How to respond?

[Anonymous]

So I vented on another thread https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=41753

So, I'm attempting to communicate with my fiance. Here's the conversation I just had over text:

me: I'm sorry I suck at communication. Those weeks you were working / staying in ____ really set me back. And the way things have been since hasn't helped.

him: They shouldn't have set you back? Miss me yes that's fine but shouldn't effect your mental. And things have been the way they have been because you haven't put in any effort. it wouldn't be as strained.

******

I am absolutely dumbfounded at the moment...

Feels like he is saying "You shouldn't feel that way, and it's all my fault."

[InbetweenDreams]

Well you might be right in thinking that but why?

Does sound a bit cold though...

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'm going to respond right now. Might as well wait till I get home to open this can of worms. Phone calls and texts have never been a favorite of mine.

Of course, in person, he's always saying I come across mean and angry.

Wrote down my feelings in a letter a year and a half ago, and he didn't respond well to that either.

[InbetweenDreams]

What does he respond well to? and yeah I probably wouldn't respond and wait until the two of you can talk face to face.

Do you come off as mean and angry? and why do you think he says that?

[Anonymous]

I really don't know. He never says anything at the time, like don't be mean, or you sound mean, or anything.

[Anonymous]

This offers some insight into why I probably am the way I am. the part in bold describes my emotional state to a T.

We were quite a typical "stoic new england" family. Mom and dad were both emotionally shut off, arguments being the main exception.

https://eqi.org/invalid.htm

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.) (Reference)

***

People with high IQ and low EQ tend to use logic to address emotional issues. They may say, "You are not being rational. There is no reason for you to feel the way you do. Let's look at the facts." Businesses, for example, and "professionals" are traditionally out of balance towards logic at the expense of emotions. This tends to alienate people and diminish their potential.

Actually, all emotions do have a basis in reality, and feelings are facts, fleeting though they may be. But trying to dress an emotional wound, with logic tends to either confuse, sadden or infuriate a person. Or it may eventually isolate them from their feelings, with a resulting loss of major part of their natural intelligence.

[deephiance]

people usually don't say things without a reason for saying them. Rather than figure out what he means, find out why he said it.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well can't expect you to change fundamentally. I would venture to think you weren't any different years ago. I don't think it would hurt to try to show a little emotion. I can relate a little bit. My dad, very dry...unless he gets angry and when we were kids that was pretty much all the time. My mom, emotional as can be, cry when she's upset, laugh her off when something is funny all while my dad might just grunt or whatever...

So me I guess I was more expect to be a "man" and for a long time and still pretty much do hide emotion...to a point, I am definitely not my dad (praise the lort) and I am finding that expressing your feelings in different ways is a good thing....not easy to change. Don't expect yourself to change fundamentally, but might be something that would help to try here and there...

That all being said, it desfinitely is apparent that your fiance holds some of the blame, maybe more or less than you make it out to be but sounds like he's not doing much for putting effort into things either....and yeah I don't think relationships work well when you feel that you're forced to make things good. I mean it's one thing to make a sacrifice here and there but it shouldn't be trying. Then again what do I know, you're talking to someone who has been single for I guess 8 years, minus a few guys I dated for a couple months...and then that wasn't exactly pretty... So this is probably all imagination-land...