I need a revelation or whatever...

[Ammon]

So lately me and my partner aren't doing well anymore as some of you may already know..

It's like we can't stand eachother anymore...
Everytime there's a disagreement we have a fight.
We talk to eachother full with hate. We went so far in our fights that I've packed my bags. And everytime he notice that I'm ready to leave he starts being nice. Being funny etc..

I'm the kind of person that when you hurt my feelings badly, I will never EVER want to talk to you again, I will never come to you if I didn't do anything wrong, I will never start a convertation or whatever. But I do have one weakness, when you simply look at me and laugh I'll laugh back and all is forgiven. And my partner knows this. So no matter how terrible he is towards me, he know how to make it right again..

Most of the time when he becomes this monster I grew to hate is when it's the week of the kids.

It's so sickening to see him change the second they walk in. He starts complaining and shouting about every little thing. I asked him many times not to treat me this way in front of his kids, and when I ask him "would you not shout?" He'll say "AM I SHOUTING!!???!?"

--_--

A week ago we broke up and I told him, you do your thing and I'll do mine!

And so I signed up to this gay app probably something like grindr.

And I told my partner "look I made a profile, I'm showing you this so you truly understand that for me it's over!

Well to be honest the profile is really just for chats and making friends, nothing special. And he said I don't care. 10 mins after that he started being nice to me?

Today again, he started yelling at me because his daughter fell. The reason I was to blame was because I went to the store and locked the garage door so when he came and found the garage locked they had to come in through the front door and she apparently stumbled and I was to blame. He let the dogs in the house before he left and when he got back an hour later he started yelling at me about letting the dogs out and back inside with their paws wet! And I said you do realize that you brought them in and since then they didn't leave the livingroom?
And he went to the closet and found out that the candies were gone, he knows i don't eat candies, maybe one or two candies a year.. and he know his younger daughter is addicted. So he starts yelling at me that I ate all the candies . So I tell him why the fuck would I eat a whole box of candies when you know that I'm not into candies?! He'll answer with "sure they dissappear on their own then!"


Pffff I could write a whole book about this.

Will this ever get better or is the only solution to leave him??? I honestly love him so much, when the kids aren't around he is most of the time a good partner. He does always think of my needs before his or his kids. I sometimes believe that he really hates the fact that he got kids. He does everything for his kids but still believe he wishes things were different.

He used to say in the beginning I love you more then my childeren and I told him that I never want to hear that again." Now a simple I love you was like 5 or 6 months ago.. -_-

At the moment things are going good again but for how long...?

[Gemini]

From reading your posts, it seems like this has been going on for a while. I know how hard it is to be torn this way. When you love someone deeply, it's heartbreaking when the relationship starts to erode. You cling to the good moments and try to believe that, magically, things will get better.

All of this packing your bags and making profiles isn't working for you. It sounds like it just puts him on the defensive.

Maybe you could pick a moment when the kids aren't there and he's calm and in a decent mood. Tell him how much you love him, but you're afraid that the relationship is falling apart. Ask him what's really bothering him, because it's certainly not about candy or muddy dogs. Ask him what he wants. If he wants to stay together, ask what you both can do to make things better. What does he need that he isn't getting. And tell him what you need, too.

I know that confronting someone this way is difficult. But an open communication is the only way to make things better. If he refuses to talk about it, then you're going to need to decide if you can live with the way things are or not.

I really hope it works out.

[artyboy]

Hmmm don't let him abuse you like this it's emotional abuse. That's how it started with my dad towards my mum, it then later went onto physical abuse and towards me.

So sad to see it happening to you as I can see you love your {ex) partner alot, but you don't deserve that from them. Move on before it gets out of hand and you can't get out.

Upsets me to see this happening to others.

[LJay]

Some really good comments above!

When the kids come, how long do they stay? Would it help if you went out for the day and gave him time alone with them?

Sitting down to talk it over when the kids re not there is a good idea. Kids pick up on adult tension very quickly ad they certainly don't need it. Tell him you want to help with that.

He is obviously feeling a lot of pressure to make things go right when the kids are around, but he is not quite sure how to make that happen. It might be that the two of you talking would help him to get his worries out front so that he cane deal with them. In other words, try to be a good sounding board.

Another idea, could you do a planned thing that would allow him more time to concentrate on the kids. I am thinking something like, "OK, the kids will be here tomorrow. How about if I take care of dinner from start to cleanup? We can plan what to eat and I will do it all so that you can have more time to be with them. Maybe do something special and come home to dinner all ready?"

If you get on well with the kids, maybe you could do a small something with them to allow him a little quiet time when they are there. He may feel pressured to be "on duty" all the time.

He may also be feeling pressured to make it all perfect so that the kids do not go back to the other half of their family with "Bad" stories.

Of course you need to stand up for yourself, but it sounds like you care enough for him to want to be a good partner, too. Good luck.

[TwisttheLeaf]

IMO, it's time to walk. He's demonstrating the very clear and common pattern of an abuser. And, from the sound of it, that pattern is escalating over time.

