Annoyance...

[jimcrackcorn]

InBetweenDreams,,, I think you are right in your assumption that he is probably a "hoarder". He buys "almost worthless" stuff and instead of fixing this stuff and using it or selling it,, he just keeps it.. The test to find out if he is a true hoarder is to ask him if you can have or buy one of his worthless old electronic devices,, if he suddenly gets quiet and doesn't let you have it (or buy it),, then he's a hoarder... Hoarders will refuse to give up any of their treasures,, not matter how worthless they are..

You are also right in thinking that he doesn't have the will to change the things that are bothering him or slowing his progression in life (his job).

His parents are also playing the role as his security blanket,, and as long as he is comfortable with this present arrangement,,, he well stay where he is...

I personally know & knew hoarders and also folks who don't have any appetite for advancing themselves... They can be wonderful people who you enjoy spending time with and even grow feelings for,,, but changing them isn't something I would suggest trying to tackle... The best thing is to remain friends and see if they can change on their own...

Even great guys can come with baggage that is too difficult to deal with..

You have done so well in getting your life on the right track.. Keep up the good work...

I wish you the best of luck,

Sin-cerely,
Jim

[InbetweenDreams]

InBetweenDreams,,,  I think you are right in your assumption that he is probably a "hoarder".  He buys "almost worthless" stuff and instead of fixing this stuff and using it or selling it,, he just keeps it..  The test to find out if he is a true hoarder is to ask him if you can have or buy one of his worthless old electronic devices,, if he suddenly gets quiet and doesn't let you have it (or buy it),, then he's a hoarder... Hoarders will refuse to give up any of their treasures,, not matter how worthless they are.. 

That is an idea. I just don't want any of it so I will have to make a low ball offer lol. In all seriousness though, he's probably on his way to becoming a hoarder if not already. We haven't reached "TLC" levels yet.

You are also right in thinking that he doesn't have the will to change the things that are bothering him or slowing his progression in life (his job). 

And this is where it gets interesting. I empathize with him because I know he has bad anxiety. I have bad anxiety. I know how much I hate looking for new jobs, doing resumes, interviews and the entire dog and pony show that goes along with it. Part of me wants to empathize but at the same time, I did change jobs at the right time back in 2015, I mean I was ready to just walk it was so ridiculous.

You have done so well in getting your life on the right track..  Keep up the good work...

Thank you but, I need to do better. I might be on the upswing on getting my shit together but I do also live with my parents but there are some differences...

His parents are also playing the role as his security blanket,, and as long as he is comfortable with this present arrangement,,, he well stay where he is...

It is very easy to get complacent. You got a job, not quite enough money to move out but enough to indulge yourself. I've been there, I've done it, got myself into a lot of debt. Ended up in bankruptcy. Likewise, I can't keep living in this manner because sooner or later reality will set in and it won't be pretty for me if I am penniless and can't afford rent. I can't predict the future. One thing though is that I do appreciate my parents more now, despite how dysfunctional we all are and all the things that have happened over the years. While I don't need to bother trying to explain or justify why I am still here, a lot of it, at least for a while had to do with my mother being disabled. The other reason is that I am a fucking idiot when it comes to money. I could have easily moved out and live on my own if I did not screw up with cars in 2015. That move there has cost me the last 6 years and probably a few more before it is all settled.

When it comes to this guy I've been seeing. I noticed that his mother still washes and folds his clothes. I can't say for sure how much he helps with other things, I know he does some things but from what I can tell doesn't do that much. But beyond that I don't have much room to talk, although I don't think I could get away with having 5-6 cars (which may or may not run and drive) sitting in the driveway, or fill the house up with console stereos and such all through the house.

Not sure what to think but one thing is for sure, we both can't be morons about money.

I personally know & knew hoarders and also folks who don't have any appetite for advancing themselves... They can be wonderful people who you enjoy spending time with and even grow feelings for,,,  but changing them isn't something I would suggest trying to tackle... The best thing is to remain friends and see if they can change on their own... 

Even great guys can come with baggage that is too difficult to deal with.. 


I wish you the best of luck,

Sin-cerely,
Jim

It is probably more to do with the fear of the unknown, I think he is scared of the change. I have no idea what the problem is with the vaccine. Both his parents got the shot a few weeks back, I asked him why he didn't go when they did...could have got it taken care of. But now I guess he'll just be staying home next weekend.

Thanks

[Rawr]

So it turned out that my plans to see my sister and to go see him are on the same weekend. No problem, he's told me he wanted to go meet my sister and so on so I asked her if I could bring him... Well, there's one big problem. My brother in-law has cancer (a rare, slow growing type that I know nothing about) and he is going to be starting chemo sometime in the near future, might be a few months away... and my partner I'm suppose to bring has not gotten vaccinated. Now, despite anyone's opinions about COVID, getting vaccinated, understand it is going to be my sister's wishes and I am in total agreement that he should be vaccinated around someone who has cancer, is immunosuppressed, etc. Nor am I going to risk doing something that would jeopardize my sister, her husband or my niece's well being. So, since getting vaccinated is something he'll likely not do, I guess he'll have to stay home that weekend because I don't get to see my sister, or my niece very often or for very long. They live across the state, about 420 miles (675km) away. So I am not going to pass chances to see them.

