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What exactly does he wants?
#1
Hi there, I’m a 25 yo gay man and diagnosed HIV 10 yrs ago. I'm currently working for a furniture manufacturer as an accountant.
I met Peter online about two years ago, now he is 35 yo and lives in Ohio. He has been a pharmacist over 10 yrs and now back in school for his second master degree. So what I like about him is he is a caring, dependable, funny, and smart guy. But sometimes I’m also very disgusted by him being racist and arrogant, and talking mean and harsh about ppl or things that he hates. Also, Peter is that kind of top that doesn’t bottom at all and prefers to be the provider in a relationship. Sometimes he says things that annoy me but he never lies (like sharing his hookups with me, we never officially be boyfriends so technically he is single). He is generally a selfish person but can be very generous to his loved ones. So yeah, my feelings about him are just very complicated.

He was still with his ex when we first met. Although they were still boyfriends, their relationship was really broken. We just texted and had some chitchat every now and then, no flirting and nothing happened between him and me at that time.

Last summer I moved here in Texas from Colorado, and all of sudden he started to text me and call me on the phone a lot more often. I was told that he had broke up with his ex earlier and now he wanted me. When I asked him why, he just said he always likes me, he thinks I’m good-looking and we got along very well. Apparently that was not very much convincing, and I thought that’s just a joke at first. It took me a long time to finally believe that he was serious based on my experience. Later then he started to talk with me about moving in with him, and that was when I thought I needed to tell him that I’m hiv poz.

First of all, we never had sex yet. I told him about my status right before the Thanksgiving last year. At first his reaction was quite casual and surprised me, he said he really appreciated that I was being honest and it’s ok if it’s done safely, especially I’m currently undetectable. But a few days later, he acted all frustrated and told me how he was mad at the guy who ruined my life and health. He was sorry for what happened to me but he doesn’t want to date someone who is poz. Well, that was what I thought it would be, but still it was hard for me to take. He said he just needed some time to think and would tell me about his decision.

I never heard from him again, and I thought alright then this is his decision.

But just when I was ready to let it go, one day he started texting me again and acted like normal, like nothing happened before. And now he would still say things like that he likes me a lot, but never mentioned about having a relationship with me again. It’s just so absurd.

Sometimes I get frustrated when I’m talking to him because I feel it is so meaningless, I don’t know what it is for still keeping in touch with him at this point. But honestly, I haven’t totally given up on him, but I also know that generally he is very stubborn and it’s hard to make him change his decision once he made it, so I don’t even wanna bother trying. But the problem is although it seems obvious, he never gave me his decision even I did ask again later, which is what makes me frustrated. Sometimes I feel maybe it’s better for us to just stop talking so I won’t be holding any hope. I told him once to stop contacting me, he said he wouldn’t, but it’s my decision whether to reply or not.

Probably the biggest reason I’m still talking with him is that he wants to start his own business after he finishes school next year and he will offer me a position in his company if I want (I’ve told him I hate my current job and I want to quit, but just no luck with job searching). Or if I quit my job now I can move to Ohio and stay with him, and he will take care of all my bills till I find a job there. Well it’s a great offer and I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not interested. I did ask him would it be like taking advantage of him? And all he said was he doesn’t care; at least he has something to be taken advantage of. It seems like no one gets hurt, but I just feel really tired of the whole thing, I can’t tell what exactly he wants, and I wouldn’t be here if I can get a straight answer from him. I’m just so confused.
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#2
To me it sounds like he wrote you off as a possible partner/relationship, but clearly still cares about you and wants you in his life, probably as a friend. At least, this is the impression I got from what you've written.

If you want clarification from him, you'll probably have to openly -ask- him why he still contacts you and what his decision was concerning you being poz. What he's looking for in his contact with you, and where he wants it to go.
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#3
TwisttheLeaf Wrote:To me it sounds like he wrote you off as a possible partner/relationship, but clearly still cares about you and wants you in his life, probably as a friend. At least, this is the impression I got from what you've written.

He used to seriously joke about he really really wants to fxxk me after he knew about my status, and I told him it's not funny but annoying. He can fxxk me but cannot date me bc I'm poz? That doesn't make any sense. I did ask these questions you mentioned to him, every time he just ignored me and didn't want to discuss.

Yeah, I guess ur right, it is what it seems like indeed, maybe I'm just not willing to admit it, and now it's hard for me to go back to be friends with him.
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#4
allanchen1990 Wrote:He used to seriously joke about he really really wants to fxxk me after he knew about my status, and I told him it's not funny but annoying. He can fxxk me but cannot date me bc I'm poz? That doesn't make any sense. I did ask these questions you mentioned to him, every time he just ignored me and didn't want to discuss.

Yeah, I guess ur right, it is what it seems like indeed, maybe I'm just not willing to admit it, and now it's hard for me to go back to be friends with him.
If he isn't answering the question you must INSIST that he answer the question. Don't let that go. You NEED a clear answer to this question. No avoidance. No dilly-dallying or dancing around the point. You need clarity from him.

