OK, I admit it, I'm depressed.

[MikeW]

Nothing to be embarrassed about... I definitely have issues with depression, not all the time and like you distractions help. I think we are more prone to be depressed if we have too much downtime but not always that simple either. I know exactly what you mean by feeling like you want sympathy but don't want sympathy.

I hate admitting my faults, when I cave in on a old bad habit...things that should have been long behind me. I feel that I possess the knowledge but lack the wisdom and sometimes the strength to I guess move on with things in my life. I mean I'm 30, live at home, people I went to school with are finished with college, married, have kids...they have a nice life... I feel that I can't get my shit figured out and feel like I'm acting like a teenager or can't find the sense of purpose.

The thing that gets me depressed is thinking too much about these and other things. Thinking is what gets me down when I realize the reality of what my life is and has been up to this point. I very much want to get on with things but I always have to wait, whether it is a relationship, moving out, career...paying off debt, etc.

I guess the big question is what is making feel depressed?

A lot of what you said is true for me. The big difference is I'm nearly 40 years older than you are and I've had and lost many of the things you strive for. Moreover, I'm NOT aging gracefully but I *am* aging. I don't like getting old one bit.

Life can take a dump on us sometimes.

I'd love to give you a big ole hug, or take you out to some hilarious movie,,, but I'm too far away.

Best Wishes,
Jimerooo

Thanks, Jim... Hilarious movie? Oh dear. I swear the funniest movie I ever saw was Barbara Strisand's "Up The Sand Box." Although I doubt that many people living today would find it the least bit, hmmm.... intersgint let alone humorous.

But here's a clip:




Unfortunately, they've blurred out the best part, where Fidel rips open his shirt to reveal her mammys.

Three points.

I. [From my Mother, so you had better listen carefully, understand?] Do something for someone else.
II. Exercise.
III. If it doesn't lift in a reasonable time, get some professional help. What that might be for someone living Berkeley, you will know better than I, but do it.

OK, a bonus point. You are too good a man to give in to this. Work hard. PM if you decide you DO want to talk. As you may have guessed, we care around here.

Thanks. Just FYI depression isn't something I don't know about. I've lived with it most of my life. Especially as a child, adolescent and young adult. Years of therapy helped me deal with it. Now I'm on a steady dose of one antidepresant which usualy keeps me leveled out. But once in a while I just go DOWN... right now happens to be one of those times.

Sorry you are feeling that way, [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]. Could the holidays or the time of year have anything to do with it? Some people feel depressed around the holidays and some people experience seasonal affective disorder around the winter solstice. Those things will pass. I hope you feel happier soon. PM me if I can help.

Yes. I'm not a fan of the holidays. I have no family and at this particular period of my life, no close real-life friends, either. And, yes, not getting enough sunlight in the day is a huge part of it. I *hate* cold weather (not that it gets THAT cold here, relatively speaking... I'm spoiled). Thanks.

Good on you for admitting it Mike, it's not always an easy thing to do especially with all the stigma attached to depression.

This is the first step towards working out where you will go from here, talking to your GP may be a good starting point.

Oh, he knows all about it. Like I say, I have a prescription. Its just a culmination of things, time of year, weather, shortness of the days, feeling sick, having not worked out for several weeks due to being sick, feeling lonely, etc., etc.

Have a drink, I find that turning to alcohol always solves my problems lol But seriously we all have ups and downs in a few days you'll be on top of the world. My advice get a good meal, a hot shower, some rest, and get some work done around the house. Tackling your to do list will take your mind off of your sadness plus you get some stuff done.

LOL... well... I'm not much of an alcohol guy. I don't even drink beer or wine. Don't like the taste. If I *am* going to drink, it's usually hard liquor. But mostly I'm a cannabis dude; that's been my drug of choice since I was 18yo. Half a century ago. Recently I've been experimenting with Kratom. Not quite sure what I think of it yet. Subtle. Different.

