and you are OK with it...so do it!

[LJay]

Having been through chemo completely on my own, I can honestly say that his support should be welcomed. It isn't just anybody helping. He knows you and, knowing that you need help, he has stepped up and offered it. I can't think of anything much better. East is right. If it is not positive you should not go for it, but it sounds as though it is and there are sometimes when it is very healthy to accept help. This is one of them.

Good luck in managing your treatment. And please thank your friend for me. I wish I had him around back when.

[MikeW]

...And if I'd agree - I'm not sure how should our relationships work differently now so they wouldn't fail again. Because I honestly don't really know where did we go wrong the previous time.

Well, I agree with what others are saying. If having your X around helps you fight, then that is a positive thing. A true blessing. Accept it as gracefully as you can.

I also agree with [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] that living in the present moment, leaving the past in past, is a good approach.

My view of these kinds of dynamics that go on in a relationship is that we humans are composed of "parts". Two very fundamental "parts" are our "essence" (all the qualities we're born with) and our "personality" (everything we acquire from our reactions to the outside world from day 1). Two essences can be drawn to one another, love one another deeply, and yet the personalities come into conflict. Staying in the present moment means staying closer to the essence, not spinning off in one's mind and emotions about either the past (and its perceived slights) or a possible future (which is totally imaginary, stemming from past experience).

IF the personalities begin to conflict again in the present THEN you begin to work on that in that present. But don't anticipate this. Just know that THAT is the way to deal with any personality conflicting issues. In the present within which they are occurring.

In the mean time take all the help the universe offers you to face the cancer and overcome it. There's lots of healing energy everywhere around us if we become sensitive to it and open ourselves to it.

[Insertnamehere]

I'd say he cares. He realized just how much when facing the prospect of your potential demise.

I'm not sure you should make any kind of decision right now regarding the relationship.

As of now you need all the help than can rain on you, so take it.

If this starts being a relationship again, it will be so in proper time me thinks.

[AlfredM]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. I hope you recover soon, good attitude that you're fighting it.

Alto made a good point about this not being a pity. You guys still have feelings for each other, and the break up was clean, maybe it was just one of those time where you needed some time apart to value each other's presence again. Either way, if it's making you both happy to be together again, then be together. I wish for your happiness together and speedy recovery for you.

[meridannight]

But at the same time I wouldn't want him to be with me because of pity, maybe that is what he feels and why he wants to be with me again. And also maybe everything that happens happens for a reason. Maybe breakup was something that had to happen to us and start relationships again would be wrong.

i'm only some stranger on the internet, but what he did doesn't sound like pity to me. sticking with a guy through his illness sounds more like actual love and care.

things don't happen for some mysterious reason outside your control. everything that happened, was out of what you and he did. and that's all. and it is up to you and him whether you want to try again, whether you can work it out again, or not.

[meridannight]

The negative things you said to each other...well....that is just a part of any relationship. You'll probably say more too in the future so it is great if you can leave them where they belong..in the past....

exactly. people who love each other still have disagreements and fight, and can say horrible things to one another. love isn't some infallible or pure thing that never goes wrong or says a bad thing. love is when such small things don't matter in the long run.