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10-22-2009, 06:16 PM

I really need to get some advice and answers about this. I am a 35 year old gay male who is happily married (it's legal in Mass) to my husband of 10 years (he is 33)! We have an amazing life together, a great house on the water, very supportive families, and great friends. Over the years, we've had a few threesomes from time to time, and all have been enjoyable with no "side effects" at all. However, last week, we had a threesome with a very cute, very funny 20 year old. It was amazing. We both enjoyed it a lot. However, this kid and I chat quite often on AIM because I have a fairly slow, easy job, and he's on between classes. We've become pretty friendly because we have a very, very similar sense of humor and what not. Now I know, what does a 35 year old have in common with a 20 year old? Actually, quite a lot. I have always been very young acting (immature??), and have always gotten along better with younger people. My husband is the opposite - he tends to get along better with older people.

Anyways, to get to the point, I can't stop thinking about this kid. I love my husband more than anything. He is the best guy on the face of this planet (and most other people he knows would agree). But I just can't help but really liking this other kid too. I have ZERO desire to leave my husband. And here's the kicker -- he is ok with having a threesome with this kid from time to time as well. He liked him as well. To most people, this may seem like the "best of both worlds", but I just need to learn to control my feelings. Not talking to this kid is really not something I want to do, because he's pretty much become a friend of mine.

It really, truly is a situation that most gay men would love to be in (not ALL gay men), but I am a different kind of person I guess. I never believed that monogamy really, truly works - which is one of the reasons people have affair left and right, and the divorce rate is through the roof. Having said this, I have never once cheated on my husband in 10 years - never. And I don't plan on it. Anyways...

...any advice on how I can just control my feelings here? It's always something I have had a problem with. It's also really driving me insane in the past couple of weeks. It's a catch 22, because you really can't control how you feel, but I also have no intentions of not talking to my/our friend anymore. This kid loves hanging out with us too (though we've only hung out the one time - second time to come next weekend).

I probably should add a couple of things. I don't just have attachment issues with people - I tend to be pretty OCD, and take things to the extreme with anything I like - such as music (I am a musician), travel, etc. If I like something, I go full force. That's my main issue. Neither my husband nor I have a problem with fooling around with this kid from time to time, and I would not get into a relationship with this kid anyways -- he's 20, in college, and he doesn't want a relationship either. That isn't going to happen. I just cannot control my thoughts and feelings of attachment. Ugh!

10-22-2009, 06:45 PM

I know you are much older then me and probably wiser but this is what I would say.

I'm gonna let you know that pratically this is all on you. Yes you could still talk to the kid and be his friend but you also got to think that if getting to close to him doesn't push your Husband away. If you really like to continue being with your husband you would find a way to work out both ways.

I'm with the love of my life and I had to give up some friends because I love him and don't want to loose him. I care for him to much. You are also right when you said monogamy is hard to keep between you and your husband. Also you need to concentrate on what your heart is telling you as well.

Good Luck my friend and I hope all works out for you.

10-22-2009, 07:43 PM

Hey Mikey

Appreciate your response. I definitely know this is all on me. I never, ever expected to feel this way at all - and to be honest with you, I am not even sure if my feelings are that I like this person, or that I really enjoyed sleeping with him. Again, aside from a few threesomes here and there over the past 10 years, we're monogamous. I think what the main issue here is that this kid is my ideal type of guy physically. Just perfect! I have never had that before, and having done it this one time, it was mind blowing. Add on top of that that I am constantly thinking of sex and what not, and it isn't a good combo. I dunno, this sucks!

10-23-2009, 12:20 PM

I know how exhausting it can be having someone on your mind all the time. He doesn't want a relationship; you still love and want to be with your husband. You make it sound like there is nowhere good for this arrangement to go. If you decide that your marriage relationship is your over-riding priority you may have to make a few sacrifices. Whether these sacrifices include, for example broadening the rules of your relationship into something more "open" so you can play away, or going the other way and either excluding this young man from your threesomes, or perhaps making your partner the focus of your attention and breaking off the friendship with your playmate altogether is something only you can decide.

Difficult area I realise, but have you spoken to your husband about your fears that you are developing unexpected feelings for this young man? You might be able to weather this if you go to him in the spirit of seeking help for something you are facing together.

I know that in my head, I'm in favour of ripping off a plaster (band-aid?) quickly, but I'm usually so scared I pull it off more painfully one hair at a time. Take care, good luck and I hope no one gets too badly hurt.

10-23-2009, 04:39 PM

drummerboy74 Wrote:Hey Mikey

Appreciate your response. I definitely know this is all on me. I never, ever expected to feel this way at all - and to be honest with you, I am not even sure if my feelings are that I like this person, or that I really enjoyed sleeping with him. Again, aside from a few threesomes here and there over the past 10 years, we're monogamous. I think what the main issue here is that this kid is my ideal type of guy physically. Just perfect! I have never had that before, and having done it this one time, it was mind blowing. Add on top of that that I am constantly thinking of sex and what not, and it isn't a good combo. I dunno, this sucks!

Ahhh the tricks of the human soul lol. Our feelings that we have are what makes us as a person. These feelings can be good our bad. I read what marsh said above me and I think he hits it on the right spot.

He also had an excellent point about saying to go to your husband. Thats something that anyone should do with any problems. I also want to let you know from experience that sometimes the younger ones can lead you into trouble that you don't want to get into. I'm not saying this young man well but he is young and more likely horny all the time. Who is to say that he may just walk out and leave you hanging. How would that make you feel. I think you should into the long term effects it would take knowing this boy.

10-23-2009, 04:44 PM

I have talked to my husband about this (just sent him an e-mail too). Again, I have NO DESIRE to date this kid. He's 20, and does not want a relationship anyways (he just recently told a fellow college student of his that he was fooling around with that he doesn't want a relationship). I am not getting into a relationship with him no matter what. But the feelings of lust and of liking him (I DO like him because he has a great sense of humor and is really cute) is bugging the shit outta me!!! It's so bad that I honestly have a hard time "getting it up" with my hubby now because it's constantly in my head. I haven't even looked at porn in over a week, which is NOT like me! Ha.

10-24-2009, 05:39 AM

Meet him for another threeway then ask your husband for a kitchen pass to explore 1-on-1 with the boy. If he agrees maybe that will get the boy out of your system. I think you are simply hot for him and if you get what you want the heat will fade.

11-05-2009, 07:06 PM

Constantly thinking of sex is normal.
Having a 3some is great.
Having sex with the same trick more than once is a recipe for disaster, if you are married.
I nearly always agree with Marshie but am not so sure about the wisdom of talking this one through with your husband. Oops too late.
Come on Seaoz, you cannot be serious. A kitchen pass may sound cool but it is going to fuck everyone up mentally.
Don't give me all that shit about what a good friend this young guy could be. The only solution here is to cut off all connections with the cutie. Send him to me, I'll sort him out! But seriously, you are playing with fire here and you will be very lucky if your marriage lasts if you carry on like this. I'm NOT normally the one to say “Don't do this” but there is no other solution here if you want your marriage to survive.
Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said “I can resist anything except temptation.”

11-06-2009, 02:59 AM

You sound like you have a strong attraction to the twenty year old, which should raise a red flag. We all have the best intentions not to fall in love, but when there is a strong attraction there is a huge risk. If you have no intentions to terminate your marriage, you may want to reconsider adding a third person to it. Like they say "Two is company, but three is a crowd."