57 yr old man coming out to 77 yr old dad

[richhix56]

I am 57 and will be 58 in December. I am very positive my parents who are both in their mid 70's have known that from a early age I was different from other boys my age. I do remember my dad has always made derogatory comments. My mom it seems has always struggled to accepting it and in some form of denial. That is what I have seen from my own perspective. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5. My mom remarried rather quickly and that is a whole other ball of wax.

In my later 30's I came publicly out to my mom. She more or less told me I was going through a midlife crisis. That it was just a phrase. I have never in any form had a guy friend or same sex relationship of any sort. A big factor in that being that I always aligned with the charismatic beliefs. In my area even that denomination is very conservative in their viewpoints. I have even been through intense deliverance sessions as well as controlling homosexual thoughts. It has never went away bottom line. My mom and I have never discussed it again since that one time.

I came out to my sister just a couple of years ago. She said she always knew and advised me not to come out to my dad. Because of being on disability for a mental illness I have in most cases had to rely on my dad. He is wealthy and own rental houses in the town where we live. I am currently living in one of his houses.

In the last several days I have met a guy online he is my age and lives 100 miles from here. Things are going well and we have really hit it off and have chatted and talked on the phone. If things progress from here then its looks like at some point it could develop into a relationship. I hope it goes that way.

I know my dad well enough to know he is very prejudice and have made many derogatory comments about gays and blacks. It just seems like a no win situation for me especially. My relationship with both of my parents has always been on rocky territory. My mom has never offered any type of support of any kind since I left home at 19. She has always seemed to in no certain terms turned me away and told me to go to my dad and I have.

I have never had any type of privacy living in this town especially in his rentals. He and my brother come over whenever and they do not call ahead of time. They do knock on the door, it is not like they open the door. I never have any company other than them. I really do not want to drag any guy who is openly gay into a discreet relationship. It would not be fair to him. I do not want that for myself as well.

I apologize for opening up about my very convoluted drama. I love to write so it has always been very cathartic for me to convey my thoughts out in the open to make some rational sense out of them. How in the world do I approach my dad and come out publicly to him? There is a big possibility he will publicly shun me. I do not know if he would go to the extent of even taking my out of his will if that is even legally impossible. To be honest I could care less about his money or inheritance.

if the thing with this guy I met online develops like I think it will and I do move where he lives and for some reason it doesn't work out at some point in the future I would have no other place to go. As you can see there is a lot of things to think about and weigh out and consider at this point. I know some of you who read this will probably tell me I way overthink this situation. My thoughts about this do seem to be extreme.

If you reading this could offer any advice on how to deal with all this please feel free to be honest with me. I want to hear what others have to say and go from there.

[CellarDweller]

Hello Rich,

I'm not sure what your mental illness is, and I'm not asking.  It's not my business, nor anyone else's.  However, you state because of this, you are dependent on your father.  When younger people have asked me for advice on coming out, I've always told them that they should not come out until they are capable of living 100% on their own.  That way, if things go badly, and you are told to leave, you know you can support yourself instead of being at the mercy of others or the street.  From what you've said about your father, he does not seem to be the open-minded type.  

As for this man you are speaking with, you need to BE VERY CAREFUL!!!   I say this for two reasons.  The first is that people on dating sites and such can be liars, users, and scammers.  Second, you've said in your post that you've never had any sort of same -sex relationship.  Obviously, this is something you want badly.  I can tell because you are already talking about a possible future, but you've only known each other for a week, and you've never met face-to-face.  Add to that situation that he lives 100 miles away, and if you were to meet somewhere, it would be away from everyone you know, there are possible red flags flying.

The first thing you need to do is Google search for a gay therapist.  I saw one back in the day, and it was a great thing for me.  You have been carrying this stress for a while, and you need to talk with someone who will not only advise you on these matters, but someone who can understand how you are feeling, and a gay therapist will get you on this experience.

The last thing you need to be doing right now is cultivating a relationship.  You need to get yourself into a better headspace, and then get your finances in order.  If you truly want to come out to your father, you need to be prepared to possibly move out of the area after you do so.

[ChadCoxRox]

I apologize for opening up about my very convoluted drama. I love to write so it has always been very cathartic for me to convey my thoughts out in the open to make some rational sense out of them. How in the world do I approach my dad and come out publicly to him? There is a big possibility he will publicly shun me. I do not know if he would go to the extent of even taking my out of his will if that is even legally impossible. To be honest I could care less about his money or inheritance.
...
If you reading this could offer any advice on how to deal with all this please feel free to be honest with me. I want to hear what others have to say and go from there.

So you've learned the catharsis of writing your thoughts which highly implicates you've done it before with others. Have you received feedback before that you liked? What about disliked? Do you have any pattern of ignoring or denying sound advice or following planned strategies toward meaningful answers?

I do benefits counseling for SSI/DI along with lots of other related matters. I'm willing to discuss to the degree it becomes apparent you need more guidance than a casual forum.

[Camfer]

One thing I've seen over the years is that when people finally come to terms with their gayness, they're like teenagers all over again. They have all kinds of thoughts and are tempted to act out in new ways as they begin to explore how they're going to be with this new truth of who they are. It doesn't matter that you're in your 50s. In way, you're like an 18-year old. That's good, but take things really slowly and remind yourself that you're in a new world now. Again, take things very slowly. You should be careful because there's a certain naivete that new gays have, and it's important not to make rash decisions or get taken advantage of. The decision to come out to your father or moving to a new town are really big decisions. Maybe having a closeted gay platonic friend would be a great next step? The online gay world is a very strange place and all is not as it appears. I wish you well!

