Jealousy in friendships / partnerships

[MikeW]

...I blame the food poisoning and Justin Bieber's Sorry that I've been listening to the whole day, which also due to food poisoning....

[Insertnamehere]

How do you get through a job interview if you don't have any self esteem?

Self-esteem has little to do with anything. Can you or can you not do a certain job and where's the written validation that says so? That's it. That's about as much as any employer will be looking at.

[azulai]

I don't know anymore. I think noone who's having a job can ever respect me.

My (supposedly) best friend from school days just texted me for the first time in months, and already he again began to pick on me because I don't have a job, that I have "always holidays", bla bla...
if even my best friend who knows me for 25 years treats me like this... how am I supposed to expect respect from anyone else.

Seems I can only be friends with people who don't work. Sad but seems to be true...

Aquarius,
Maybe your thread title was correct after all. But it is not jealousy on your part but rather on the part of your friends toward you. I think what you are feeling is very real but you need to look at things differently. In the span of the 25 years that you've known your best friend, how has HIS life changed? Did he get married? have a bunch of kids? get a mortgage? a lot of debt? in a job he dislikes? have a high stress job?

Those little verbal slights that you keep getting from your friends might be a way for them to level the playing field of what they perceive as a happy YOU! Maybe your low self-esteem isn't as obvious to them. There are some people who when miserable want everyone around them to be just as miserable. They may see you as carefree and having an ideal life.

The only other thing that I would suggest you think about is if you are being a tiny bit over-sensitive to your friends teasing you. He may not realize what he's saying does indeed hurt you.

As far as a job, why not look at the listings and just put in a bunch of applications. Be honest and say you are looking for an opportunity to learn and gain experience. Think outside the box, look for listings that might be fun and interesting. Just get your foot in the door and then show how reliable you are.

Maybe you could even ask your friends if they know of any jobs you could apply for?

[Aquarius]

Thanks to everyone who is supporting me through this.
The newest bit is that I have opened up to a friend and told her about what my other friend said. She said I was over-sensitive. Well I guess she is right, to the point that I closed the chat with her (and someone else who was in that chat too).

Right, I feel like leaving all my friends behind. I know this is a symptom of depression.
But also I don't think anyone of them would really understand me, as noone is in a situation like mine.

But then, do I really want this? Do I really want to leave them all behind? Just because I can't deal with my envy on their lifestyle and achievements, and they can't deal with their envy on my luxury of not having to work in order to survive (for now)?

Im sure there is therapy or even hypnotism courses for this but they all cost money and as your not working guess its not practical - have you searched the internet for support groups ? they have to be there im sure - I do know that UK job centres and other agency's run interview technique classes and have even advertised the fact on TV, do you have similar in Germany ?

I am in psychotherapy, was really good throughout all the year, and now this relapse. I'll meet her soon and we'll discuss how it goes on, and I'll take a look into what job centres offer here. Rightnow I had enough of my job centre though because it was them telling me that my university degree was in vain.

I don't think much of myself, and I know that will show through in a interview, so who'd want to hire me right? Constant thoughts of doubt lead up to that interview that actually got me a job, so much so my anxiety levels went through the roof. So I can understand how you are really concerned about interviews. Yet I somehow was successful.

I don't know how I got through mine so I can't really help much. All I can say I did was to kinda blag my way through, say stuff that you know the employer will want to hear. No-one is entirely truthful in an interview. Ask THEM questions aswell, it shows a level of interest from you, and that will likely please the interviewer. The people interviewing will understand you being nervous, perhaps they won't know just how anxious you are feeling, but they will expect someone to be nervous in an interview.

Other than that, I don't have much advice. But I know where you are coming from. What I can say though, is that having a job is going to do you wonders. From reading your posts, I can see a big issue for you is a feeling of inferiority because you are unemployed. It's nerve wracking, but once you are through those interviews and in a job, it'll do wonders for you. Your anxiety is holding you back, but I know you can do it dude

Big hug back!
Thank you so much for your kind and wise words.
Exactly that's one of my ever recurring thoughts: "who'd want to hire me"?

It would be interesting to hear how it was after your interview though? My anxiety isn't just about the interview, but also about getting bullied by colleagues, afraid I'd do mistakes, afraid I can't cope with the high pressure and working hours, etc.
Were / are you fine with your colleagues, after you got through the interview?

I would like to believe that it would do me wonders, but then I hear from a lot of people who are unhappy with their jobs and quite seem to suffer from it... makes me feel a bit disoriented.

Aquarius,
Maybe your thread title was correct after all. But it is not jealousy on your part but rather on the part of your friends toward you. I think what you are feeling is very real but you need to look at things differently. In the span of the 25 years that you've known your best friend, how has HIS life changed? Did he get married? have a bunch of kids? get a mortgage? a lot of debt? in a job he dislikes? have a high stress job?

