07-29-2016, 09:20 PM
i don't know what's going on with me lately.. but i have been careless about everything. nothing matters to me anymore and there's not much that gets to me. I have been with the married dude for more than a month now. For all those judging me out there, you won't understand the culture and domestic pressure that made him do it. If he didn't do it, he would lose his family, the family business and go broke and homeless. Also, he being married, he needs that part where he has sex with men in his life. Because if he doesn't do it, he'll be sexually frustrated and all else will fail, his business, marriage, family and everything else. Doing it with men is his only relief.. I understand, and if it were out of this country I would tell him to fuck off, get a divorce or whatever and then he can get with me. But since we're in Jordan.. it's different and a lot of Married gay men do it..
This is my last time of ever doing it though.
He also owes his dad for it as he told me (idk why but maybe cuz his dad's been supporting him and needs him to have kids and a family cuz it's a family tradition for elder son to be married.)
I'm not emotionally involved with him really. It's just for fun and he knows it. He has fun with other dudes as well. he's a nice person though. And idk, somehow all this complicated mess just works out...
I have been talking to another dude at the same time and hanging with him. He's also nice but not much of a talker..
My piece of shit family has gotten to the level where they no longer speak to me anymore, they've been keeping away food from me and cut most of the financial support from me.. Note that I have been working out and I need the nutrition. If I am not nourished then no muscle mass will be built. So I'm kind of stuck here..
Although, it doesn't matter what they do cuz I no longer expect anything from them, they mean absolutely nothing to me. And I no longer want them to have any part of my life.
Sometimes, I just think to myself that maybe, it's not that i don't care.. It's the fact that I am too focused on getting out of here. So much that I don't recognize the shit they put me through and don't think of it at all. Working as a teacher assistant for almost 6 months now and keeping a high average at Univ and above all I have been accepted in an online course offered by a US univ that help me learn how to teach English to teenagers.. all that can be a huge asset at helping getting accepted for the Arabic teacher assistant program offered by the French embassy where I can go to france, teach arabic for 7 months and after that i can apply for masters and stay there.
I know I will get it. I am sure of it and I am very confident I will. Then the day will come when I pack my bags and just leave without telling anyone, without goodbyes. Nothing.
That'll be the perfect revenge for me.
This is my last time of ever doing it though.
He also owes his dad for it as he told me (idk why but maybe cuz his dad's been supporting him and needs him to have kids and a family cuz it's a family tradition for elder son to be married.)
I'm not emotionally involved with him really. It's just for fun and he knows it. He has fun with other dudes as well. he's a nice person though. And idk, somehow all this complicated mess just works out...
I have been talking to another dude at the same time and hanging with him. He's also nice but not much of a talker..
My piece of shit family has gotten to the level where they no longer speak to me anymore, they've been keeping away food from me and cut most of the financial support from me.. Note that I have been working out and I need the nutrition. If I am not nourished then no muscle mass will be built. So I'm kind of stuck here..
Although, it doesn't matter what they do cuz I no longer expect anything from them, they mean absolutely nothing to me. And I no longer want them to have any part of my life.
Sometimes, I just think to myself that maybe, it's not that i don't care.. It's the fact that I am too focused on getting out of here. So much that I don't recognize the shit they put me through and don't think of it at all. Working as a teacher assistant for almost 6 months now and keeping a high average at Univ and above all I have been accepted in an online course offered by a US univ that help me learn how to teach English to teenagers.. all that can be a huge asset at helping getting accepted for the Arabic teacher assistant program offered by the French embassy where I can go to france, teach arabic for 7 months and after that i can apply for masters and stay there.
I know I will get it. I am sure of it and I am very confident I will. Then the day will come when I pack my bags and just leave without telling anyone, without goodbyes. Nothing.
That'll be the perfect revenge for me.