My Therapist

[sillyboy86]

1st: Except few online communities (such as GaySpeak) and very few people in the gay 'scene' of London, here in Italy I'm in the closet. To everyone.

Almost a year ago (Yes, June 2016) my therapist, which used to be one of the best person in my life, tried to push me in the corner, gently, to analyze why I built a very strong wall to protect myself against LOVE.

During the last year I avoided the topic etc, but every now and again she's back with it. She knows me better than almost anyone else, even if I'm not out she understood that I'm not straight, cause I'm open minded and even if I'm not "feminine" (oh stereotypes), I don't have a over-masculine behavior, I embrace many sides of my personality, I'm a good listener, I care about people and their feelings etc, so in some way it's not so difficult to say that I can be queer.
So, today she was direct, she asked me about my orientation, and now she's quite sure I'm gay. She thinks I'm afraid of love or of my real identity, that my personality and emotional skills are wasted without a partner etc. Today she was very pushy.
Actually I'm a queer, a bi or something, I don't care, but this is not the problem.
Also she's sure, but she's not the only one suspecting of my sexuality/orientiation.

Since almost 2 years now (OMG) I'm thinking about coming out, and in some situations I had the input to say "I like that guy" to a friend or another.
Even if I live in a very small town, In a country with the Vatican etc, I'm not afraid of being a queer.

Now I've got 2 (or 3) problems:
1st one, I'm very reserved, I don't talk too much about me, about everything of me, even superficial things. Even if I'm very curious about others etc, I don't understand the need of knowing things about myself. So, something like this is my own business, I don't want to explain anything about it to anyone, as I don't like to explain some parts of my art, and other things about me. "U sure? Both man and women? How do realize it?" are not for me.
My family is open, my friends are mostly open, but even acting like super friendly this thing seems like an exotic thing. I hate staying in centre of attention.

So 2nd I also think that this would damage the doctor-patient relationship with my therapist. I'm very annoyed when we talk about it, cause she find this is a big problem to me, while I think it's not a problem at all, I've got real struggles, and my relationship with love or sexuality is not one of them.

3rd maybe it's not a real problem, but at the beginning of the topic I said 2 years blahblah. I don't know, but nothing changed, at least in the last year. Still in the closet, still want to go out of it but at the same time, still very reserved and maybe not ready? to answer (or even listen) all the questions.
Maybe I should come out to my therapist and she would help me about things. I'll see her in 3 weeks...

Any kind of suggestion?
Thanks for your patience anyway and sorry cause I'm prolix and I didn't used any cute emoticon. Here

[drobs]

If you cant be openly gay with your therapist what's the point of having one?

I spent some time in therapy. Dad died when I was 12, when I was 15ish - all those feeling of grief started coming out in the form of failing grades, depression, etc. Spent 6 months to a year with a psychologist / psychiatrist (I forget which) who immediately asked me if I was gay.

I was, but could not admit to myself that I was gay, much less him. That really shut me down during those counseling sessions.

I eventually went to counseling group for kids who were dealing with death and divorce through a large mega church in the Chicago area. That helped me more than 1 on 1 counseling and I was able to get through that grief with the help of others.

I didn't come out till I was in my early 20's and once again found myself in counseling - where I learned to love and accept myself - being gay.

So I guess my question is - what is your goal in therapy?

[LJay]

You could turn it around and tell her you feel she is pressuring you about your sexuality and that you feel it is a very private thing to you. Then ask her why it is important in therapy. If you have been working with her a while you should be able to have a conversation about this.

You could also consider that it is not so much a matter of coming out as it is dealing with an important part of you in the broader context of therapy.

If she becomes manipulative or judgmental then you might think about changing therapists.

[Confuzzled4]

To me it does sound like your love situation is bothering you and your avoiding it. You don't have to talk about it with your therapist if you don't want to, but it is the best place for you to talk about anything. It's your time with an impartial listener in a safe place. I have needed, and still do need, a therapist to destress and address my issues with love, though a much different case than what you speak of. I would suggest you say to her what your orientation is and just ask, why is this an important question? Generally speaking, love is a topic that impacts everybody and quite deeply.

[sillyboy86]

If you cant be openly gay with your therapist what's the point of having one?
...
So I guess my question is - what is your goal in therapy?

I don't know, maybe I'm ooking to have a decent life, or just to stay alive, if it's possible, even I can't believe it. I worked a lot oyself with her, for years, in the past, and my life had an improvement, so I must trust her (cause she also say that I still don't trust her as I don't really trust anybody).
Yeah, I'm asking to myself what's the point of this therapy now, but I know what I will do without it.

You could also consider that it is not so much a matter of coming out as it is dealing with an important part of you in the broader context of therapy.

I would suggest you say to her what your orientation is and just ask, why is this an important question? Generally speaking, love is a topic that impacts everybody and quite deeply.

Yeah, she also say this, that I'm a very affective person, that I care for others and they do trust me, and I need them even if I try to be -emotionally- very independent. This is an important part of the therapy, but I don't believe it.
Maybe I'm stuck to the past, thanks to her I did things that I wasn't able to do before, so I must put my life in her hands, but I'm not able to accept that.
I think that personality problems are way deeper than the "simple" love question.
So what's the point? I don't know, or maybe I just know it too well.

[drobs]

If it's benefiting you, keep going. Just understand at some point therapy should end. After a long while you're just paying someone to confide in. In an ideal relationship situation - a lover / partner should fill that role.

You might ask her what her goals are.

Note I can't imagine Italy is any different than the US, you should have a patient / counselor confidentiality clause in place. That confidentiality clause should allow you to be open about your sexuality with her.

If your not comfortable with her, it might be time to look for another therapist.

The clause doesn't cover anything illegal.

Just my thoughts.

[TigerLover]

"The thing about therapy is that you only get out what you put in."

-Every therapist ever.


You've got to open up, all the way up if you want to get the most out of it. After all you are paying her wages.

[Matt608]

Therapy is hard work. Often, the gains come slowly, there are usually no huge breakthroughs, no Aha! moments. What I'm hearing from you is that there's movement and progress, slow perhaps, but you're not standing still. And that's the point.

I don't know you of course, but from reading your posts here, your responses to people, I think that you're sensitive, insightful and have compassion and empathy for others. It may be that you're kinder to others than you are to yourself.

I get that you're a very private person, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, it's important to make a distinction between privacy and isolation. I'm not saying that we should all just put our business on the streets, but there needs to be at least one person we can confide in and be real with.

I understand that you don't want to be forced to answer a lot of tiresome questions about your orientation, but do you think that your therapist would ask things like that?

It sounds like she believes that the struggles and issues you originally brought to her are related to intimacy issues. She wants to delve into that topic, but you're resistant. I don't know what's true for you, but for myself, I find that the things I most need to deal with are the ones I run the fastest from.

I think your relationship with her is important in your life, and one that you should continue. And remember, you, me, all of us are simply works in progress. Things take time.