Going crazy

[LearningToLoveMyself]

I've got a bit of a situation going on where I'm trying to figure out whether to stay in my long-term relationship, or leave.

It might help to have some background.

I came to terms with being gay fairly late (late 20s) and probably rushed into things a bit too quickly. I had had a reasonably active social life up until about 2 years previously. I had become so wound up with the question of being gay, and had a crap job, and I was simply going through a shit time in my life. I lost that job and got another one in a different area, and I guess this helped me make a fresh start. Ultimately, though, I wasn't getting out enough and was starting to get quite lonely.

Within the space of about 3 months of starting to actively date guys, I had met a few guys and things had gone nowhere. I had a few bad experiences and it didn't help the loneliness one bit.It was at this point that I met my boyfriend. He was a guy I met on a dating site. Both of us were dating other guys and we had both got nowhere, so I invited him to meet so we could exchange war stories. At this point my intention was to become friends because I wanted more gay friends, people who understood how I felt.

When we met, it became clear immediately that he was smitten. I wasn't so convinced. At the end of our meet he looked kind of sheepish and disappointed until I decided that instead of going home, I would invite him for dinner and watch a film at my place. Part way through the film he kissed me.

At that point I realised I wasn't hugely attracted to this guy but since I had no-one else I figured it was worth a go - what was there to lose? All I'd met so far were losers and users.

Within a couple of weeks, he asked me if I wanted to go steady, and then subsequently he had us link our profiles on said dating site as a couple. More recently a number of people I've confided in have said that we rushed that bit and it was kind of scary that he wanted us coupled so quickly...

Things were OK, he was reasonable company, but he didn't seem to have much in his life. He was still living at home and seemed to have a very limited social life. He didn't seem to know anything much about popular culture. He seemed to have a pretty basic sense of humour. His life seemed fairly dominated by his mother. He just didn't seem to have done much with his life. On top of that I found that experimenting with him sexually enabled me to learn what I liked and what I didn't like with another guy...but he didn't do that much for me, physically.

Things took a lurch after several months when I got to know one of the few friends he had, who was someone he had gone on a date with before he met me (it seems he was quite gutted when this guy didn't want to take things further after that first date, but they stayed friends). This guy was fun and interesting with a decent life, own house, reasonable job, liked a good laugh, etc. etc. and we started hanging out a lot and my social circle expanded to include what I'd originally wanted - gay friends who understood me.

The problems arose when I realised I was getting inappropriate feelings towards this guy. I basically squashed them but it made me wonder why I didn't seem to feel any infatuation or even much desire towards my partner. One morning he kept asking me what was wrong, and I simply told him I wasn't sure I loved him.

He was absolutely gutted and immediately assumed he was being dumped. I found myself remembering the lonely times and fearing being alone again, and feeling that I would have to go out there and put myself through dating lots of potentials who would hurt me or turn out to be a waste of time. So in the end I relented and told him I really did love him...and we just moved on.

The problem is that it's now 6 years on and the same sort of situation is emerging again. We found our social life was getting very limited so he wanted me to basically get out there and meet other couples so we could socialise more. He's never been much use, socially, and I have to keep trying to include him in groups because he always stays on the edge of things. He's not good at meeting new people, and truth be told I'm not that special at it myself. We're both shy and quiet, but I have to confess to feeling a bit resentful that he wants me to deal with this on his behalf all the time.

As it was, as part of this new socialising, I met someone. Someone who initially was just supposed to be a friend...except I fell for this guy, big time. He's just my type physically, a real hunk, and, not mincing words, I'd love to tear his clothes off, kiss him all over, and suck him till his balls are empty. It turned out that he had the hots for me too... So it's reopened the whole question of what to do with regards to my relationship.

I just feel unfulfilled and like I want my partner to be *more*, somehow. I go to the gym and work out all the time, and he loves that...but he went to the gym and gave up. I often feel like I can't share my feelings with him. His hopes and dreams all seem to revolve around me, and after some conversations we've had I think he sees me as a surrogate parent. I'm constantly getting prompted by him to be more romantic with him and tell him how much I love him, but I swear the more he does this the more I feel like I'm faking it.

On top of this, it's all complicated with regards to the "new" guy. He just won't commit to anything and keeps telling me he just wants me to be happy. I've basically said that I would leave my partner for him, but he says it's not about my partner vs him, but about my partner vs being single. I can understand that, but it's frustrating. He won't go as far as to make love with me, as much as I'm practically screaming for it - I really do find him so sexy - but we meet regularly and hang out and he's a good friend...although he keeps touching me, stroking me, and it feels sooooo good. It's just maddening and I find myself wondering if I'd end up leaving my partner and this guy would still end up coming up with excuses not to be with me.