Hopefully I have given enough context here to ask the question. Am I being selfish if I choose to go visit my sister instead of him?

Not being selfish in the slightest.

Not to get into it, but there has been a lot of arguments around this sort of subject to the point where I think he should be pretty understanding giving the circumstances. 

There'll be more opportunities for him to meet your sister I'm sure and missing out may make him re-think getting the vaccination.

[InbetweenDreams]

So here's an update. Again, I might repeat some things I have already mentioned in the thread. He works or up until recently worked at an animal hospital, working as a kennel tech and was one of a few people who did...they were short staffed. I don't truly know what all was going on but there were some tensions about my presence at the pride parade (the one I made a thread about) from his (now former) bosses. Apparently they had been telling him he should break up with me, apparently being echoed by at least one other co-worker. Not sure why exactly as he's not told me, not that it matters. I haven't done anything to him that warrants them telling him what he should do. Now, remember, we live 170 miles apart, he's having to take a couple Sundays off each month. We usually take turns seeing each other. I try splitting things 50/50 as close as I can but I also don't keep track of things that close. All I know is that who's paying for what and who's seeing who had come up (which is none of their business but why he's divulged those details to them, well who knows). I do think they intruded on his privacy by asking him all about me and what we do and who's seeing who and whether I'm going to pride. Apparently it was said that if I didn't show up at pride, mind you is 4 hours away from me, that he ought to break it off with me.

Long story short, a couple weeks ago, he walked out of his job after getting into a confrontation with one of his bosses. Apparently he forgot to give a dog their flea and tick medicine on a day where there was ~30 dogs in the kennel and as usual also shorthanded. The boss goes on a tirade about it, telling him he's not going to be able to take Sunday's off, asking what else around here doesn't get done and so on. He calls me hysterical, crying. I thought someone had died, I had to calm him down over the course of maybe 20 minutes. Because I'm not mad that he walked out. His parents aren't mad that he walked out. I do think he should have taken my advice and worked his resume 6 months ago and looked for another job back then, would have been a lot less traumatic to deal with.

Which brings me to my frustration....

I'm not frustrated that he quit his job. I'm not frustrated that he's going to take a couple weeks off before he looks, I actually suggested that myself. It is the procrastination. Take the vaccine thing for instance. I suggested he get the vaccine before we went to the Outer Banks in July, here we are, almost the end of the year and he's not done it. You don't have to even make an appointment now at many places. So what's the problem? I don't know. I ask him about it he tells me "I will..." in a tone that says I know I should but I probably won't.

Last week he mentioned something about a job at the school where his mom works, something about a teacher's aid of some sort. I didn't realize it at the time but it is an active job listing. He hasn't spent one second working on his resume. I went through and started one for him, all he needs to do is fill in some blanks. I couldn't have made it easier. I asked him if that was something he wanted to apply for because if it is an active listing it might not posted two weeks from now and that he needed to hurry up and get his resume finished so he can start applying for things he's interested in. He told me two things in our talk about this. One is that he doesn't want to apply for anything yet because he's worried he might get a call that will interfere with our weekend trip next weekend. I told him in most cases that would be unlikely, I mean sure there are places that might ask you to start immediately but probably not at a school district...and that's a crap shoot anyway. The second thing he's worried about is that a new job will mean we won't be able to see each other. That might be true, but I told him that we would cross that bridge when we get there because there's no way to know where he's going to work and what kind of schedule he's going to have. Frankly, he should realize that it is a temporary thing and that getting 3-day weekends off is a rarity in itself. Like I'm very fucking lucky to have a 4 day work week. I know he wants to see me as often as possible but it is silly to let that get in the way of employment. I told him I got vacation time I can take and the long term should be the goal basically.

He tells me that he is still upset and cries over the incident at his workplace. I get it, it was a traumatic experience and he's got to work through that. What he can change is playing through all these thoughts and scenarios. Working himself up to tears worrying about what his boss might be saying to others about him, bad references and so on. I explained to him that all these thoughts playing through all these scenarios are one of the hallmarks of anxiety and to work on identifying thoughts like that before they start and run their course.

