There is no LGBT community

[Emiliano]

Because straight men aren't romantically attracted to each other. Gay men are. So that's one aspect. Gay men feel naturally suppressed upon and feel they need to be around others that understand their struggle.

Also similar to like how I mentioned with gay men, straight men intermingle with their occupations or hobby. But the fact they aren't attracted to each other, it's easier for them to culture clash. It's natural for men to be around other men. It's not natural for men to be around men that they are attracted to or might show attraction to.

So I guess to follow on what you said, gay men already feel bad being attracted to men, they at least want to stick around guys that understand their struggle and identity. Fem guys usually circulate with fem guys, masculine guys hang with masculine guys etc.

I just see way more straight men of all races and personalities together. Like in sitcoms, the main character will have male friends of all degrees. A stocky idiot savant sidekick, token black friend, nerd or geeky type guy, older neighborly guy etc.

You don't see that with gay guys. The bears hang with the bears, the fems hang with the fems, the average gays hang with the average gays. Everyone else fends for themselves and heaven help them.

I'd be cautious about applying what you see in tv shows or films or print ads on to how things really are. For one thing, its the same formula in most shows, its the same tropes and cliches - which you did describe perfectly. For another thing, gay men are very much underrepresented in the media. When you do see gay characters they are usually pretty flat and stereotypical, and only reflect certain "types" of gay men.

I dont know what the culture in LA is like, I have never been off the east coast. But when you go out, what kind of bars / clubs / locations do you go to? Like, where do you see men?


Also, because you brought attraction into it, which I wasn't thinking of but now you got me thinking about it, I'm sure it has a big influence - does our sexual attraction need to limit our ability to have meaningful interactions with eachother, to have a shared identity with eachother? If we choose to only surround ourselves with either men who are like us, or men we are sexually attracted to, what does that say about us? Are gay men, maybe, too sexually focused and motivated?

[Emiliano]

Yeah I apologize for using that tv show metaphor, and it isn't indicative at all on gay culture and isn't grounds for argument. Gays period. are very underrepresented in the media I have to 100% agree.

LA and NY are different period. Different atmosphere, different businesses, different cultures, different accents, different attitudes.

But forgive my ignorance, as someone who grew up thinking LA and New York were the gay capitals of America, I think I was misinformed. LA definately is not a gay hot spot. New York I have to sadly say nowadays really isn't either.

Me personally, San Francisco is the gay capital, possibly followed by Miami, then surprisingly Atlanta after that.

LA and New York do have gays, but I'm sure you can agree the gay community in New York, identical to here in LA, really isn't that great or supportive.

The gay community here in LA is very ambiguous. I mean LA is a artsy city, but gay men are hard to find, and they like it like that. In addition the gym or muscle type masculine type white guys are in top demand here in LA, followed by masculine Latinos.

Fem gays like myself, here in LA are probably wasting their time but gay asians of any type recently seem to be in hot demand strangely enough.

As far as clubs and bars go, I generally try to stay away from them. But there are a few I've been to and didn't really care for them. All the gay bars here in LA have drag queen shows, in which straight people love drag shows as of late and nothing ruins your night than seeing a bunch of straight couples in a gay bar.

There are also some leather bars I wouldn't dare go into because I know better.

I also don't do bathhouses really, and there are a ton of gay bathhouses here in LA. I don't know, I might change my mind about that one.

But again it's LA. I generally see cute guys everyday from going to work and class that I want to talk to, but can't and get too scared. Honestly, I would say 1 out of every 5 guys here are gay or same gender loving.

Yes gay men are definitely sexually focused. It's really why it's hard for gay men to make friends because really gay men can only befriend a guy he wants to fuck or get fucked by. Sad reality and pill to swallow.

I wouldn't classify the gay scene as a whole as being not great or not supportive in NYC. First, it's massive and its diverse. If we are talking about bars and clubs, depending on where you go in the city there are different crowds. A bar you go to in the village is going to have a very different vibe from one you go to in Williamsburg, or one you go to Harlem, or one you go to in Jackson Heights. There are absolutely places, especially in Harlem and Washington Heights where a black femme guy would be embraced and desired.

But the gay community here extends beyond bars, there's lots of other businesses and activities that cater to gay men. I can only really speak for here, since its the only city I know, but when you look outside of places that are filled with drunk people looking to get laid, there is more substance to be found.

When you talk about these different men of different ethnicities being "in demand", from whose perspective are you speaking from? Your own? Gay men as a whole in LA? Black macho men, white men, latino drag queens?
And what kind of gay is it that you want attention from? Fellow femme black men, white macho men, asian leather daddies, anyone with a dick?
Do you desire femme black men, are are you supportive of the ones that you encounter? Or are you another one of the masses that are just looking for a macho latino? What do you contribute to the building of a community feeling among the gay men that are more like you than not?

[Emiliano]

I would like attention from any type of guy that doesn't hurt or kill other people. I have low standards. I do find some feminine guys attractive so I don't hate fem guys, just many don't go for other fem guys and I'm not one to really break barriers like that. I can't give or take from something that I never had or was offered.

I don't see what you mean by how do I contribute? I try not to complain as much. I understand that being a gay fem black man, that I can't be picky and wonder why I can't find love. It's just not common for a gay man to date a fem guy. It's not impossible, it's just rare and usually gay men of any degree want a masculine man, who is white or latino and there is nothing wrong with that.

But no I'm not thirsty for a white masculine man if that's what you are saying. I would like to find love with any type of guy that loves me back and I know god has a plan for me in that regard.

Sorry for not being clear. When it came to asking you about how you contribute, I meant like, what do you do to make the situation better? Im the kind of person who is more interested in solutions than problems. Of course its important to realize and identify the problem. But beyond that, its like, well... what are you going to do about it?

And it can seem like an overwhelming idea, but I don't think you're alone in how you feel about a lack of a community. So I just meant, what can you do, or what do you do, to improve that? To repair that? To lift up other black femme men who may feel as though they are unwanted, passed up, and so on. What kind of circles do you move in - what are your friends like?

What stops you from connecting with and dating another femme man? What makes a masculine man so attractive? Why, as a community - in your observation- does LA value those traits over femme ones? Can you identify what it is about being femme that makes you feel attractive, or the traits you might find attractive in other men who are not so masculine?

I mean those can be questions to ask yourself, or to ask the other black femme men around you. Its important to think critically about the things we internalize and what the implications might be. And I don't mean it directly at you, because you've said you'd be open to dating a femme guy, but I find it curious when a certain type of person might complain about not being found attractive, and at the same time, dont find others like themselves attractive.

Im just a big supporter of self reflection and self acceptance.