One good thing that's come of all this is it's made me realise how negative I've started to be and how being with my partner has made me slip into a comfort zone where I hang out with him all the time and am basically a bit anti-social. It's made me realise that I need to learn to love myself and accept who I am more, and several friends I've confided in have said to me: You're not a bad person for getting feelings for someone else. One friend said that I love my partner but I'm not in love with him.

I just wish it wasn't so hard. I'm starting to suspect that I'm in a relationship of convenience, with a "guaranteed" friend and "guaranteed" sex (the sex, just to make it clear, has been fantastic but only tends to work when I'm getting him to do exactly what I want - I'm beginning to think that I get off on what he's doing, not him if that makes sense) and that being in this confort zone is very hard to shrug off. There are no doubt plenty of self-esteem issues going on here too.

I just don't know where to turn any more.

[peterinmalaga]

If you rewrote your post, substituting another person’s name for the word “I”, would you know what advice to give the other person? I think so. So take your own advice! If you leave your partner, you probably will not have a long-lasting relationship with the hunk but you probably will have sex with him. Does that matter? I think not. Give yourself time. Don’t worry if every guy you date does not want to marry you. Enjoy what you get from these people – friendship, sex (safer sex), companionship, whatever. The world is full of beautiful people. You will find the right one in the end, I promise you.

[marshlander]

I don't have answers, so I'll just ramble on a bit What you've written sounds like a description of most marriages. The fireworks are there to draw us together, but the heady days of being "in love" are usually replaced by something deeper and, perhaps stronger, which may be why you face such a dilemma now, even if you say you didn't have the fun of the fireworks in the first place ... Whatever your history you both made a decision to commit. While you feel that what you experience now reflects your haste in getting into the relationship in the first place the reality is that you are here, this is now and this is what you have to deal with. You already know that it won't help to let him know that you never really fancied him to begin with. All this introspection sounds thoroughly exhausting and it seems to me you have a few options, but none of them will be pain-free. You could cut your losses and end the relationship. You know it will hurt him and you will feel dreadful for hurting him, but you will gain the space you crave. You could try to negotiate a change of the rules within the relationship. How would he feel if you broadened your circle of friends without him? If he can't accept such an idea do you have the strength to assert yourself against his wishes? I suspect I already know the answer to this one, but could you both be prepared to change the relationship into more of an "open" one, where you stay together, but see other people? There are obvious pros and cons for this, but some couples find it keeps things fresh. Would you be prepared to play together with an expanded network of partners? Are these options so awful to contemplate that maintaining the status quo is the least bad of them?

Have you thought about where you see your relationship in a couple of years, in five years? If the thought of being together is untenable maybe it's time to move on. None of this is easy. In our grandparents' day an unhappy couple would have probably stayed together. We don't have that kind of staying power these days and the social and financial pressures are different.

One thing is clear. You cannot live your life through him, nor he through you. If you are not pulling in the same direction you are inevitably pulling apart ... at least at this moment. Only you will know if this is the kind of ebb and flow that relationships of all kinds experience and whether things will come back together sufficiently in the future. I don't think you can solve this on your own either ... or if you do, your only option is to leave. If you see him being involved in the process you have to be able to talk to each other. For what it's worth, "new guy" doesn't sound like the answer ... more of a diversion, while you are making up your mind. I do know that decisions of this nature often cannot be made quickly, but at some point they have to be made. It comes down to either continuity or change.

Maybe someone else can help you see things more clearly.

Good luck. I think you're both going to need it.

[LearningToLoveMyself]

If you leave your partner, you probably will not have a long-lasting relationship with the hunk but you probably will have sex with him. Does that matter? I think not.

Not sure I understand this bit. Do you mean it won't matter if I leave my partner, shack up with the hunk, and it doesn't last?

[LearningToLoveMyself]

For what it's worth, "new guy" doesn't sound like the answer ... more of a diversion, while you are making up your mind.