Frankly, the way you paint this relationship (meaning, such as it is), I can't imagine it ever becoming a good one... even as just a friendship, much less as an employer/employee relationship and completely off the charts as a romantic relationship. The man is not trustworthy, has no idea what his truth is, isn't able to be honest with you about whatever it is, is all over the map. I don't know either of you but from what you say I get the impression this person is very unhealthy FOR YOU. There's nothing in what you've written that gives me any sense that this is ever going to change... if anything it will only get worse. And the more you are 'tied' to him (whether job or w/e) the more vulnerable you're going to be to his crazy.

My advice: Move on. And quickly.
.
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#5
I advise against you being with him. Some of the things you posted, to me, seem like red flags. He sounds like a narcissist to me.... Just my 2 cents...
~Beaux
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#6
MikeW Wrote:If he isn't answering the question you must INSIST that he answer the question. Don't let that go. You NEED a clear answer to this question. No avoidance. No dilly-dallying or dancing around the point. You need clarity from him.

As I mentioned above, I wasn’t really interested at first. But from what I’ve written above you could see that Peter is one aggressive guy. He just kept chasing till he gets what he wants.

He did say that he still at least wants to be friends with me, but without asking me whether I want it or not. I even blocked him once and he just used another phone to text me. So yeah it feels like that he always makes the call of what we are supposed to be and has to win. So far the only answer I got from him is that he still likes me a lot, but he doesn’t have a decision where he wants it to go and probably never will bc he doesn’t want to commit anything if he cannot fulfill.

I’ve told him that I can’t help but when talking with him just reminds me of the fact that I couldn’t become his bf because of my status, which still bothers me, and he just said: “oh I thought we already got over it”. There were couple times when I felt that he was dancing around I ended up yelling at him on the phone, but he always acted calm and matured and never yelled back like I’m the crazy one.

Sometimes I feel that he truly cares about me and there’s no reason to doubt, but he also does not hide that he gets turned on by other cute boys, as what he said “being totally honest with me”. And given the fact that we aren’t really boyfriends, I’m not even in a position to be mad at him.

Peter used to be a workaholic and does not have many close friends. Regardless of the issues between us, I think I’m one of the very few ppl who can hold a conversation and talk with him on the phone over hours and hours.

Yeah well, I know Peter might sound like a jerk to most of you guys, and I don’t even think that he is very physically attractive to me, but he somehow has the power makes me cannot reject him. And I think you guys are right, this is a toxic relationship and I’m kinda addicted.
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#7
Its not often I read long posts but the more I read the more concerned I became - Firstly , don't become his partner just for a new job...what do you think would happen to that job if you break up ?
im no doctor so im just guessing but this guy sounds bi polar or something along those lines..he's all over the place emotionally, This next one is up to you - id be tempted to make contact with his ex if at all possible if you are really wanting to move in with him - just to ask what this guy is really all about !

the last sentence you wrote scares me - (but he somehow has the power makes me cannot reject him) some personality types will target people just like you on purpose , that may well be an extreme observation but from what I read then it has to be considered. Sorry for been so negative buddy
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#8
allanchen1990 Wrote:... And I think you guys are right, this is a toxic relationship and I’m kinda addicted.
All we have to go on are your words, and even then its our interpretation of your words. But, yeah, it sounds to me like you already know this is not a healthy station for you. IF you agree and you want to end it and move on, we're here to be a support for that. If you want to stay or make it even more dependent then you're going to have to help us understand WHY you would want that (despite all you've said).
.
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#9
matty7 Wrote:the last sentence you wrote scares me - (but he somehow has the power makes me cannot reject him) some personality types will target people just like you on purpose , that may well be an extreme observation but from what I read then it has to be considered. Sorry for been so negative buddy

Honestly, he is not a physically attractive man and he knows it, which probably is the only thing that he doesn't feel good about himself. And he got a weird conclusion from it: he has to have a good-looking boyfriend to “balance out”.

Also I’m just curious, have you guys ever encountered someone whom you see as a potential relationship that likes to share his past sexual experience with you? Cuz I’ve heard about many different stories about the hookups that he had before. Is it normal to tell this kind of stuff while you are chasing someone?
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#10
MikeW Wrote:All we have to go on are your words, and even then its our interpretation of your words. But, yeah, it sounds to me like you already know this is not a healthy station for you. IF you agree and you want to end it and move on, we're here to be a support for that. If you want to stay or make it even more dependent then you're going to have to help us understand WHY you would want that (despite all you've said).

Well yes I can analysis the pros and cons of sticking with him, and I'm not even sure if I'm in love with him. It's hard to explain why I find it difficult to move on. I think I’m just more like an emotional person so I listen to my heart more than my brain.
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