What does this mean?

[jeremyst]

I am new here, so I'd like to quickly explain my situation: I am an East Asian gay guy who just moved to the UK alone in a very rural area about 1.5 years ago.

This could get very lengthy. But I think the only way I could get good perspective is if I tell as much as I can. I will keep it concise as much as I can, as well.

I met this guy via dating app about 6 months ago, initially with no exact goals (open). However both of us wanted sex... and so without talking about it, we ended up at friends with benefits.

We talk about things, we go out often. We text every day, even good mornings and good nights with kisses. He let's me know all of his plans (or at least that's what I know when he told me that), and I let him know mine. I think how we get along is normal. I know myself and I am sure I can see having something serious with this guy... and so I started showing how much I am willing to. However it seems like we're not on the same page when it comes to being serious.

It might be improper to quote him here, but I really want to know what this means, if it means anything else (eg: if I need to read between the lines more). He was the one who brought up the conversation about our relationship status. I was consistent on saying to him how I like him. One of the responses he said that pinches my heart still until now (this was maybe like about 1-2 months ago):

"I think you probably want something serious and I'm always asking myself if that's what I want, and I definitely don't want to rush into anything. You know it's hard to say how one feels about things all the time as we don't always know how we feel.

"Obviously we are having a nice time doing stuff together. Yes it doesn't feel that serious and I don't know if anything will change or what would make it change. I almost feel like I am taking advantage of you, and that I'm taking you for a ride or something, but I know I'm not, but at the same time I feel I owe you something or owe you more of myself because of the things that you do for me. And I do just wonder whether you would be satisfied with us just having something casual or whether you would get bored and go elsewhere. It feels like I am stringing you along because it sounds like you want to settle down and I'm not sure.

If you were expecting things to get really serious, I cannot guarantee that. I hope that things eventually just work themselves out but I don't know if they always do."

I know that he is still chatting in the app with other guys. I don't anymore just because it is my choice not to. Because we are just casual, I know he is not doing anything wrong. And so based on what he said, and the fact that I know he is still interested on meeting other people, it leads me to think that he is just not interested about me and just keeps me around until he finds a new/right/next guy... and I can't help but feel really down when I think about this.

And now I am entering a point when I know I am starting to have more serious feelings. Things that are normally fine, now I am starting to feel hurt (as simple as - eg. if a long time has passed and I don't receive a reply from him yet, but I know he's chatting with other guys in the app)

I guess my questions are:

1) Based on your experience and Western cultural background/mindset, do you think he is (or there is a chance that he might be) telling the truth about not stringing me around? I was thinking maybe I am not just used to dating a westerner

2) It drives me crazy when I am hurting, but know that he might not have done anything wrong, and it's just because I am starting to feel things. Am I just being impatient, based on your perspective?

3) Taking into consideration the hings that he said, is it wise to bring up what I am feeling, or should I hold it off a bit more? I have to be honest that I am scared to drive him away by doing it.

[LJay]

Welcome to the forum, Jeremy. There are lots of good fellows here and I hope you will enjoy reading and writing to them.

You are obviously more serious about the relationship than he is. You must accept that. Things may do very nicely for a long time, or you may part. You have to accept that also.

You need to consider the difference between a pleasant casual relationship and a relationship that must be overly defined by one of the partners. Put simply, he does not want to tie himself down. He is not ready for that. If you wish to continue with him, you must recognize his wishes and be careful not to question them too much.

when I was young I took certain relationships very, very seriously. (They were not dating relationships.) The other parties di not. I ended up with many hurt feelings while the others simply moved on. I would have been much happier if I had learned to see that others did not see things as I did.

It sounds as though you have a good friend but not a permanent partner.

[Borg69]

He likes you enough to get him off now and then but no enough to make a full on commitment with. You fill in until he finds his Mr. Right. He just doesn't have the balls to tell you.

[jeremyst]

Thank you for the comments. That is really sad to think about. It's actually starting to hurt me now, just thinking about it when he's chatting others for whatever reason. But I know we are just casual.

In terms of accepting that we'll be just friends with benefits, I don't know if I can accept that thinking about how I feel right now. And I am even more scared about if my feelings will grow more, I know I will be really hurt when it's time to part with him.

Apart from the good times that we are having at the moment, the reason I am staying is because I am kind of hoping that there might be even the smallest chance he'll see me in a different light. But reading about your comments now, I guess I need to think otherwise... Should I be better off to pull the plug now or later... I don't know.

[Cridders88]

At the moment, this relationship is imbalanced. This is not a healthy situation to be in for the person that is investing more into the relationship; you. He seems to be aware of the fact that you want to take things a step further, but he is not ready for that. He says he might be in the future, but there are certainly no guarantees of that unfortunately.

It's really tough . If you want to see where things might go long term, then it might be worth continuing as you are for now, but never do that at the sacrifice of your own mind, if you don't feel like you can continue the relationship as it is, then DON'T. Because it will just end up with a whole lot more hurt for you, more than breaking it off now if you have to.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Hey man, welcome to GS.

I'm sorry to say it, but from reading what you quoted? It sounds like he's happy with how things are, but feeling guilty because he knows you want more.

Since guilt isn't a good reason to push forward into a deeper relationship, I'd say you need to decide if you can handle thing as they are now. If not, it may be time to move on.

[jeremyst]

I have now decided that I will gradually let go. I feel like it's unnecessary to like make a letting go speech or something (lol) in front of him. I also hope that this way, I will avoid a huge heartache, and be gradually get used to it.(?)

I think I can try to change my mood here now

[Borg69]

I have now decided that I will gradually let go. I feel like it's unnecessary to like make a letting go speech or something (lol) in front of him. I also hope that this way, I will avoid a huge heartache, and be gradually get used to it.(?)

I think I can try to change my mood here now

As long as you're both ok with it, and know what it is, there's nothing wrong with having a physical relationship. But if you're getting feelings for this guy, and expecting him to respond back accordingly, then it would probably be better to distance yourself from him for the time being. There's really no need for any dramatic, "Farewell, I'm dumping you" speeches because you're not in a relationship with him.

If you really want to throw it out there and let him know you're getting in a little over your head with feelings and need to take a step back, I don't see anything wrong with that if you're willing to make yourself that vulnerable to him. There's nothing wrong with it, but most people are too chickenshit to be that honest without trying to make it some manipulative passive aggressive head game.

[jeremyst]

As long as you're both ok with it, and know what it is, there's nothing wrong with having a physical relationship. But if you're getting feelings for this guy, and expecting him to respond back accordingly, then it would probably be better to distance yourself from him for the time being. There's really no need for any dramatic, "Farewell, I'm dumping you" speeches because you're not in a relationship with him.

If you really want to throw it out there and let him know you're getting in a little over your head with feelings and need to take a step back, I don't see anything wrong with that if you're willing to make yourself that vulnerable to him. There's nothing wrong with it, but most people are too chickenshit to be that honest without trying to make it some manipulative passive aggressive head game.

Thanks for this. To be honest, I don't really mind appearing vulnerable to him. I think at some point he already knows that I like him more than he does me (but without the feelings). At this point (and with my age) in my life, I just want to live as truthful as I can be, without hurting anyone.

[jeremyst]

I posted a quoted reply to Borg69, and now my post needs moderation all of a sudden. So it comes when it comes