Mike I think posting here was the best thing you could do, even just to at least vent how you're feeling. We're all supportive here and I think it's easier to discuss with us than the 'outside world' for want of a better phrase. I know that the stigma around depression is being chippped away but I think people still find it hard to tell others because unless you have visible wounds, there's that feeling people just think you're just making it up or they'll think you're just having a bad day.

From personal experience all I can say is the best remedy is: time. I'm sorry, it's not the best thing you want to read when you feel like you do but there's no quick fix (keep reading though because there is a happy ending!!!). You just have to weather the storm until things get better. You probably won't feel them getting better, it'll just happen in the background until that one day you suddenly realise you're having a good day, or you feel happy etc. However, there are things you can do to help speed up the recovery process, or make things easier for you.

1) Break routine. I know you say you can distract yourself by doing things like laundry or watching Netflix, but why not try doing something new ? Especially if it involves talking to people or getting out of the house. I know it can be hard to drum up the enthusiasm when you feel this but I found the worst thing I could do was stay at home. Short-term, staying at home feels safe and secure and you don't feel like talking to people or seeing people when you feel like this, but it's one of those cases where you have to force your body to do it. A few years ago I had to give up my job due to health reasons. I was stuck at home, my mind ticking over and feeling alone and down. The big part of me wanted to STAY like this and not get another job which sounds crazy now, but I just couldn't bear the thought of seeing people. However after a couple of months I just had one of those moments where I knew I had to make a change (and also earn money) so I got a job at a friend's place and very quickly discovered that meeting new people, making new friends, the busy environment and doing something new were making me myself again.. At home I was alone with myself which wasn't the best company. I'm not telling you to get a job, I am saying that anything you can find that gets you out of the bubble you may have created and talking to others will probably help.

2) What [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] said. One of my biggest triggers is the weather/change in seasons. Is there a reason I've left 90% of my previous jobs in October/November? Probably. Again, this is a time thing and you just have to bear with it. You can get all kinds of fancy lighting and stuff now to help but for me I just need the next day of sunshine.
There's also something that happened when I was younger this time of year that has always and will always affect Christmas for me. I don't get joy from it anymore. BUT as [MENTION=20933]LJay[/MENTION] / his mother says: I've turned that around by making it all about the people I know. I try to give them things/make Christmas as amazing as possible for them and THAT makes me happy. I'm not just talking gifts either which brings me onto:

3) A problem shared. As I've said, sharing here is a great way to let out how you feel. Is there anyone on the outside world you can talk to as well? I have a really good friend and she's gone through some s**t. Every time we meet up she'll ask how I'm doing and I'll share my problems - then I'll ask how she is and something will ALWAYS have happened to her that's worse. I don't mean that she tries to outdo me or is a drama queen, this girl is one of the kindest, loveliest people you could ever hope to meet but horrible things always seem to happen to her. So I'll then try and give her advice and despite everything going on we'll end up laughing about it all because you just couldn't make it up. And you really need to try and find those moments to laugh, even if it's at how s**t things can be. Laughter really is the best medicine.

4) Know it ends. I've had about three patches of depression in my life now. Most people won't even know I'm depressed because I don't want them to see it. I don't want them to think "whys he on a downer" which I'm sure they wouldn't but.. Well you know. Anyway the first time was the hardest because I didn't think there would be an end. I went to the doctors and they gave me tablets but I don't think they did anything. What did help was the doctor herself looking me dead in the eyes and saying "Listen. You WILL get out of this." She sounded so certain that it just gave me a spark of hope that I needed. Her voice went against everything I was telling myself.. When I reached that first month of being happy and content with life again I could look back and think "wow.. was that me?". However like I said, I had it flare up again twice more. BUT, now each time I knew I would get better, I knew it would come to an end at some point and that helped me through it rather than feeling despair. And from getting through it I now know what what made it easier to get through and that there was no magic switch that instantly turned it off, it was just bearing with it until that one day when you realise "I'm happy". Just tell yourself you will get through this, which you will.

