Your Daily Horoscope v1.01

[knickerbuck]

NOTE: Please do this ONLY once a day:
Zodiac Sign of Crush:


Pisces - You will be visited by (a/n)
Aries - You will be guided by (a/n)
Taurus - You will be mentored by (a/n)
Gemini - You will be eaten by (a/n)
Cancer - You will be granted superpowers by (a/n)
Leo - You will be lectured by (a/n)
Virgo - You will be rewarded by (a/n)
Libra - You will be punched by (a/n)
Scorpio - You will be tickled by (a/n)
Sagittarius - You will be abducted by (a/n)
Capricorn - You will be bugged by (a/n)
Aquarius - You will be kissed by (a/n)

Chinese Zodiac of Enemy:

rat - alien
ox - queen
tiger - starfish
rabbit - Rugrat
dragon - Ronald McDonald
snake - Evil Knievil
horse - Paula Deen
goat - Athena
monkey - Will Smith
rooster - Hermione
dog - Buddha
pig - Nero

then, /(your birth date) - (the date of today)/ = /n/

f1=([d+d]+[m+m]+[y+y+y+y])
f2=([d+d]+[m+m]+[y+y+y+y])
/f1-f2/=/n/

n=1 - and will be given a fortune cookie.
n=2 - and will be kicked in the ass.
n=3 - and will be singing Die Another Day by Madonna.
n=4 - and will be congratulated by him.
n=5 - and will be forced to do the Limbo.
n=6 - and will be slapped in the ass for disobeying.
n=7 - and will be a DJ for a year.
n=8 - and will be singing Satan loves me.
n=9 - and will be kicking some ass today.
n=0 - and will be blatantly bombing the United States White House.
n=odd integer * holiday - and will be decking the halls with boughs of holly.
n=even integer * holiday - and will be painting the roses red.