Transportation jokes

[marshlander]

... BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off.

I heard this a few years ago, but have no idea whether it actually happened. It couldn't possibly be true, surely!

[clarke33]

I heard this a few years ago, but have no idea whether it actually happened. It couldn't possibly be true, surely!

Nahh, it's fake, look it up on snopes.com

[Rychard the Lionheart]

Driving too fast.

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"

[peterinmalaga]

hahaha. Welcome back. I missed your jokes!

[Rychard the Lionheart]

With the road death toll continuing to increase each year, especially around the Holiday period, this will be the first time that
Zero Tolerance Speed Cameras will be introduced here in the UK. They will be ready next year in time for the Summer Holiday period.

The new cameras look different from the normal cameras, I have included a photo so that you are familiar with them and able to
make sure not to speed when approaching the camera.




Please take this warning seriously as you will not get another chance.

[Genersis]

LOL
So glad I'm a pedestrian.:biggrin:

[Rychard the Lionheart]

SPEEDING IN TENNESSEE

1) Good: A Knoxville, TN, policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" . . And a bucket full of money.. (And we kids used to just mow lawns!)

2) Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Nashville, TN A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best: A young Kentucky woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Tennessee State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Rychard the Lionheart]

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."


Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

[Aaycle]

Holy Shit Rychard, I couldn't laugh. I am still reeling from the shock!

[FreddyFriedSmithy]

Nice speed camera.... need this in my country