Gay and alcohol

[JimmyEcho]

Where do I begin.
What can I possibly say.
I am an Alcoholic
I use the Gay community to feed my emotional disfunctions.

If you know me, which I'm sure many of you do. I go to Gay establishments and gatherings to Feed my insecurity---- At least that what I'm told from my counsular.

I even go to LGBT AA Meetings and flert with the Guys there, which is so wrong, because they are there to get better. However in my defense, I'm really nice to them, they actually mean the world to me and I do care about them.

I'm at a situation today. It's V day and usually nothing like this ever bothers me--- I'm made of Iron. I guess As I'm getting older, I'm starting to take things more to heart.
Truly these guys are the nicest people I know and hurting them would only kill me inside.
I really love them and want to be around them--------I'm still working in theropy to try and find a reason for this behavior as my theropist also does. He never had a case like this and can't find anything in his history archives about this matter. But he is still working with me.

I'm going to the oil den a bar where I know for a fact Tyler will be there and I want him to see me at my lowest, no hair cut, no coloring of my gotee and hair, out of shape

I always get this way over the winter---- I get so depressed every single winter and let myself go and every March I work out like a MAD DOG and look Awesome by May. I do this all the time.

Anyway-- I want to go and see Tyler today and let him see me at my lowest. I know I'm not suppose to go to bars or any place that has alcohol, but I REALLY need to see and talk to him. I just up and left him without a clue and it's killing me inside. I'm actually crying as I type this.

I want him to see me this way so he knows that it is not him and that it is actually me.
I have to do this, so any reply is greatly appreciated, however I already left for the Bar as soon as I'm done typing this.

[Insertnamehere]

Ok, lets get one thing straight. If you're an alcoholic, you're clearly NOT made of iron. It means things affected you and you used booze as a coping mechanism, albeit a rather crappy one it may be.

That's ok. We are humans, carbon-based, not iron-based and we all have tackled our issues in crappy ways.

You are not in the right state of mind to be involved in any kind of deep friendship, relationship or simils. Clearly you have a cyclothymic kind of depression and this letting go/getting into shape cycle is not healthy for you.

Continue with your therapy, continue to treat your depression, continue attending your AA meetings., enjoy the support from other people, give support to others, but this attachment you feel for this person is not well placed at the moment.

[ceez]

is there any other way you can talk to him somewhere else, maybe at a cafe. I'm just thinking about being around the alcohol especially if things go badly. I wish you luck.