Not sure what to do or think.

[darkhorizon]

I need some advice on what I should do in regards to this guy I've been interested in.

We went to high school together and met via mutual friends. He started texting me a lot (like, if I didn't respond within 10 minutes he would blow up my phone), and I knew he had a thing for me. I didn't pursue because I was still uncomfortable with myself at the time.

Fast forward to around April of this year, we started snap chatting. He was really nice and complimented me quite a bit. Eventually we did start sexting on a regular basis and texting eachother from good morning to good night.

Issue number one: he had moved since we graduated and lived about 3 hours away, which made it difficult to make any plans to see eachother. Issue number two: he told me he was straight and I was the only guy he had an interest in. I didn't believe this, not sure if he's bisexual or gay but it definitely made me raise my eyebrows.

He told me that he wanted to show me off to the world but he was afraid to tell anyone about me. I told him that hurt my feelings and he apologized profusely, but stood by what he said. His brother is gay, and he said his family wasn't accepting at all when he came out. He also told me that his family calls him a "lady killer", etc. so I can only assume he feels stuck in a corner.

But, for a while he seemed to really open up. He started tagging me in gay stuff on social media, saying "this could be us" and whatnot. I asked him if he was concerned about his friends seeing, and he said he would tell them to mind their own business. But, he would still post heterosexual things, straight porn on Tumblr even after we had literally just sexted. It was odd to me and in a way did hurt a little.

I invited him to go camping with me and my friends. It took him a couple days to finally reluctantly agree, unfortunately the trip never happened because my friends flaked. He's never really made an attempt to hang out. He was up in my city for a weekend to go to a friend's bday party, and at first said we should get together but once he came up here he said he wouldn't have time. Eventually I asked him what he wanted between us and he said "maybe FWB". This was a major turn off so I started to pull back.

But, he pulled back first. He stopped complimenting me, we stopped sexting, and he would ignore my compliments. But, he still wanted to text everyday. I got frustrated and ignored him all day, not responding to his good morning text. I assumed he wasn't interested anymore. But he texted me the following morning saying "good morning again" so we continued texting daily.

Then I stopped texting him again because, like before, there was just no longer any indication that he liked me. He wouldn't like/repost any of my social media stuff any more and pretty much stopped snapchatting me as well. So I stopped texting him, and we didn't speak for a few weeks.

Now, we will randomly havbe intervals where we will play Xbox together everyday for a few days and then contact will stop. We went about 3 weeks without talking and then on Christmas Eve he started liking my Tumblr posts again and even liked one of my erotic gay posts which he hadn't done for a while. Then he texted me asking to play Xbox, to which I of course said yes. Immediately he commented about how he was looking at porn and said he was going through my Tumblr liking all of my gay porn posts. Then he mentioned he would be up in my city in a couple weeks and wants to get together.

I just don't know what to think of all this. I'm not interested in being FWB and assuming he follows through with hanging out with me this time, I'm not sure how to act around him. Should I treat it like a date? Should I flirt with him? Should I bring up my concerns? It's really strange how infatuated I am with him, any other guy who would've done this I would've cut off months ago. But I really do have an interest in him, and I know he still has an interest in me. I just don't know what he wants as he's always been a little closed off.

Just some advice would be appreciated. I wanna hear what others think of the situation. I mean, I know if he says he's interested in FWB and then he'd see where it goes from there, then I have my answer... but there's been other times where he's basically said he would want to be in a relationship with me (this was in the earlier days). He ended up moving again by the way, now he only lives about an hour away.

If you have questions, ask - I really, really condensed everything as to not have an essay haha.

[MikeW]

....

Just some advice would be appreciated. I wanna hear what others think of the situation. I mean, I know if he says he's interested in FWB and then he'd see where it goes from there, then I have my answer... but there's been other times where he's basically said he would want to be in a relationship with me (this was in the earlier days). He ended up moving again by the way, now he only lives about an hour away.

If you have questions, ask - I really, really condensed everything as to not have an essay haha.

First of all, darkhorizon, I'm sorry no one has replied to you before now. When I was more active on the forum I tried to keep an eye out for questions posted in this forum that, for whatever reason, got overlooked on the home page... and thus not replied to. My replying now will kick it back up to the top, so perhaps others will see it and put in their 2 cents.

One thing I'm not clear on is how old you are. You say you met in high school, he was interested in you but you were uncomfortable, and then we 'fast forward'... but I have no idea how many years. From the way you write, I'll assume that you're now a college graduate... so early to mid 20s?

It is one of the unfortunate things about living in a homophobic culture that there is so much 'twistyness' about knowing what you want and feeling comfortable expressing that want to other men. It makes a lot of us 'craycray' and we end up making life far more complicated than it need be.

Another thing is the invention of social media and texting. Hell, I'm so old, I'm from an era where most telephones were party lines. There's nothing we can do about it now but the way I see it, texting is the BANE of your generation. I see in what you've written how important whether or not he 'likes' something or 'comments' on something is to you in terms of you appraisal of his interest in you or lack there of. To my mind? That's just nuts. Or, perhaps put better, it is 'craycray' making. Why? Because it is not honest, clear and concise information.

Back in the 1980s/90s when I was peer counseling gay young men, I'd see young gay guys twist themselves up into knots trying to figure out what someone they were interested in MEANT by what they did or didn't do. They were always second-guessing and often getting it totally wrong.

That's what I see going on here. You've come to us to ask a question about how to deal with this guy you're interested in. That's good in the sense that's what we're here for... to give our opinions on things like this. To share whatever experience we have with it. But, when you think about it, isn't it odd that in these times we're confronted with a problem and we seek help from total strangers... knowing absolutely nothing about them? I do it too, so no comment there... just saying, this is where we are now. Very weird world and one quite different than what I grew up in. That is, a world where friends talked TO and WITH one another about whatever was on their minds. (Imagine a group of hippies all sitting around on cushions on the floor, listening to The Stones or The Beatles in the background, while passing a doobies between them, shooting the shit about everything from how to stop the war in Vietnam to what's going wrong with your relationship.)

