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trying to help a friend in need
#1
hey, im in need of advice

a friend of mine (H) has recently told me that a member in our group of friends (M), is going through the struggle of coming out as trans. i’m not supposed to know about this, but he has us all concerned

for context, H is relatively open with their struggles with mental health, and is prescribed medicine for it.
despite having depression, they’ve never said or implied anything to do with self harm, outside of the occasional “dark humor” of their’s, of which is rarely related to the aforementioned topic

but a few days ago, H had received a call just around 12-1 am, from a drunken and emotional M.

for more context, M’s mother had been into drinking while she was younger, but had given it up over time. that lasted until about 2 years ago, when she had met her soon to be husband. im not one to talk down on anybody, or look at anybody in a certain light, but he was a terrible influence on her, as he got her back into drinking, even more heavily then she had years prior. i also believe he was a part  of M’s lack of confidence in coming out, as he would often make remarks that stood against M’s lgbtq+ ideas, and about what it takes to “be a man.”  i wouldnt  go as far as to say he’s sole cause of M’s concern of coming out, simply due to his introverted demeanor, but is definitely a integral part of M’s hesitation. 

M has recently developed a drinking habit, heavily influenced by those in his home. just a few months ago, they would refuse alcohol after a few shots, typically no more than maybe 3, outside of occasions such as new years eve, 4th of july, etc. i dont like to make assumptions, but i’d bet they were so strict with alcohol was due to their experiences with M’s mother and stepfather’s heavy usage, which some nights would be half a bottle of jack daniels split between the two, but other nights could involve investing in a second bottle. although ive never heard about a physical altercation between the two, M informed is that they would consistently get into whiskey-fueled arguments, which we could only assume how heated it would get, as they usually managed to keep composure around M’s company. M would eventually admit that this caused ptsd suffered through their birth parent’s divorce

lately, the occasional alcohol habit has taken a turn for the worst. the last few times i had seen them, my friends and i would find them in the same chair each time, accompanied by a half bottle of fireball, as they had began drinking a half bottle every night, and sometimes more

returning to the drunken phone call, H answered the phone to a heavily intoxicated and emotional M, who had asked to meet by the nearby lake. our friend group consists of a few marijuana users, including myself, H, and of course, M, though not nearly as heavily as us. with that being said, upon meeting with M, H began preparing to smoke. as he was begins prepping, M hands over a letter to H.

the letter consisted of M’s reflection on life, in which they had only referred to themselves as the gender opposite to the one “assigned at birth,” as well as only speaking of themselves in the past tense. needless to say, it was a note to be left after committing. (i say “assigned at birth” to keep anonymity, if this terminology is incorrect, please correct me, as i am now learning)

M made H promise not to tell anyone, but, out of concern, informed me.

the note also included statements related to concerns of not being accepted by our friend group, which was understandable, considering everyone in the group, minus my fiancee, identify as males, and if its relevant, all of us other than said fiancee, are white, and we havent had much exposure to anybody within the lgbtq+ community

as you could expect from young, ignorant teens, i regret admitting that the dark humor mentioned previously had occasionally included lgbtq based jokes, but never intending to cause harm. the way i saw it prior to learning of M’s struggle, it was just 5 teens trying to make each other laugh. in fact, M probably made the most jokes regarding the topic, not that it justifies it at all, and i am genuinely regretful regarding those jokes. its upsetting to think that as their closest friends, they couldnt be comfortable enough with us, and that we’re to blame

my purpose in posting this thread is because of our concern for our friend. we are more than willing to accept them for who they are, and making the necessary adjustments to ensure not only they, but any lgbtq+ member feels welcome with and around us. we want to let them know that we care and will accept them regardless of gender, sexual orientation, etc., but without his knowledge of anybody other than H (which only includes me) maybe it shouldve been kept a secret, for the sake of him learning to be themselves without influence, but when self harm comes into play, i completely understand H’s reasoning behind telling me. how should we go about this?

TLDR; a friend is afraid to come out, mainly due to our ignorance and we need him to know we accept him, no matter what
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