Hi there

[Cridders88]

Welcome to the forum Baristajedi, and thankyou for sharing your story. I am glad you are finding yourself and are being true to yourself now . Enjoy it here, and see you around .

[trywait]

e komo mai!



to gs!

[baristajedi]

Thank you all for all the welcomes coming back to answer questions in a sec...

[baristajedi]

Hi, baristajedi. Thanks a lot for sharing with us. It seems that you've been through a lot. Glad that you made it through! May I ask, after divorce, whether you want to start a relationship with a woman? Do you mind being called "lesbian" instead of "gay woman"? Do you find these two terms different to you? I know little about gay women expect for a book I read a while ago, in which it focuses on "female masculinity" with a close examination on "tomboy" and "butch". Are these two offenvie to you? What term would you identify yourself with? Or maybe you don't want to be confined by any term?

I have too many questions. I am indeed a Mr. Curiosity.

This is what I tried to post yesterday but got moderated...


Happy to share. Thanks for listening (reading)!

Yes, I've always known on some level that I want a wife… that's what I've been dreaming of for quite some time. The first time I remember having that thought was around the age of 22, at my stepbrother's wedding. And I tried to open up a conversation with my brother about it… but I wasn't articulating it very well.

I am dating someone right now, who I'm starting to feel quite serious about. She's such an amazing woman, everything I've always wanted in a partner. So… I'll update on that as time passes

I don't mind being called lesbian, I use every term - lesbian, gay, I even say dyke (I reclaim that word , because to me it was the word that hurt the most growing up, I've been called dyke a lot in my life because of the way I dress and cut my hair).

I did have some trouble with the word lesbian for a while, I liked gay better, mostly because I've had some struggle understanding my gender all of my life. I've always been a tomboy, and now look and feel quite butch. Something about the word lesbian didn't feel quite as natural to me as gay, but now I'm happy with any term. And I'm also finally feeling quite at home with my gender. I love being a woman, but I dress in butch clothes, have butch hair, and that's just me.

In terms of labels, honestly, I love labels. I know a lot of people don’t like labels, but I find they help ground me, give me something secure to hold onto. When I started coming out, everything about my life was uncertain, I didn't even have family or friends around. Nothing to anchor me. But having a term to identify myself helped ground me and give me something to anchor myself. Even with nothing left to make me feel stable and secure, I have *me*, my identity, and so it has made me feel stronger to use labels.

What about you? Do you have any preference on terms or labels?

[baristajedi]

Thanks for sharing. A follow-up question please: when you came out as gay to your husband and he responded with anger, were you understanding of that?

Yes, I was, for a long time.

But, there were also some things I felt anger about with him. He wasn't very supportive or communicative, never tried to do an equal part in housework or with our daughter. I begged him for years to work on our relationship, he could see I was in pain and not happy; and it angered me that he thought our marriage was "great" and I was "destroying everything", so my patience wore thin after a while.

Also, he was very invalidating about me coming out. I know that was out of pain and hurt and denial so i tried to be understanding about that as well, but it took a toll on me and I also lost patience after time passed.


I was very aware of how much pain i brought on him and I made mistakes in how I dealt with his responses, and I also did some things with a good deal of compassion. It was a mix of right and wrong I suppose.

[Alvin]

This is what I tried to post yesterday but got moderated...


Happy to share. Thanks for listening (reading)!

Yes, I've always known on some level that I want a wife… that's what I've been dreaming of for quite some time. The first time I remember having that thought was around the age of 22, at my stepbrother's wedding. And I tried to open up a conversation with my brother about it… but I wasn't articulating it very well.

I am dating someone right now, who I'm starting to feel quite serious about. She's such an amazing woman, everything I've always wanted in a partner. So… I'll update on that as time passes

I don't mind being called lesbian, I use every term - lesbian, gay, I even say dyke (I reclaim that word , because to me it was the word that hurt the most growing up, I've been called dyke a lot in my life because of the way I dress and cut my hair).

I did have some trouble with the word lesbian for a while, I liked gay better, mostly because I've had some struggle understanding my gender all of my life. I've always been a tomboy, and now look and feel quite butch. Something about the word lesbian didn't feel quite as natural to me as gay, but now I'm happy with any term. And I'm also finally feeling quite at home with my gender. I love being a woman, but I dress in butch clothes, have butch hair, and that's just me.

In terms of labels, honestly, I love labels. I know a lot of people don’t like labels, but I find they help ground me, give me something secure to hold onto. When I started coming out, everything about my life was uncertain, I didn't even have family or friends around. Nothing to anchor me. But having a term to identify myself helped ground me and give me something to anchor myself. Even with nothing left to make me feel stable and secure, I have *me*, my identity, and so it has made me feel stronger to use labels.