I gather from what you've said that you're looking to get into a committed relationship. That's fine but what I don't know is how much experience you've had being a gay man. What I see is that a lot of young gay men THINK they want to fall in love and get into a relationship with another guy when, in fact, they have NO IDEA what that actually entails. They can't even communicate the most BASIC things to one another, but they believe they can form a mutual bond that will last through thick and thin.

To me being able to communicate is the bedrock of any relationship. It doesn't have to be only words.. there are many ways to communicate... but (not to beat a dead horse or anything) TEXTING has to be one of the worst. Don't get me wrong, I do text. Regularly. But neither it, nor instant messaging or even video Skyping with someone is the same thing as being in the same room with someone trying to understand one another.

Everyone seems to think because they can talk (or make words on a screen) they can communicate. Not so. Real communication presupposes, first of all, you know... or at least have some idea... what is TRUE for you. If you can do that, if you can know what you want, for example, if you can be clear with yourself about it... then you have something to say worth saying. The second part of communication presupposes whomever you're attempting to communicate with is able to do the same thing: Speak his truth. Finally, communication requires that EACH party in the exchange truly listen to what is being expressed. That means not only listening to the words, but really *being there* with and for the other person. Having some degree of empathy for what may be going on inside them... thoughts and feelings that are often as slippery as eels and difficult to put into words.

From my point of view, what you need to do is sit this guy down and tell him exactly what you've told us. You're interested in this guy but you're also confused by his behavior and responses (or lack there of). You're clear that you're looking for something more than an FWB... but you get the impression he isn't. SO... you put that out and you stop. You put the ball in his court and you allow him some time to 'process' what he just heard you say. Then you wait and see what he says in reply.

My guess, given what you've told us (and it can only be a guess, I don't know you or him), is that this young man has a lot of unresolved inner conflicts about his own sexuality and what it means. You say you don't know if he's gay or bi or what. Here on this forum we've had lots of discussions about this subject and the consensus (more or less) is that sexuality simply can't be put in an 'either or' category. We use terms like 'straight', 'gay', 'bi' as handy boxes to put people in. But human beings are complicated and their sexuality is one of their most complicated aspects.

The way I see it, we've all grown up in, been socialized within, a culture that has a very screwed up understanding of sexuality. I'm not going to go off into that sociological subject but, bottom line, it messes with all our heads. (gay, straight, bi w/e)

So this guy, so far as I can grasp from what you've written, is in a quandary about what his truth is, about what he really wants. He may not KNOW what he wants. To me, if you don't know what you want, but you do KNOW that you don't know, that is at least a start. If he, in reply to you, indicates that he's confused about his own feelings (sexual and otherwise) and doesn't really know (yet) what he wants, well that right there is your answer.

Hearing it you now have some sense of what is true, what is real, for your friend. And you now have to choose how you want to relate to it. Do you want to, are you willing to, get further involved with someone who isn't clear within himself? Are you willing to work with that? If all he wants (now and possibly ever) is an FWB, are you open to that at all with him? If not... if you're certain that isn't going to satisfy you, well, then you have your answer. You're not going anywhere with this guy. And although this may be disappointing, even frustrating, at least you have something solid to work from. You can now let him know that you not interested in getting sexually or emotionally involved with someone who isn't READY for a relationship.

I'm going to stop now. I've said more than enough. I hope it helps you and I hope others now comment on your post.

[darkhorizon]

I've gotten some good advice via another forum, so I'm not going to rehash too much (don't take that the wrong way).

I'm 20, he's 20. I see I made it sound like text is our only form of communication (it's tough finding a balance of info to include in a forum post without writing a novel) but we do talk on the phone quite often as well. Recently I did express my concerns and he reaffirmed me that he still does have an interest in me.

As for him "liking" my social media posts as way to feel secure in his interest in me - no, that's not really it at all. What I was getting at was the fact that this guy is either confused or in denial of his sexuality (and yes, I'm aware of the sexuality spectrum), so when he secretly likes my shirtless/NSFW photos of men, liking dozens at a time, and then afterwards will immediately publically post photos of women of similar nature, seemingly as a way to reaffirm his "straightness" or out of guilt (it's hard to explain how I come to this conclusion, but it's obvious), it just confuses me.

He's in town this weekend, we are supposed to get together tomorrow and spend time together. We will see what happens!

Thanks for your response.

[MikeW]

...

He's in town this weekend, we are supposed to get together tomorrow and spend time together. We will see what happens! ...

Well best of luck!

Given the weirdness around sexuality in general in our culture, to be 20 and be confused is par for the course. Personally, I strongly advise guys your age to not even THINK in terms of "relationships" just yet. Dating, yes. You can date whomever you want. Dating does not necessarily mean sleeping together. It just means you get together, do something you both enjoy, maybe make out (or not) and have fun. A guy like your friend could be dating guys as well as girls. I advise that young people NOT put all their 'eggs' in one basket too quickly. We may feel very drawn to someone, even have a hard crush on them, but that does NOT mean they're RIGHT for us. Only time and experience can tell.

Beyond dating is going steady. THAT is a commitment to not date anyone but each other. It's at this point you can begin to think about relationship building.

The general rule here is don't invest more psychic or emotional energy into the relationship than your partner invests back. Otherwise it gets unbalanced and you, or both of you, end up getting hurt. If that lasts and the interest and commitment grows, then you're on your way.

Good luck!