[richhix56]

I apologize for opening up about my very convoluted drama. I love to write so it has always been very cathartic for me to convey my thoughts out in the open to make some rational sense out of them. How in the world do I approach my dad and come out publicly to him? There is a big possibility he will publicly shun me. I do not know if he would go to the extent of even taking my out of his will if that is even legally impossible. To be honest I could care less about his money or inheritance.
...
If you reading this could offer any advice on how to deal with all this please feel free to be honest with me. I want to hear what others have to say and go from there.

So you've learned the catharsis of writing your thoughts which highly implicates you've done it before with others. Have you received feedback before that you liked? What about disliked? Do you have any pattern of ignoring or denying sound advice or following planned strategies toward meaningful answers?

I do benefits counseling for SSI/DI along with lots of other related matters. I'm willing to discuss to the degree it becomes apparent you need more guidance than a casual forum.

I do have appointment with a therapist in my town that i found online that takes my insurance. She is not a gay therapist but does deal with lgbt issues.  I start therapy with her Monday.  I do receive good feedback from my postings.  Actually I posted this same post on another website.  It got more than 40 views and no comments.  Two members did finally post on that site.  One of the members of the site said that I was in a no-win situation and that was very staggering and difficult to hear. I do want honest feedback but I need to get hope and encouragement as well.

[richhix56]

 As for this man you are speaking with, you need to BE VERY CAREFUL!!!   I say this for two reasons.  The first is that people on dating sites and such can be liars, users, and scammers.  Second, you've said in your post that you've never had any sort of same -sex relationship.  Obviously, this is something you want badly.  I can tell because you are already talking about a possible future, but you've only known each other for a week, and you've never met face-to-face.  Add to that situation that he lives 100 miles away, and if you were to meet somewhere, it would be away from everyone you know, there are possible red flags flying.

The last thing you need to be doing right now is cultivating a relationship.  You need to get yourself into a better headspace, and then get your finances in order.  If you truly want to come out to your father, you need to be prepared to possibly move out of the area after you do so.

I agree with you. Right now I need a just a friend to talk to face to face who understands my situation and can empathize more than anything. We have a lunch date planned for tomorrow and I have gathered from our chats he will more than likely at some point attempt to make some sexual advances. As tempting as that sounds that is the last thing I need at this point. If I was that hard up I go to Grindr, there are plenty of guys there for that in my area.  I am supposed to call him in the morning and I am going to talk to him about this before he makes the trip. I have already talked to him about my mental health issues and the situation with my dad.

[richhix56]

 As for this man you are speaking with, you need to BE VERY CAREFUL!!!   I say this for two reasons.  The first is that people on dating sites and such can be liars, users, and scammers.  Second, you've said in your post that you've never had any sort of same -sex relationship.  Obviously, this is something you want badly.  I can tell because you are already talking about a possible future, but you've only known each other for a week, and you've never met face-to-face.  Add to that situation that he lives 100 miles away, and if you were to meet somewhere, it would be away from everyone you know, there are possible red flags flying.

The last thing you need to be doing right now is cultivating a relationship.  You need to get yourself into a better headspace, and then get your finances in order.  If you truly want to come out to your father, you need to be prepared to possibly move out of the area after you do so.

I agree with you. Right now I need a just a friend to talk to face to face who understands my situation and can empathize more than anything. We have a lunch date planned for tomorrow and I have gathered from our chats he will more than likely at some point attempt to make some sexual advances. As tempting as that sounds that is the last thing I need at this point. If I was that hard up I go to Grindr, there are plenty of guys there for that in my area.  I am supposed to call him in the morning and I am going to talk to him about this before he makes the trip. I have already talked to him about my mental health issues and the situation with my dad.

  I think I need to call the whole thing off with this dude and I plan to do that later today. I know that right now is not the best time to even consider getting involved with another guy. The last two months I have slipped into severe depression.  The little things I was enjoyed doing I do not enjoy doing now.  All this time writing and spilling my guts out in forums at this point seems like a waste. TBH I dont think it helped me to accomplish anything but made matters worse.  My whole life seems like one big screw up and I am not sure why I am even alive. It just does not make any sense to me.  I am not going to do anything stupid. I think I do need to go into inpatient care at this point. Here in Arkansas though you have to attempted suicide to get into the hospital.

[ChadCoxRox]

Such pain and so few resources makes me SO uncomfortable reading this post... You say you are not going to do anything stupid. Does that mean you are not going to kill yourself? You do not have to attempt suicide to get help, that's just so untrue.

Arkansas RTOR MH resources

I don't know what area you are in but there are 249 locations listed in this one resource. It is SAMHSA so it does say "substance abuse treatment" but they ALL deal with mental and behavioral health issues.

Treatment Locator

Lastly, you can get real anonymous support with just a phone call to so many places! Here's just one. This one is not just for being suicidal but also facing issues that could lead you to that place.

National Suicide Prevention

[CellarDweller]

I think I need to call the whole thing off with this dude and I plan to do that later today. I know that right now is not the best time to even consider getting involved with another guy. The last two months I have slipped into severe depression.  The little things I was enjoyed doing I do not enjoy doing now.  All this time writing and spilling my guts out in forums at this point seems like a waste. TBH I dont think it helped me to accomplish anything but made matters worse.  My whole life seems like one big screw up and I am not sure why I am even alive. It just does not make any sense to me.  I am not going to do anything stupid. I think I do need to go into inpatient care at this point. Here in Arkansas though you have to attempted suicide to get into the hospital.

Your life is not one big screw up. You are just in a situation that feels overwhelming, which is natural. Use the services that CCR posted, they can help provide some clarity.

[Charlie4BBC]

Hope you feel better soon.