Those little verbal slights that you keep getting from your friends might be a way for them to level the playing field of what they perceive as a happy YOU! Maybe your low self-esteem isn't as obvious to them. There are some people who when miserable want everyone around them to be just as miserable. They may see you as carefree and having an ideal life.

The only other thing that I would suggest you think about is if you are being a tiny bit over-sensitive to your friends teasing you. He may not realize what he's saying does indeed hurt you.

As far as a job, why not look at the listings and just put in a bunch of applications. Be honest and say you are looking for an opportunity to learn and gain experience. Think outside the box, look for listings that might be fun and interesting. Just get your foot in the door and then show how reliable you are.

Maybe you could even ask your friends if they know of any jobs you could apply for?

My friend, he has a girlfriend, and he's in a high stress job that he's quite unhappy with. Bad payment for what he does. So yes, I totally agree, he is envious on me and needs to make me feel bad to be on what he thinks is the same level. I totally agree on what you say there.
He surely doesn't see that I'm comparing myself to a dog. That I think I'm useless. That I got no right to have a self-esteem.
And yeah, a carefree, ideal life, doesn't exist. I do have my issues, I do have more issues than this one. A dad with a personality disorder and a mum who suffers from him. Sexual issues. Not having the experience of love (apart of family and friends).

And yeah, I already agree, I am over-sensitive these days. In my head, I constantly hear what I think society thinks of me. I constantly "hear" voices that accuse me (I am NOT hearing voices like that, but fantasizing about what people would say). So whenever a friend teases me with that, I see my worries confirmed that all of society indeed things that little of myself.

And now that I have begun my way out of my social circles, I feel like returning makes me seem like a loser as well. I feel like I'm running away, and not wanting to go back because I would feel embarrassed. Heck, even getting a job and telling them would make me feel embarrassed, like "society won over me", does that thinking pattern make any sense? :-S

I now need to get my head clear, need to figure out how much I want to go back to my friends (I haven't gone on Facebook for a week, when I announced to take a break due to depressions), need to await that next therapy session and then try to take further steps towards a job.

Rightnow the latter (and going back to my friends) seems impossible, but I truly feel the love and help of this forum and appreciate all your support a lot.

[Cridders88]

Big hug back!
Thank you so much for your kind and wise words.
Exactly that's one of my ever recurring thoughts: "who'd want to hire me"?

It would be interesting to hear how it was after your interview though? My anxiety isn't just about the interview, but also about getting bullied by colleagues, afraid I'd do mistakes, afraid I can't cope with the high pressure and working hours, etc.
Were / are you fine with your colleagues, after you got through the interview?

I would like to believe that it would do me wonders, but then I hear from a lot of people who are unhappy with their jobs and quite seem to suffer from it... makes me feel a bit disoriented.



Heck, even getting a job and telling them would make me feel embarrassed, like "society won over me", does that thinking pattern make any sense? :-S

:

Don't get me wrong, starting the job was nerve-wracking. Being put in situations with a group of people who are complete strangers still scares the shit out of me. I know it's probably an irrational fear, but I had an intense fear I wasn't going to fit in, or I would be an outsider and people wouldn't like me. At this stage, I was still struggling with my sexuality too so that didn't help.

However, despite all this, the story is a happy one. The first few days were very hard, mainly because in my line of work there is a lot to learn, and customers come in with very technical/demanding queries to someone with no knowledge in the field (I work in Optometry). However, as soon as you tell a customer/client that you are new and you will have to ask someone else to assist with their query, they are almost 100% fully understanding. I had customers say to me "It's ok, we've all been there, you've got to start somewhere". This instantly made me feel better.

So, did I fit in with my colleagues? Very much so. By the end of week two they had thrown me a work's night out to celebrate me joining. I clearly had nothing to worry about. A lot of the fear was all in my irrational mind. My colleagues helped me learn the ropes, and made me feel very welcome. Staff turnover in Opticians is quite high, so people left and new people joined. I then saw the new people going through similar first day nerves, and, like my colleagues did for me, I made them feel welcome and answered all their questions and helped them when they became stuck. Because do you know what Felix? Unless you come across a bunch of colleagues where every single one of them are an asshole (highly unlikely), you will find that people will do the same for you. Because they have been there, and they know what it's like. Granted, some people may not be feeling quite the anxiety you are feeling, but you'd be hard pushed to find someone that wasn't nervous on their first day of work

Now to the bit I have bolded. To be honest, I don't understand where you are coming from there. How would society be winning if you get a job? Doesn't your fear of society mean it's winning now as you are unemployed?

I wish you all the luck in turning this around mate. It seems from your final few lines you seem to have made a plan on where to go from here, it's just putting it into action now. Do keep us updated