Fobo

[TigerLover]

Wise words [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION]
Reminds me of Bruce Lee.

"Always be yourself, express yourself and have faith in yourself. Do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it." -Bruce Lee

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I do think one thing is for sure. My internal problems aren't just going to go away anytime soon. Not all days are bad days, I don't always feel "inadequate" but sometimes I do. I suppose there many triggers for feeling down in the dumps.

I know another thing. Sometimes I look at the times I have been in a crush for instance, you feel like they're the only one and there is no other and when things aren't panning out the way you want them to you feel that you had failed at the only shot. Which isn't true...

I do think that clip from TNG is very true. Sometimes you can make no mistake and still fail. I have seen that episode... Perhaps it is time for me to watch the series again.

The thing is that I know better than to think something or know that I'm a good looking guy and smarter than many people and I am certainly worth people's time and deserving of someone who will make me happy, just as happy as I do about them. I know that, but it is defying how feeling a certain why changes your logic, what you think. I do mostly agree that we choose what we think about, although it may seem second nature to worry about things, or compare yourself to someone else and wonder how the hell do you stand a chance when you're really putting someone on a pedestal in a way. Everyone has their insecurities, and we all wonder why they have them. It is easier to overlook someone else's flaws rather than your own, I am certainly guilty as charged there.

Being gay is often pretty lonely. Can't really talk about things with a lot of people, certainly a smaller and more sparse community and even within that community there are few people who can really relate to you.

Anyway. I did go to them gym, despite my cat pissing in my gym bag...little shit. So going to try making it a habit. I wish I had a gym partner or something but I suppose like everything else I'll just have to do it myself. I do feel better having gone to the gym yesterday. I just need to not make it feel like a chore, stop feeling guilty about everything else I am not supposedly doing...it is all in my head for the most part.

[Gemini]

Good that you went to the gym! BTW, if you find a product that gets cat piss stink out of fabric, let me know. Damned annoying creature -

You mentioned feeling guilty about all the things that you're supposedly not doing. Sometimes, people feel like they have to make big changes,or change a bunch of stuff all at once and it gets overwhelming. A series of small changes over time usually works better. Like, you went to the gym. That made you feel a bit better. I don't really know your life, so I'm not sure what other small, doable changes would help. You'd have to think about this.

I'm saying this because after my dad died, my mom got into a total depressed rut. She felt like she couldn't have a life or ever find another man because - Oh, IDK, because she was fat, going gray, had virtually no single friends, was in general "out of touch" and in her opinion, boring. Her friend got her started doing little things, small changes, and she's a lot happier these days. She even had a couple dates recently lol.

IDK --- just my random thoughts.

[InbetweenDreams]

Hmm, well sometimes I feel like I lack a true identity, like I feel that I am the epitome of ordinary, mediocre in some ways. I just struggle in finding what my purpose is...I suppose I could speculate why.

Well without making a long long post, I think one of the things that do bother me is that I don't have my own place. I have talked about it before, but I feel like I have kind of "waited" on things to change, like I was hoping to have a friend to be a roommate, rather than a stranger. Then my mother is very very ill, I feel bad about moving out because my father is a prick to her and I feel like I have to be the referee between them. I know I just need to bite the bullet and get out but I have to get rid of the insane amount of debt, making progress but it is probably going to take a couple years.

Then there's me questioning my sexuality, education. I really need to ask myself do I really need to go back to school? I mean there is a good chance that I may just end up with a lot of school loans and not being able to pay that off, or it taking 20 years... I don't want to be 50 paying off student loans.

I guess what I really really need is that one friend who I can be completely comfortable with talking to and be somewhat of a mentor sort of speak. I seem to do well with that but eh people go away.

[Insertnamehere]

Ohhh, I've had a similar train of thought, from a different source, though.

It is very easy, oh so easy to fall into this game. I get you. I get why you can feel like this.

Dating is just cruel. That's just the reality. I mean, it's awesome for some people. Some people don't even have to lift a fucking finger to get someone!!!! Others just draw in guy after guy by..I don't know, looks, personality, whatever.

I know a guy who now doesn't talk to me because he's a fucking egomaniac and I don't really like that (the fucker), who's entire mindset about dating was "I'm good looking so I can get people, and therefore I will get guys and when I'm bored I'll dump them for someone else". And he did just that. A lot.

Some guys have all the luck. No effort, no pain, no consequences. I'm rambling, I know, but when met with reality it is so easy to feel your sel confidence erode rapidly when you're not one of those guys I mentioned.


But the thing is, Axle, that IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO FILL ANYONE ELSE'S EXPECTATIONS. Or them filling yours.

You are you and believe it or not you will be "it" for one or more guys out there. Maybe they are thinking the exact same thing as you do right now. The way to go is to simply increase the chances of collision so the reaction can happen. That means, *cringes*, to keep trying, to keep exposing yourself to hurt and failure. But if it happens, none of that will matter.

You have skills, traits and features that are yours alone, plenty of those traits will be just right for someone else, but first and foremost they ahve to be just right for you! Meaning, your self worth shouldn't be measured in terms of what other think or expect from you, but on what YOU have achieved for YOURSELF.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=23097]Insertnamehere[/MENTION] Yeah that does seem to be the case quite often. Not sure what it is because I have met and seen very attractive, wonderful guys (and girls for that matter) who are in the same boat and I'm like wtf? How are you single!?

I know I should just let go of the folks who have paid me with negative comments and remarks about my appearance or those exes who have belittled me. I had one ex tell me he faked everything during sex.... How terrible is that? I mean why would you bullshit your partner about that stuff? I mean I get not being a dick about it but really?

Anyway, I do feel that I know better, I possess the knowledge but "knowing" it on an emotional level, that seems to be the part that flip flops around with me.

I know I was reasonably happy back in the summer when I was staying very active. Although I did get knocked off a bit with some of the set backs with training but I made it through. I cam close to not reaching my goal just over how I felt for the most part.

I guess I do really to do some soul searching....however it is one goes about doing that...

[Insertnamehere]

I know I should just let go of the folks who have paid me with negative comments and remarks about my appearance or those exes who have belittled me. I had one ex tell me he faked everything during sex.... How terrible is that? I mean why would you bullshit your partner about that stuff? I mean I get not being a dick about it but really?

I know from experience that negative thigs like these are hard to forget or overcome. Hrad, but not impossible.

You're a smart guy, with your feet seemingly well placed on the ground. I doubt you can't be sucessful at dating at some point.