Does passion matter?

[AlohaT]

Hey. Thanks for reading this. 

TL;DR: I feel love/affection for my partner, but I feel like there is no passion on my side - anyone else experiencing this?

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with this guy for about 2 and a half years. We’re both in our late 20s.

Before him, I was once in a long-term relationships that was relatively scarring. I also had a faire amount of casual in my teens and in-between relationships. 

My current relationship has always felt easy-going. We never argue, we laugh often, share common interests. All in all, he has been a very positive influence in my life. I find him attractive, although sometimes I wish he was sexier. 

I feel lucky to have him, but I have always had this nagging feeling that something was amiss. Lately, I suspect that it might be that while we’re great together, there are also differences in our outlooks on life. I wonder if it’s part of being in your 20s: we’re both still evolving, and there is that question mark of whether we’ll want the same things down the line. That being said, I’ve enjoyed seeing him grow: he’s been dressing better and we’ve explored new interests together lately. 

Sex is one of the thornier topic. It seems I’ve always struggled to relax while having sex with a BF. The most fun have always had was with casual hook-ups, although they came with their own downsides. Specifically with my partner, I feel like the sex always feels plain to me. But I wonder if a fix would simply be researching/exploring ways to spice things up and better communication. 

Overall, I’m left with a feeling that I’m with a great guy and that I appreciate him more as time passes. This doesn’t fit the narrative of romance I’m/we’re used to, (i.e, passion being an important factor at first and then you try to keep it alive throughout the relationship) - for me it’s like there was never any passion, but it’s more (very) slowly developing towards greater intimacy and connection. It doesn’t sound bad, but I wonder if I have “settled down” for something that lacks excitement and perhaps greater sexual compatibility.

My question: was/is anyone in a similar position? If you were in a similar relationship did you end up leaving and, if so, how do you feel now?

Thanks again.

[ChadCoxRox]

Sounds fairly universal in terms of the value and power of communication. If the value is as you lovingly describe then I can't help but think it'd be amazing to get to a place where you could actually say all of this willingly and the two of you revel in it and explore your desires and growth together. I don't mean enmeshment here, but the beauty of having enough strength and character as a couple to be candid and work through any tension. I bet he senses your not being at ease at times and may even wonder in silence. I suggest you two discuss how choice (informed decision-making), risk, relationship, and awe can be nurtured with only a little intentional strategy and more so be celebrated regularly for their natural expression in your day-t0-day living. I love that you love enough to talk about it a bit here. Document your research because it's intriguing and there's plenty to learn and grow from sharing the journey.

[BiGay40]

Hey. Thanks for reading this. 

TL;DR: I feel love/affection for my partner, but I feel like there is no passion on my side - anyone else experiencing this?

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with this guy for about 2 and a half years. We’re both in our late 20s.

Before him, I was once in a long-term relationships that was relatively scarring. I also had a faire amount of casual in my teens and in-between relationships. 

My current relationship has always felt easy-going. We never argue, we laugh often, share common interests. All in all, he has been a very positive influence in my life. I find him attractive, although sometimes I wish he was sexier. 

I feel lucky to have him, but I have always had this nagging feeling that something was amiss. Lately, I suspect that it might be that while we’re great together, there are also differences in our outlooks on life. I wonder if it’s part of being in your 20s: we’re both still evolving, and there is that question mark of whether we’ll want the same things down the line. That being said, I’ve enjoyed seeing him grow: he’s been dressing better and we’ve explored new interests together lately. 

Sex is one of the thornier topic. It seems I’ve always struggled to relax while having sex with a BF. The most fun have always had was with casual hook-ups, although they came with their own downsides. Specifically with my partner, I feel like the sex always feels plain to me. But I wonder if a fix would simply be researching/exploring ways to spice things up and better communication. 

Overall, I’m left with a feeling that I’m with a great guy and that I appreciate him more as time passes. This doesn’t fit the narrative of romance I’m/we’re used to, (i.e, passion being an important factor at first and then you try to keep it alive throughout the relationship) - for me it’s like there was never any passion, but it’s more (very) slowly developing towards greater intimacy and connection. It doesn’t sound bad, but I wonder if I have “settled down” for something that lacks excitement and perhaps greater sexual compatibility.

