Need third party thoughts for me coming out

[pman117]

Hey guys, this is a long one so bear with me. This has been a long time coming and I just need to say what I can and hopefully get some thoughts and/or encouragement so...here we go:
I've recently started thinking that it's time for me to start seriously considering or start actually coming out to certain people. I've been through just about every phase of denial, foreclosure, rebuttal since I realized I liked guys some 8 years ago. Since then I've been a classic case of "splitting" where I have created and honestly nearly mastered an introverted personality of sorts in attempt to "fit in" a straight world and all the stereotypes that go along with it.

Since February, I've been dealing with terrible anxiety, sleepless nights and probably bouts of depression on the worst days. I originally contributed those symptoms to the idea I was about to lose a very close friend (who started as a FWB) whom I had developed feelings for. When we started hanging around each other more as friends rather than as a trick I felt free, like I wasn't hiding or faking or lying to him because we both knew I was gay and I didn't have to pretend. And when I would hang out with other friends, or go to work, or even be at home I could literally feel the difference in how I feel and I have grown to hate it. I want to feel like I do around that friend all the time, with everyone.
The longer my symptoms went on and continue, the more I think about the actual cause. I believe a good portion of my problem is the dam I've been trying so desperately to keep hold up inside for so long is finally breaking. So to speak. I've been in therapy for a few weeks regarding this very thing and it has helped further my thinking that I should proceed with this. I have also visited with my doctor about the symptoms (not about being gay though) and have been on anxiety/depression meds for a few weeks now and I'm not sure how much good they are doing. They are probably helping take the edge off on most days, but I still occasionally have a rough days that really gets me thinking...kind of like today actually.

I suppose I'm thinking that since a lot of these feelings I'm going through are more from internal conflict than external that perhaps coming out at least to a couple people might make my life easier in time. In all honesty, I'm just so tired of feeling this way. The last three months have been hell. I'm so tired of not getting a good nights sleep, I'm tired of feeling on edge, and I'm so incredibly tired of trying to put on a different face for everyone around me. I'm simply exhausted of it all and everything's coming out at once (no pun intended haha).

I understand that coming out is not an instant fix and that it may cause an increase in what I am going through for a little while. I also get that I won't instantly feel better just because I tell someone I'm gay. But if it helps in the near future I think I'm ready to take that chance. I'm just concerned that I'm rushing into this too fast. I mean, I've only just started thinking about coming out a few weeks ago. I guess I always thought it would be a decision made over a period of months for me because of how analytical I can be with big decisions like this.

I know that this is completely a me decision and no one else can tell me when the right time is or if I am in fact rushing into this but advice and personal experiences are always welcome. for those of you that have come out already, I'd also appreciate if you could share who you came out to first. That's a whole 'nother 5 paragraphs that I won't bore you with but I keep waffling between coming out to my mom first or a couple close friends that I know care about me a great deal (I suspect all of them will be supportive so that helps). In summary, I'm just looking for support and affirmations to give me the courage to go through with this. Like I said, this is my decision and no one can make it for me. But I think it's time I stop hiding. I want to be happy and right now I am anything but.

You guys that made it to the end, I cannot thank you enough for your time (I warned you ). I know it was a lot but I cannot tell you how much this and other sites like it have helped me in the last few months. A lot of you are quite literally life savers and that means so much to me and others that need to vent and express their problems, even if it's only behind a keyboard. Your guys' advice and support is why people like me have these types of epiphanies and make it through the tough times. You are all worth your weight in diamonds and that itself is an immense understatement.

Thank You for everything.
--Pman117

[pman117]

Thank you for the reply Boaxy, I appreciate your viewpoint.

I really felt it was nobody's fucking business what my function was, and unfortunately I didn't have to say a fucking word.

That's been my thinking up until just a few months ago. I really didn't think anyone needed to know and I've actually told that to guys I've played with before. "I'm not out because I don't feel like people need to know and I don't feel it matters" has kind of been my motto for the last several years. Unlike yourself, I'm pretty masculine so I "fit in" among all my straight friends and don't stand out in terms of people thinking I'm gay by my actions, voice, etc. (absolutely no offense towards you or anyone else). I dunno, like I said I'm just thinking out loud more than anything. I guess I'm tired of dodging/deflecting the girlfriend question or making up some hollow excuse about not having met someone.

As far as relationships go, in the past I've never desired one because I hadn't met anyone I really connected with until this guy. Unfortunately I think that is part of the problem and is clouding my judgement and why I voiced concern that I'm rushing into this. Almost like I'm worried I'm not doing this for me but for someone else which is a completely absurd reason to come out even to one person, I know.

And your tag says your Bi, and you say you're gay.
As long as you're happy that's all that matters.

Yea I joined right before I started feeling like I have been and was probably still somewhat in the denial stage. I forgot I picked Bi honestly. I've changed it because I am gay, I'm done pretending I'm not. I've thought about relationships with women mainly because I enjoy the idea of having a kid of my own (I know there are other alternative methods). But I know I wouldn't be happy. To answer your other question, no I'm not attracted to women really at all.

I understand I don't have to do any of this and I am in no way saying that every person should. I completely understand reasons for not coming out and I am in no way saying that is wrong or flawed. I'm simply trying to figure out where I need to be in that aspect. Not out? Out to some? Out to All? It's just really difficult at the moment and I know no one else can really help me with that decision.

[TigerLover]

Well these days when someone comes out to friends it usually goes one of two ways. Sometimes there are fireworks, lots of shouting and accusations of tricfkery and lying. But far far more often people just shrug and say "ok whatever". Then all that tension and anxiety just sorta fizzles out and you feel like a real tit for waiting so long.

But the big deal is coming out to family, especially parents. In their heads they've got all those dreams of you walking down the aisle with a pretty girl and giving them cute grandkids, Cycle of life and all that.
Thats where the sparks usually fly. Parents are often dissapointed when their children are gay and in that dissapointment they might say and do some unpleasent things.


So assuming that your friends aren't homophobic I recommend coming out to your friends first to build your confidence and get their support. Then move on to family.

Oh and personally no I don't think you're going too fast. But like you said I don't know what's going on inside your cranium.