What about you? Do you have any preference on terms or labels?

Hi, glad to hear from you again.

How do you feel about being together with a woman? Is it to some extent different from being together with a man? I think the struggle of understanding gender is what most of us might have experienced along our way to maturity. Now I believe, from reading, that gender is by no means natural, but naturalized. The society overall tries to make us internalized with the false combination of "femininity=female" and "masculinity=male".

I am ok with labels. I identify myself with the term "gay" since I am both sexually and romantically attracted to men. However, on second thought, I have this friend (a girl), whom I enjoy being with a lot, and I assume it won't be a big problem for me to be with her without any intimacy (no cuddling, no kissing, no sex, only talking, cooking, and watching movies). That makes me think it may be true that sexual attraction and romantic attraction can be decoupled. That being said, it may also be nothing more than false perception as I have never been with her long enough to see if this works. Maybe I just enjoy talking, cooking, and watching movies with her. In a nutshell, I think I am gay, and I hope that I made myself clear despite the subtleties.

It happens to be that one of my thesis supervisors is also a lesbian, and she has her butch hair dyed ginger, which is super cool. Have you dyed your hair? Do you know Ellen Degeneres? She is also a lesbian with butch hair. Do you like her?

Alvin

[Cuddly]

Ok then maybe I'll stick around happy to share... what do you dudes want to know?

I'd like to know why there are so few women here.

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad things are going well. I'd like to hear more about your coming out and the break up. But you've already explained that. Oops.

[baristajedi]

Hi, glad to hear from you again.

How do you feel about being together with a woman? Is it to some extent different from being together with a man? I think the struggle of understanding gender is what most of us might have experienced along our way to maturity. Now I believe, from reading, that gender is by no means natural, but naturalized. The society overall tries to make us internalized with the false combination of "femininity=female" and "masculinity=male".

I am ok with labels. I identify myself with the term "gay" since I am both sexually and romantically attracted to men. However, on second thought, I have this friend (a girl), whom I enjoy being with a lot, and I assume it won't be a big problem for me to be with her without any intimacy (no cuddling, no kissing, no sex, only talking, cooking, and watching movies). That makes me think it may be true that sexual attraction and romantic attraction can be decoupled. That being said, it may also be nothing more than false perception as I have never been with her long enough to see if this works. Maybe I just enjoy talking, cooking, and watching movies with her. In a nutshell, I think I am gay, and I hope that I made myself clear despite the subtleties.

It happens to be that one of my thesis supervisors is also a lesbian, and she has her butch hair dyed ginger, which is super cool. Have you dyed your hair? Do you know Ellen Degeneres? She is also a lesbian with butch hair. Do you like her?

Alvin

Hi again

Being with a woman feels very different to me than being with a man. It feels more natural, complete...I have more desire, warmth, emotional pull, emotional openness. We communicate better, understand each other better, we're more honest. I feel we see and admire each other as more full people than I've felt with a male/female relationship. We admire each other's strength, see and appreciate each other's beauty in a more substantial way than men seem to with me in the past. Being with a man always felt like there were a lot of games as well.

I agree with what you say about gender....so much if it comes from the way culture tells us we should see gender. Do you feel on some level that you don't fit into society's definition of gender?

I think sexuality for some is fluid; perhaps you have some romantic feelings for this girl? Then again, maybe there is just a lot of emotional chemistry and intimacy, but no sexual interest. I say embrace it, just enjoy it

In terms of my appearance, I can add a pic, I don't mind (if I can figure out how to) - my hair is my natural colour. But I've dyed it many times!

I LOVE ellen

What celebrities do oh admire? Are there any gay male celebrities you identify with?



Gonna try for a pic.... maybe need to attach it as a file, not sure it will work...

[baristajedi]

I'd like to know why there are so few women here.

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad things are going well. I'd like to hear more about your coming out and the break up. But you've already explained that. Oops.

Hi thanks for the welcome.... if you have other questions I'm happy to share

[princealbertofb]

Hello, [MENTION=24452]baristajedi[/MENTION], and to GaySpeak.
Your story is quite complex, and I hope that you feel much better now that the truth is out. I hope your girlfriend and you will be able to bring up your daughter in a way that shows all sorts of sexualities and forms of romance exist. She may find it a little hard during her adolescence but with the right support around you, and her dad, hopefully, she'll be able to be the best person possible. I'm sure it's more important that her mother is living happily in a relationship that is stable.

Oh and, just so you don't feel you have no place here (which of course you have mile don't be put off by the few threads that are about mostly male beauty (it's not porn but well, you know, we like a good looking man). Feel free to start your own threads or contribute your photos if you are interested. Some here seem to think that it'll be a deterrent to people who don't know the site. Please stay and don't feel pushed aside by those threads, just ignore them.