Application to renew a passport

[LONDONER]

This is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date?

For Heavens sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving licence, my car insurance, and on the last eight damn passports I've had and on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You post the application to my house, THEN you ask me for my bloody address!!!! What is going on?? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for Goodness sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a toss whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too easy and maybe make sense. You d rather have us running all over the soddin place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then I have to find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons).

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776...... I have served in the military for over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN PAKISTAN !!

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Then Gordon Brown stole our shovels, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased VAT to 20%.

I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. IS THERE ANY HOPE?