I hope this helps.

Well getting attention from a handsome young man ALWAYS helps! hehehe Yes, I've been around this issue long enough to know pretty much all that. Indeed it *does* usually end. Although not always as quickly as I'd like. Sometimes it hangs on for months. A few years ago, just before I joined this forum, I'd gone through a bad time that had been hanging on for about a year.

The hard part for me is the older I get, the less desirable I feel, and the more certain I become that I'm going to spend the rest of my days isolated and alone.

Sorry to hear that [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION]
Keep swimming and don't let the negative thoughts occupy your mind. Merry christmas ����

haha... thanks Cuddly

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time, man. I hope it eases up for you soon.

Thanks, TwisttheLeaf. No doubt, as they say, this too shall pass. :\

[Confuzzled4]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] I don't have the same issues that you do, but I have absolutely been there with the depression, it's what led me to join this forum because my former best friend was pushing me over the edge. From my own experience, I've learned that absolutely nothing is certain in life, and I try to appreciate every day that I get now. I needed medical intervention to help heal, otherwise I would have taken my own life. I don't feel shame talking about it because I think it can help others to know there's help. I certainly hope your situation now is not one where you consider any form of self harm or neglect, never let it get to that point. You have all the support in the world from here, but if you need it don't be ashamed to see a therapist or even a psychiatrist. Sometimes you need to seek out the best resources for help. Maybe you don't need those things, but never consider them silly options. Happiness can be found and maintained at any stage of life, and it makes all the difference.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] yeah you're about 38 years older than I am and while that is true I mean you're doing a lot of things that a lot of guys your age don't do or can't do...you're taking good care of yourself, lifting weights, staying active...

The winter time sucks, days are short, it's usually daybreak when I go into work and getting dark by the time I go home, so there's no going outside and enjoying things...unless you like it dark.

I wondered if I might have seasonal affect disorder seeing that I often do get depressed in the winter months...and by spring I always feel better... Perhaps I should go to Florida.

One thing that I can say that worked for me was to try something different, do something you normally wouldn't do, perhaps getting you a little outside of your comfort zone... at any rate you need to chase aware boredom.

[TigerLover]

Hey man. Nearly every time I read your posts they're either insightful or highly entertaining. Now I can't speak for the rest of the site but I for one respect the hell out of you.

I'm no good at comforting people I usually fall back on patting and awwww sounds. However I am a veteran of my own victorious battles against depression. So here are three things that helped me.

1. Thoughts of a suicide by Alfred Lord Tennyson. I suggest the Audio version on youtube.

2. Make a list of activities you enjoy. Some you may be unable to enjoy now, but you should have at least one. Make sure you take plenty of time for those pleasurable activities. Especially after tasks you find depressing. If you gotta file your taxes then go for a swim right after.

3. Realise that thoughts and emotions are inextricably linked and that by controling one you can gain limited control over the other.
One exercise is to sit down with a paper and pen, prefferably at night and just let yourself think. (don't distract yourself) Then write down all the lousy thoughts as they run through your head. When you're feeling better re-read them and find logical flaws in those thoughts.
I know that sounds goofy but it really helped me. By doing that you can shape your subconscious to automatically reject those dark thoughts in the future.

Of course everyone is different and these might not work as well for you as they did for me. But do give them a try, ya never know.

[drobs]

Hugs sent from Djibouti.

[kindy64]

Not much to say, you've been through it, I've been through it. You know it gets dark before the dawn.

[Barbry3227]

Wishing I knew you better...so I could somehow help...life...well most of the time it sucks...I know how it feels to be depressed...but you have already taken the first step...you reached out to people and talked about it....does talking make it better? Eh...50/50 shot...but knowing that people are here to listen...that can help tremendously ...I'm bipolar...so I know the feeling of dwelling on something...not being able to get it out of your head...but we are here for you...and I'm sending all my love your way..