I think realistically I'm dealing with 3 situations at once:

1. My own self-esteem, which has slipped.
2. Staying or leaving my relationship.
3. Is new guy worth the effort.

[peterinmalaga]

LTLM, I'm SO sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. I lost the thread (some would say I'd lost the plot). Well here's the plot so far: You are thinking you might want to leave your bf. You are finding it harder to reciprocate his feelings for you. You were never hugely attracted to him. He hasn't done much with his life. He's a bit of a loner. You've told him you're not sure if you love him. You feel unfulfilled. You're faking it. These are your words, not mine. I imagine that YOU want to do something with your life, you want more friends, you want to feel sure that you love your man, you want to feel fulfilled and faking it is OK until you're making it but that bit doesn't happen.
From what you say about your bf, I think that an open relationship wouldn't work. He'd be left on the sidelines, waiting for you to come home etc.
Now to your questions.
Of course it matters if you leave your partner but in your mind you're out the door and practically in someone else's bed. I think you're still too young to be schizo. You want the whole thing and you will never know if you could have had it or not as long as you are sitting at home watching Corrie in your slippers, next to the man you have never been hugely attracted to. Give me some good reasons for staying where you are now and I might change my mind.
The hunk you have met may turn out to be the great love of your life and he may not. But to me you sound like a caged animal screaming to get out.
Perhaps you need to take this one step at a time.
Do you want to be where you are now for the next 10 or 20 years?
Is your present situation life-enhancing or is it stopping you fulfill your dreams?
If you want to move on, is this as good a time to move as any?
Where would you want to move on to?
What is holding you back?
Could you cope if the hunk turned out to be nothing more than a one-night stand?
How would you feel about living on your own for a a year? Would you enjoy the freedom or look back nostalgically at what you had lost?
Do you think you would be better placed to move on in your life, if you had lived on your own for a year?
You don't seem to be a very happy bunny now. Do you think you could be happier in a year's time if you had the courage to make a move?
Do I mean it won't matter if you leave your partner, shack up with the hunk, and it doesn't last? Yes, I do. But it's your life and you have to live with the consequences. So it has to be your decision.

[LearningToLoveMyself]

Well, I guess it's time for an update.

The hunk went all quiet on me for a period of about 6 weeks. Said he had something going on that he didn't want to tell me about until he got his head round it.

Last night he finally told me - he's met someone else, someone more available, and they're going for it. He still wants to be friends and I think he'll honour that. But still, he's all over his new bloke.

So it's all over as far as that's concerned.

Tonight I came home from work and had a damn good cry about the whole episode. I haven't hurt like this in a long time. I'm not even sure I've ever loved someone this much.

As to the rest, I still have question marks over my boyfriend. I find I'm going round and round in circles. I'm steadily defining the problem in ever-neater and more accurate terms, realising the full extent of the effect his mother has on him, the fact that we're spending less and less time together, etc. etc.

But it doesn't make the problem go away.

At its heart, I'm afraid to move on because I question whether this is as good as it gets and whether I'll just waste my time and hurt both of us only to end up in a similar situation years later. Either that or be unable to find anyone any better. I'm beginning to realise I have a lack of faith in other people. I'm also seriously considering getting counselling because I feel my confidence issues and whatnot are not helping this situation at all.

On top of that, there's all the guilt. I just don't want to hurt him. Whether that's because I'm concerned for him, or more concerned for how I'll feel, I don't know.

As to being alone, I was alone before I met him. I could cope, but I know if I didn't have enough friends I'd get lonely real fast.

I miss that hunk already. So very much.

[gaygay33]

It seems like yoiur handle/screen name really describes what's going on with you and believe me a lot of us face that as well.

I think you miss the hunk because you were in lust and he'll be hopping from one person 2 another. So you just have to let the hunk go.

Counseling might be a great option because you're expressing tons of fears. Maybe once you see a counselor you'll be able to let it all out. But don't be so down on yourself, and secondly- I think you're looking for perfection, and perfection doesn't exist!

Good luck!!!

[LearningToLoveMyself]

Thought I'd give another update for anyone who might be interested.

My friendship with the hunk has gone straight down the toilet - he rarely makes contact and although he keeps saying I'm welcome to contact him, he's always difficult as if he just wants rid of me.

I've started getting a more active social life, and also seeing a therapist to try and unknot the thoughts in my head.

This has gone pretty well...but over the last week, the social aspect has produced some surprising results.

First off, I made a new friend, who just so happened to mention a number of couples he knew were breaking up...and two of the names mentioned happened to match the ones the hunk mentioned. Said hunk has refused to tell me any details, but I got them from my friend. Turns out "hunk" has trashed the relationship mentioned, and was moving his stuff in before the other guy had even finished moving out. A load of other stuff was mentioned, and it's clear that "hunk" - from now on known as Arsehole - has behaved despicably.

To make it worse, tonight I learned from another friend that there is another couple that Arsehole has tried to break up. So it turns out the hunk is a miserable serially-couple-wrecking shit.

At least it feels good to know that I will no longer be bothering with him.