My question: was/is anyone in a similar position? If you were in a similar relationship did you end up leaving and, if so, how do you feel now?

Thanks again.

Well , U are not alone . I believe guys like us will feel the same and had the same experiences. I would also like to move this gay relationship deeper, to explore deeper. because that way it is how much one can really deeply understand each other feeling and emotions. 

I am a very emotional guy, i am very open to anything. i mean everything. because human started since birth only has one lifetime, i wouldnt know there is a second, so i want to explore more during this lifetime. It is not a death wish, but I want to explore and learn more also it help me to relax more off from busy stressful work.
Looking forward for anyone who feel the same.

[rnd256]

I actually think NOT feeling passion all the time is a healthy sign of the next stage of the relationship, when you feel something that are just as valuable: comfort, camaraderie, and support.

Passion is something that I think is more physical, but as the relationship evolves and moves past that initial physical passion, you want to be with a guy who will support you, who will care for you, who will take care of you.

[Misha1961]

Aloha, I think the fact that you are reaching out shows that you value the relationship you have, even if desiring a bit more. As someone who is currently alone and someone who values that quality of passion in a relationship, I would advise you to nurture what you have. Talking with your partner about your feelings may help your connection to intensify, especially once he knows your desires and hopefully will share his own and be willing to try new things. It might be a way to ignite the spark you feel you do not have.

I have only had a few truly memorable long-term relationships, but they always had an element of passion in them, regardless of whether we were making love in a decidedly risque location, having a very intimate dinner in nice restaurant where gay couples just didn't go, watching the news over a glass of nice wine, or just laying in the bed naked, rubbing each other's ass while studying. Trying new things outside of your comfort level may bring in that spark you desire. Experiencing it together will certainly add a bit of spice to your lives. Be safe, of course, but...if he's amenable, go for it.

[Zach1]

Hi. Quite a curious topic. I’m slightly younger than yourself but I too have had a less than desirable past relationship, as well as my fair share of hookups whilst single.

Although i’m beginning to realise that passion is not a straight forward feel or don’t feel emotion. It takes work to reinvent, to find new ways to connect and reconnect.

From someone who’s shared your past experience, it may be a form of self sabotaging - to look for a fault in someone who ‘makes you laugh, dresses well, has the same interests’. I agree with Chad that I’m sure he senses your lack of passion. Maybe ask yourself what you are doing to work on that. personally, I don’t think any of us can miraculously have passion for someone for years without reflection and work.

 If he’s ticking all those boxes - is he trying to support and work on that aspect too? Do you think he’s sexually fulfilled with you…I’m sure he has needs too that maybe aren’t been met with passion..but if he’s still there, monogamously, making the effort, he obviously is also looking for ways…are you meeting him halfway in steamy moments ,do you initiate passionate moments? It sounds like you’ve found a nice guy who maybe you could work on that for…the grass won’t be suddenly greener.

 Comparing a 2.5 year relationship with casual hookups I’m sure won’t share the same thrill and excitement/nerve. But maybe your bf (if he shares the same dating history) feels these things too, he’ll know it’s different..we’re all just trying to figure this stuff out, if you engage with him as a couple, you may grow and resolve it so you aren’t comparing it to a negative past.

who knows what the future holds for any of us, but it sounds like (to everyone in the comments) you found one worth holding onto, don’t fold just because your relationship has gone past the frivolous naughts hookup mark…especially if you’re yet to, as you say Google things to spice it up - there’s so much you can do if you yourself are open to initiating them and having fun. maybe risky locations, sexy underwear, being verbal, touching, texting, toys - turning him on may in fact turn you on…have you tried many? It sounds as though you’re waiting for him to spice up the passion, you have the power to introduce more passion by offering up solutions!

I hope you’re able to work on being happy before he feels he’s not being met halfway! X