[Bookworm]

I don't even know that I want to talk about it. Do you understand how that is? You feel a certain way, a not good way, and you feel like you want sympathy or something... that maybe you want or even need to talk about it... but then again you feel so far down, so unpleasant, so unhappy with yourself and your life as it is, that you just DO NOT want to talk about it. It like I don't want sympathy, what I want is for this feeling, this uggy feeling, to just GO AWAY. I don't like feeling like this and I just want it to stop. But I also know I'm caught in it. Stuck in it. Yeah, sure, I can distract myself from it, do my laundry (which I'm actually going to do in a couple minutes), watch something on Netflix, start a thread on GS or w/e, but right now it just feels like whatever I do or don't do, it is NOT going to go away. No matter what I do or what I say or what anyone else does or says this 'depression' thing has got me and it ain't letting go.
I'm just not happy and that is that.
I'm even embarrassed to post such a topic. But its how I feel.

I missed this thread initially, sorry Mike.

Firstly, you needn't be embarrassed posting about this. God knows, you've been there for so many people here on the forum, we could fill a large tome of your words of wisdom and advice.

There are many here that can really relate to how you are feeling, as I can see reading through the responses, and it's never easy to know what to say, as there could be many different triggers that have set off your state of mind and mood, some you may not even be aware of, but looking at the ones you've listed it sounds like an accumulation of factors that have snowballed on top of you.

I really wish there was a reset button we could press that snaps us out of these cycles, but they tend just to dissipate on their own much of the time. Throwing yourself into activities to take your mind off things can help but it's always there, lurking, I find.

For me, I find meditation helps me through it, trying as much as possible to focus on the positives of my life (even if I see none at the time) but that's just my personal crutch, I understand it's not everyone's cup of tea. We all need to find what works best for us in our own way.
I know you created this thread a couple of months ago so I'm hoping things have picked up for you. You can always pm me too; it's been ages since we chatted!

[MikeW]

Since this thread got kicked up by [MENTION=13244]Bookworm[/MENTION], I should take some time to follow up with you guys. Thanks to all of you who replied to this thread!

It's been over two months since I wrote the OP and in that time I've been through a lot of changes. I think a lot of what was going on when I wrote it was related to the Holidays. For the most part, I live a solitary life; and for the most part that is by choice.

That said, one of the things that happened not long after I posted this, a few days after Christmas, was a sexual encounter with a 21-year-old virgin. For those who don't know, except for a rare encounter like this, for the most part, I've been celibate since 2001. As usual, too, this was initiated by the other guy. Yeah, I have an app but I never use it to connect with anyone. I'm just sort of 'there'. So out of the blue, this guy contacts me and one thing leads to another and the next thing I know I'm having a double-shot all-nighter with one of the most erotic and awesomely sensitive men I've ever met in my life. (And if that isn't a cure for depression, IDK what is! o.0)

Although that turned out to be a one-time only thing, nevertheless it sort of opened me up to getting myself more "out there". He and I have become platonic friends but I've kept on looking and being a bit more 'aggressive' about it.

Well... that's led to several more encounters with men ranging from as young as 22 to as old as 47. One of them, 42, has taken me 'under his wing' so to say and has been showing me all kinds of things related to using apps and other 'social media' for connecting with guys. ....

SO... although it has been building up over the past year or so... at almost 70 I've moved into a whole new world of experiences. I've never been a particularly 'promiscuous' gay man. Most of my sexual experiences have been in the context of a relationship. (There have been exceptions of course... but they always were the exception, not the rule.)

IDK what more to say about this... I'm not sure how it is related to the OP (if at all, really). But it does explain why I'm not here on the forum as much as I once was. I've been preoccupied getting to know guys, some of whom are potential 'hookups' or more.