All that being said. I don't think this is going to work. I mean I will give him time but I feel like I am cheating myself. I'm not really happy with him. Almost each night he calls me late, before I am going to bed and I'm on the phone with him for 2 hours, almost midnight sometimes, doing what feels like a monologue. I'm just getting burned out on it. I don't want to be his parent. I hate to sound like an ass but he is in a lot of ways like an adult child, not like in a brat way, but that I have to make decisions for him, where to eat, what to do, everything it seems I have to pry it out of him. I just don't know where he's been in the last 10 years but he had this in his old resume under qualifications "I may lack experience but..." clearly you can't put something like that in a resume. I know he didn't know better but I just wonder on things like that. The thing is I don't see a way out. I mean sure, if I am cold blooded son of a bitch, sure, just end it. But I worry that doing so is going to crush him and I worry that it is going to stifle any progress he's made in the last year since we've been dating. I don't want anything bad to happen to him over me, but I don't think there is any "letting someone down easy" in any of this. I may as well be shoving someone out of a car while driving down the highway it seems (hypothetically speaking). So any thoughts on this whole conundrum would be appreciated.

[Bhp91126]

I think you need to stop ‘parenting’ him and not be the motor behind his job activities. Nothing against helping him, but it seems to affect you negatively if he’s proving resistant to your encouragements. Stop trying to motivate him and monologue at him. It bothers you and I don’t think it’s helping. If your conversations end up going in circles or monologues cut them off. You can only bring the horse to the water
Since you started writing about him you complained about his lack of initiative, his odd spending and collecting habits etc. You are not going to change him fundamentally and he has some lessons to learn. Take him for what he is and see whether you can live with that.

[ChadCoxRox]

Making an informed decision based on facts, realistic expectations and common sense cannot be inferred, in any sort of way, as being a cold-hearted SOB. For me, life's too short to be in a relationship that seems to focus on being encumbered rather than uplifted and mutual. There does appear to be some irrational drama confusing the matter but I see it's an effort to piece together ALL the information hoping for some sort of understanding. You've talked it out right here. If it seems like a duck, quacks like a duck, what's the question?

[InbetweenDreams]

@Bhp91126 Yeah you're right and frankly I should have learned from a previous relationship. As far as talking to him on the phone and "monologuing" that's just how conversations are, I don't lecture him all the time or anything like that. He just doesn't have much to add to the conversation.

That just goes back to the whole "you can't fix people." I know better but here I am trying just that. I can almost deal with this odd collecting and antiquing...the cars might be a bit too far.


@ChadCoxRox I guess I'm alluding to the fact that this is almost for sure not going to work out with him. I want to have faith that he'll get it together but I think I'm kidding myself and maybe he will but that might be 5 years...15 years who knows. I think it is ok to give someone a reasonable amount of time to do things but I think he's got some growing up to do and I hate it for him because he's 30 and frankly it only gets harder the older you are. I just really hate hurting people and perhaps this is my fault for allowing it to progress to the point that it has. I don't know how to deal with that and how you can tell early on that shit just isn't going to work.

I guess in posting this stuff to the forums it is really just me trying to work it through and perhaps a sanity check.

[ChadCoxRox]

@ChadCoxRox I guess I'm alluding to the fact that this is almost for sure not going to work out with him. I want to have faith that he'll get it together but I think I'm kidding myself and maybe he will but that might be 5 years...15 years who knows. I think it is ok to give someone a reasonable amount of time to do things but I think he's got some growing up to do and I hate it for him because he's 30 and frankly it only gets harder the older you are. I just really hate hurting people and perhaps this is my fault for allowing it to progress to the point that it has. I don't know how to deal with that and how you can tell early on that shit just isn't going to work.

I guess in posting this stuff to the forums it is really just me trying to work it through and perhaps a sanity check.

Yes. You think. And, you do know. And I love that you take the time to sort your thoughts here. It's safe and supportive and lord knows there's a few trolls to stir the shiz (but hope not). Listen you keep seeming to try taking responsibility in the process when he's the one with all the shiz content (seeming). So my vote is to reframe the relationship as a friendship and let it go. This puts it in his court to react or respond. He sounds a little needy and in need of a hero. And you sir are a willing hero. If he grows, I hope it won't be too late for a good catch.

[InbetweenDreams]

So it's been a few months. Long story short, he hasn't begun looking for another job. What I thought would be a few weeks, you know to decompress and just take a break and all turned into "I'll start after New Years" to we're halfway through the month. Not that it matters because this relationship is DOA. He's not going to change, maybe he will but I can't wait 3-5 years to see whether he gets his shit together.

I can't bring myself to end this. I am afraid of hurting him and that I will send him spiraling backwards, but is that my responsibility? I really don't want to be a shitty person but I also feel like the longer I allow this to continue that I am being a shitty person. How the fuck am I supposed to end this? I just don't see how this doesn't end up being messy. I mean this isn't my first rodeo but this time around seems far more difficult to deal with.

[ChadCoxRox]

Why "this time"? I'm missing something. Are you being shitty toward your self? Is he really that ego fragile? Has it been like this in his other relationships? You're certainly tolerant but I don't think it's to a fault...yet. Maybe. ugh. Is he showing initiative in anything else, like house keeping, relationship keeping, anything? Try a "couple's" session that will lead to each of you helping your own selves. Betterhelp