Regardless of if an abuser truly loves you or not, they're still an abuser. And living through abuse isn't acceptable, at least not to me. So I'd detangle myself financially and otherwise, and move out. Don't just pack your backs, actually LEAVE and don't look back. There's others out there that will treat you better and appreciate your love without using you as an emotional punching bag.

[Ammon]

Thanx for the advice guys.

But I tried all that. Lol I've left out a lot of what was going on these last 2 years.
[MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] they're one week here and one week at their mother.

We both work in the night. So the kids, during the workweek sleep with their grandparents. And in the weekend they sleep here with us.

In the beginning of our relationship I was "allowed" alot more to do around the house etc... moved away from hometown which is 120km away so I was jobless and had the time to do many things like cleaning, groceries, taking the kids to school and bringing them back from school. I even suggested to him that while I'm looking out for a job the kids don't need to go to their grandparents. They can stay here with me while you go to work.

They were so happy, even their grandparents.

After few months he started complaining, that I didn't cleaned the floors with the right product, or that I do too many times the wash. Then one day his mother came over while I was ironing, and she started saying that I iron too slow. Since that day he started complaining about that aswell, everytime I cooked a special dinner, I'd ask "how is it?" And he'll say "it's not really my thing". Or when I'd make simple things like spaghetti or lasagna, and I'd ask is it any good? He'll say "it's spaghetti, everyone can make it."

When I'm baking a cake, he comes to the kitchen and be like "my god, it's like a bomb went off in here."
Seriously -_- I cant be mixing ingredients and do the dishes at the same time!

One day I was cooking a moroccan dish, and he was keeping an eye on me, and I knew he was waiting to comment again, and he did, "why would you do that before that, why are you putting that in it? Why don't you just... blah blah blah..." I turned to him I said "you know what here you go, cook it yourself!" I went sitting on the couch and he came to me and said "what do I have to do with this?" -_-

When we had a fight my partner would tell everyone and with every little details ! And I mean litterly EVERYONE. Neighbours, family, coworkers who knows about us, and his friends.

One day his mom was at our house and suddenly she said "what time do you wake up to take the kids to school and I said 6:45 am. She goes on saying "what??? You should wake up at 6:30 am!"
Me: excuse me? The school starts at 8:30 and it's 10min driving or 15min if it's too busy.
She: I don't understand why you need to wake up this late?
My partner started agreeing with her.
So I said: I believe I sacrificed more then enough for this family, I have always been good on time at school, so I really don't see the need for complaining. you are not forcing me to wake up 15min earlier. You should be grateful that I'm willing to do this at all!

Since that day my partner started complaining to everyone that I refuse to wake up "on (their) time"

And when I said you should be happy that I take them to school everyday! And he said "what? Every day??? For those few times?"

It was six months that I was jobless so it was also 6 months that I took his children to school!

Nothing I say or do is apreciated. It's always been taken for granted.

[LJay]

Thanks for the clarity, [MENTION=20944]Ammon[/MENTION]. It is so very little to say that I grieve your loss. At the same time, I wish you the best of new life, either with or without a supportive partner. You have gone through enough. I have ways to know this that I cannot elaborate upon, but it is true. Above all, to your own self be true. It is the only way that you will be of any value to the rest of us. Peace, good man.

[Ammon]

[MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION], are you my guardian angel?

Well yesterday, he started talking about making some changes in the house, somethings that I suggested a year ago. And I simply said to him "it's something you should decide on your own, because I'm already looking out for a new place. But not sure if it should be a house or an appartement"

And he didn't flinch or anything he was for the first time actually supportive, well in his own way.
He suggested to take an appartement, saying a house is too big for one person.

[Gemini]

@Amnon, I just read your update and to be honest, I feel totally pissed off on your behalf. WTF is wrong with these people? Don't they appreciate anything? You're a hell of a lot more mature than I am, because if someone talked about my cooking that way, he'd be wearing it.

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through. But what I'm hearing from you is strength. So many people never find the strength to walk away from abusive relationships. And yeah, I think he's abusive. He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. It sounds like he's trying to erode your self-confidence and self-worth, and I'm impressed that you just won't let him do that.

You deserve to be loved and valued. I wish you all the best in getting through this awful situation and building a better life.

[Ammon]

I'm sorry for the late response [MENTION=23954]Gemini[/MENTION]. I was at work.

I'm so thankful for your support guys. I can't start to explain how my heart feels after reading your comments.
[MENTION=23954]Gemini[/MENTION], you are too kind. This is the first time I hear someone else say "wtf is wrong with these people" and I've been waiting to hear someone else saying it for like almost 2 years, because I've been asking myself that very specific question.

I eventually concluded that I'm dealing with a narcistic mother-son relationship.

And no they really don't appreciate a thing.
They take everything for granted. They think that everything they do is right and everything that someone else does differently is wrong. And those were not even the worst things of what I've mentioned. I'll save you guys the dramas