I've already found myself in two long distance cyber 'romances' ... which are very strange but interesting. This is probably not anything new for younger men used to 'social media' mixing... its a whole new thing for me. I've found myself very involved with two guys in particular, one in Thailand and the other in Brazil. (LOL... they even know about one another and occasionally have text conversations about ME!! :eek: ) We're playing with an on-going fantasy of all ending up in Thailand (much cheaper to live there than here, that's for sure LOL!)

So... all just to say... yes the depression has passed for now. No surprise. Like I said, I've lived through these bouts all my life... the worst being my childhood, teens and early 20s.

I appreciate the concern and support you've all shown here. This is a great community and valuable resource to a lot of guys. So ... I hope you guys keep it up. Lord knows this kind of thing is needed!

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] I don't have the same issues that you do, but I have absolutely been there with the depression...

I know I'm not alone in this, thank you. I think its fairly common among a lot of gay men.

Well [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] yeah you're about 38 years older than I am and while that is true I mean you're doing a lot of things that a lot of guys your age don't do or can't do...you're taking good care of yourself, lifting weights, staying active... ...

Those are excelent suggestions, especially writing out the thoughts and looking at them a bit more objectively, thank you.

Hugs sent from Djibouti.

Thanks drobs!

Not much to say, you've been through it, I've been through it. You know it gets dark before the dawn....

Well, the sun is up!

Wishing I knew you better...so I could somehow help...life...well most of the time it sucks....

Yes and no. I've been around long enough and dealt with depression (and social anxiety to some extent) long enough to know that it isn't "life" exactly that sucks. Life just is what it is... the rest of it is what we make of it. It took me a VERY long time, decades, to really begin to grasp that. It wasn't until I began to experience simple joys, talking to squirrels on my long hikes in the Berkeley hills, for example, that I began to fully understand it. On one hand, I've had to accept myself as I am. I'm not exactly a 'happy go lucky' extrovert. On the contrary, I tend to be moody and introverted much of the time. That's all just me. On the other hand, I've had to work at not taking my own inner conundrums TOO seriously, overly seriously. They come, they go. Most of the time I'm fairly clear within myself that whatever I'm feeling (positive or negative) is, well, just a passing feeling soon to be replaced by another. The challenge is to stay open to changing inside out. This is a peculiar idea. We tend to think that it is things outside ourselves that lead us to change. I'm of the opinion that a TRUE change comes from within one's self. That, however we are (whether we like how we are at any given moment in time or not), is a consequence of our personality having had to adapt to our circumstances as infants and children. Now, being adults, we have options we didn't have then; possibilities we didn't have then. So... learning that from the inside out, letting my awareness lead me to a deeper, inner change so that, for example, I become more open to new experiences. Life is a process of growing and sometimes growth is painful. Ultimately, though, it is a necessity for real change.

I missed this thread initially, sorry Mike.

Firstly, you needn't be embarrassed posting about this. God knows, you've been there for so many people here on the forum, we could fill a large tome of your words of wisdom and advice.....

Thank you. Yeah... And when I'm not here, that doesn't mean I've stopped engaging in the way I do here. THIS is a kind of avocation. I do it daily with guys all over the world. There are several in particular that I met right here on this forum. They no longer participate but I exchange with them on a regular basis. There are others as well that I've come across through one means or another. I do try and check in here once or twice a week. This is a remarkable forum in many ways.

Thanks, all!

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] I do agree most of my worst depression was not all that long ago, it does get better but I can't quite relate to your experiences. I have too much anxiety to put myself out there and I don't care for cybersex or things like chaturbate (although I do like to watch ;P).

I think since I started eating some vitamin D gummies and multi-vitamins and a few other things I have become less depressed and warmer weather, being outside more helps too...

Only thing I can say is knowledge is one thing, wisdom is another...understanding is the key. Others tend to say I give good advice and I might agree to that to an extent, do I practice what I preach, seldom that I do. People can tell me how to build a 1966 Mustang step by step, but if I don't know how to use a torque wrench it won't be any easier than figuring it all out on my own....sort of I guess that's what I'm trying to say.