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Cheati
#1
Hi there,

I've joined the site only with the intention to create this post, so i'm hoping to get opinions from other people as my head is spinning and i feel like i'm going crazy. I'd appreciate anyone taking the time to read my post:

I've been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for around a year (started in April 2016). We are 14 years apart, me being younger (24). We had discussed that our relationship was to be monogamous and not open.

Towards the end of 2016, i noticed my partner started acting different towards me; he had lost his job and started a new job, which he hated. Our sex life was pretty much non-existent even though i tried to keep things intimate. I put it down to the fact that he was upset, possibly in a situation where he felt lost. He was not mean to me or abusive, i just felt distance between us.

We talked about the situation and how i felt a few times, and he assured me his difference was not to do with me, rather, just life in general. Being the person that i am, i accepted his advice because at the end of the day, it's his life and people deal with things in certain ways. I also laid off trying to be intimate until he was ready. I was their for support, but gave him his space.

However, in January this year, I received an anonymous message over Instagram from a clearly fake profile, advising me that my partner has been sending nude pictures to other guys. I bought this up to my partner and he denied it, claiming it would probably be his crazy ex trying to ruin our relationship. I believed him, but at the back of my mind, i had my doubts.

I started noticing little things, like that my partner was very protective of his phone; he would always put it away quickly when i ever i came over, or even when we had friends over he would not let them touch his phone. I found this weird. I also noticed that even though we weren't having any intimacy, he would be on tumblr quite often, re-blogging gay porn (i followed his tumblr page and allowed for notifications). I couldn't understand that if he really didn't have a sex drive why he would be watching porn.

My partner has been away for a few days and i was searching movies on my partners hard-drive; i happened to stumble across a picture, to which my curiosity was intrigued, so i clicked further. What came up, was all of his backed iPhone drives including pictures and videos. I found multiple pictures and videos of himself masturbating, which he had never sent to me. Believing that it was all taken before we were together, i checked the time stamps, and they were all towards the end of 2016. Also, in sync with his own photos/videos time stamps, there were other guys penis pictures and videos, which to me, seemed as if they have been sending these back and forth to each other. Mind you, two of the guys i saw had added me on Facebook recently, which is really messed up. I tried to deny in my mind that he would do this to me, but other photos that were of us and events we attended, all had the correct time stamps. Now i also wonder the things that were said between the pictures and videos, you don't just send that stuff to another person without talking dirty !

The reason I only investigated further when i saw the picture, is because of a gut feeling i had in my stomach, you know when you just don't feel 'quite right', or that something feels 'out of place'? Now, since i found these pictures and videos, i feel like everything is now pieced together.

I now don't know how to bring this up to him, because i went through his folders which is a clear invasion of his privacy. But then i think, well if i didn't feel the way i did, i would of had no reason to snoop. Although, I do feel heart broken and betrayed, considering he really didn't seem like the kind of guy who would do this. The fact he lied when he said he had not been sending guys any pictures, just makes feel like i can never trust him again.

I love him and wan't to be with him, and i wan't to hear his reasons as to why he did this.

What do you think? Should I hear him out or break up? How should i approach this when he returns?
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#2
Hi from what I have read and the videos and pictures you saw it seems like he is cheating. When he comes back you should talk to him. It's not fair that you should suffer like this. You don't deserve to be cheated like this.
An eye for an eye
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#3
If you have seen those videos and photos, can you get a common traits of those guys he has been contacting?

Besides, how is the financial situation between you two? If you live together, do you share the living expenses? How is his recent job change affecting this?

Frankly there are so many possibilities which IMO, knowing more info would help decide what to do next, as obviously it seems that he doesn't want a direct talk at the moment.
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#4
I feel bad about what happened to you.
I suggest you should move on. It puts you in torment when there is no trust.
It's not necessary to tell him you've found those pictures and videos. You could just say you two are not compatible anymore. You can never know the real reason of people cheating. Why not just leave without making extra argument and hatre.
You deserve better. I know it's very difficult to part especially in the first few months. I'm sure you can overcome it.
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#5
That's fucked up, I'm sorry you are in that position, you would think that and almost 40 year old would be a little bit more adult in this relationship.

You have trusted your gut up to now, so why stop now?

I know you said you love him and want it to work out, but trust your gut and you will be your best advisor.
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#6
I'm the one to tell you that internet interactions with some anonymous people is not a big thing, and I don't see it as cheating.

BUT, if a guy does something like that, he should have no problem asking his partner if he's okay with it (which is only a decent and respectful thing to do when you're in a relationship with someone. And if the partner is not okay, there should also be no problem quitting it); not hiding it (if there's no cause to worry, there's also no reason to hide it).

AND it isn't a problem only if the sex life between you is okay. Seeing as he's not having sex with you, but is exchanging erotic content with some strangers on the internet, that is not an acceptable status quo.
''Do I look civilized to you?''
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#7
Have gone through this same situation and at this point know that he HAS and WILL in the future cheat on you. Once the seal of trust has been removed this is nothing but a dead relationship. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, MOVE ON NOW!!!
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#8
Maybe a monogamous relationship wasn't what he really wanted. Talk to him.
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