Should I forgive him or not, I'm not sure

[Darius]

I still think you should talk to him. You say you feel nothing for him anymore. It would be interesting to see if that is true after talking to him. A talk does not obligate you to renewing your friendship.
Now that he has tried to re-enter your life, he has awakened certain feelings in you that you have long since buried. You wouldn't be posting here if it hadn't. And obviously you have been on his mind since you parted. He told you he was wrong and asks forgiveness. The ball is now in your court.

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die."

[meridannight]

I feel like you have that backward. Good friends are hard to find which is why "so called" friend deserves to hear the truth about how his betrayal affected Anonymous.

of course they should talk things through between them, including the effect his friend's reaction had on him. i don't advocate for holding one's feelings inside and never talking about them. friendship is an emotional involvement, and that means that when there's conflict the involved parties do need to talk things through in an open and honest manner.

as for having things backwards, it is true that my approach to friendship is maybe different from most people's. i consider my friends part of my family, in the true direct meaning of the word. they are more family to me than my blood relatives. consequently i care and invest deeply in such relationships.

i'm also different in that i don't get easily offended, i don't hold a grudge and i am capable of seeing where the other guy is coming from. i see the human aspect underneath the situation. and as a result, it would have to take a lot more than an honest mistake or a bad reaction for me to write a guy out of my life. getting hurt also doesn't do it. hurt and pain are part of full real immediate experience of life. i can tolerate pain, and just because somebody hurts me doesn't mean i am incapable of trusting him again, or trying again. i don't get burned by flames, i get tempered.

and it's just really not hard at all for me to let go of hurt and insult and start anew. i've always been this way, ever since i was in elementary school.

i don't know if all that is 'backward'. it's a bit different from the mainstream, yes. but i have made every single important friendship work in my life. i have solid connections with the men in my life that i call friends. and it's the best thing in this life to experience -- that connection between myself and them.

if that is backwards, so be it. it works for me.

[LJay]

"All we are saying is give peace a chance."
John Lennon

[Anonymous]

Can you recall anything in particular that might've induced that? Anything that could've reminded him of you? Mutual friends etc?

Well no, nothing special about that day. We do have few mutual friends but they never mention him to me and I doubt they would mention me to him. They know how and why our friendship ended so I don't think they would try to bring us together again.

Anyway, I didn't answer his message and during these days I've received two more with basically the same context. I just physically cannot bring myself to answer him, my hands just don't want to listen. I wish I could forgive him but it's just so hard. I never thought I might have to do this at all , I thought he's gone from my life forever. Now suddenly he appears without any warning. I might need a little more time maybe, I don't know.

[East]

Well no, nothing special about that day. We do have few mutual friends but they never mention him to me and I doubt they would mention me to him. They know how and why our friendship ended so I don't think they would try to bring us together again.

Anyway, I didn't answer his message and during these days I've received two more with basically the same context. I just physically cannot bring myself to answer him, my hands just don't want to listen. I wish I could forgive him but it's just so hard. I never thought I might have to do this at all , I thought he's gone from my life forever. Now suddenly he appears without any warning. I might need a little more time maybe, I don't know.

I think your hands are smart....

There is probably a good reason that you resist him. Never underestimate your instincts...

The one point [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] made about forgiving him is good...but that is for you...not him.

Maybe a good course of action would be to forgive him on your own...without him knowing it....and then cut him loose...without him knowing it.

If he said that to you ...he was not your friend anyway.

[matty7]

Well after the initial shock 4 years ago, have you been happy without him in your life ? if yes then what benefit would their be to welcoming him back except to ease his conscience.

I could say life's too short etc. but even if he was raised to be anti gay then that is one thing....but spitting in your face was all him !!! I would find that hard to forgive - but then I am not you and I have no connection or history to this person, good luck finding a decision that's best for you though

[NativeSon]

of course they should talk things through between them, including the effect his friend's reaction had on him. i don't advocate for holding one's feelings inside and never talking about them. friendship is an emotional involvement, and that means that when there's conflict the involved parties do need to talk things through in an open and honest manner.

as for having things backwards, it is true that my approach to friendship is maybe different from most people's. i consider my friends part of my family, in the true direct meaning of the word. they are more family to me than my blood relatives. consequently i care and invest deeply in such relationships.

i'm also different in that i don't get easily offended, i don't hold a grudge and i am capable of seeing where the other guy is coming from. i see the human aspect underneath the situation. and as a result, it would have to take a lot more than an honest mistake or a bad reaction for me to write a guy out of my life. getting hurt also doesn't do it. hurt and pain are part of full real immediate experience of life. i can tolerate pain, and just because somebody hurts me doesn't mean i am incapable of trusting him again, or trying again. i don't get burned by flames, i get tempered.

and it's just really not hard at all for me to let go of hurt and insult and start anew. i've always been this way, ever since i was in elementary school.

i don't know if all that is 'backward'. it's a bit different from the mainstream, yes. but i have made every single important friendship work in my life. i have solid connections with the men in my life that i call friends. and it's the best thing in this life to experience -- that connection between myself and them.

if that is backwards, so be it. it works for me.

I can appreciate the value you place on the relationships you cultivate, but circumstance reversed, can you see yourself reacting to *any* kind of revelation in the negative way that Anonymous describes--for four years? What revaluation could be so horrible to even attempt to justify tossing away the friendship in the first place? That is some seriously ingrained hostility that in this day and age is not to be tolerated. Life really is too short.

[meridannight]

circumstance reversed, can you see yourself reacting to *any* kind of revelation by a friend in the negative way that Anonymous describes--for four years?

no.




PS. this is not to say that i could not react very negatively to some things. i can.