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11-01-2009, 01:45 PM

I have a boyfriend, whom I've been with now for almost three months. We spend the nights together. Last night, Halloween, we went out to a few bars, and ended up at a male strip club. One thing lead to another, and we drank more. My boyfriend then wanted me to get a private stripper for a back room, knowing that I had never done something like that. I refused vehemently, as it did not feel right. But then, my boyfriend went ahead and did it. I felt TERRIBLE the whole time that he was back there. Although he now says that nothing happened, I don't know what to think. All I know is that my boyfriend decided to leave me at a bar while he went to the back room with a private male stripper. Again, my boyfriend says that nothing happened, but is that the point? How should I approach this??

11-01-2009, 04:28 PM

In some gay (and straight) relationships this would not be a problem. In others of course it would. I think it is by far the best thing if you talk openly with your boyfriend about what happened, telling him how it made you feel and why it made you feel that way. You need to think carefully and very honestly about this. I have had 3 long term gay relationships and 2 of these were open and the present relationship is monogamous. But even in an open relationship I would have felt hurt by what your boyfriend did, for several reasons:

This happened more or less in your presence and you were excluded from it.
It was not discussed beforehand.
Your feelings were not taken into account

Please don't just adopt my attitudes and opinions. Some people would not be bothered even though they might have taken into consideration my concerns. How do you REALLY feel about what happened? I have known men who were turned on by their boyfriend's sexual adventures and to me that is OK.
There is another dimension to this too. How do you see your relationship developing? How do you WANT it to develop. At the very least you need to discuss what the ground rules are for you two in the future. Respect is all important but also respect for each other's needs. If you cannot accept the need that he has for some freedom (if this is a real need for him), then you are left only with plan B – leave him before things get worse. Self respect is pretty important too (English understatement!)
When you discuss this with him, your aim should not be to guilt-trip him but simply to find a way forward. You may decide to love him and leave him but you should at least respect your mutual differences and can in time be friends, if not boyfriends. The last thing I would want is to impose my views on you, so none of the above is my advice: it's just stuff to think about.
I wish you both lots of luck whatever the outcome.
PS. I don't think alcohol is an excuse. Drunks say and do what they really want to say and do. It's sober people who conceal their true feelings. I am sure there will be times in the future when you both get drunk again.
PPS. Whether something happened or not is not really the issue here, is it?

11-01-2009, 07:03 PM

Seconded.

11-02-2009, 01:47 AM

Thanks peterinmalga for your comments. But, I have something else to say. If you can provide feedback again, that would be great.

When my boyfriend was trying to convince me to go get a private dance with the stripper, i repeatedly said no. But he kept on asking me to do it. I felt as if he wouldn't stop. Finally, I gave in and said angrily, "well why don't you do it, then." So, in a way I gave him permission, but not really! I still felt terrible while it was happening. So is this an instance of me just having to swallow my pride and my sense of respect and just blame it all on myself.

Then again, I don't want to blame it on anybody, least of all my boyfriend. I want it to work out. But I just don't know how to handle these intense emotions that I'm having. Will they subside? Only time will tell?

11-02-2009, 10:00 AM

Ah, you didn't say that! This sounds like a classic Venus and Mars scene. Apparently when some women say, "Well, why don't you just do it then if it's that important ..." they are certainly not giving permission. :confused: I suspect they say as a test or a trap, but then I really am very jaded. On Mars, we hear the words, not the translation. Of course, he was trying to get you to get a private stripper because he was curious and he wanted your permission, but couldn't actually discuss it ... we are so complicated sometimes!

Still, your man was not sensitive to your concerns, and that needs working out. Intense emotions do subside, but they can be stirred up again. Can you have a chat when you are both sober? Three months is not very long into a relationship and is not really time to change old habits and curiosities. If you want the relationship to work I think you both have to cut each other a little slack.

11-08-2009, 12:27 PM

You have nothing to blame yourself for. He was naughty, he heard what you said but he may have chosen not to hear what you meant. There is room for doubt here. So my advice would be “Smack his bum!” Put it down to experience and try to learn from it. You guys need to discuss the ground rules of your relationship. It may sound boring and pedantic but these incidents will keep cropping up if you don't discuss this.

Is there any room for compromise here? Would it be acceptable for him to watch porn? Would it be acceptable for him to watch a stripper in a bar where there are other people present? It would be better if you both watched porn or a stripper or whatever together but if you don't like that idea, then discuss it with him and if you still don't like it, don't do it.

What are the intense emotions you are experiencing? Is it love, jealousy, hurt? Your feelings will not remain the same and that is for sure. You may feel better, worse or indifferent about this in a few months time. If you love him, tell him so and tell him you want to explain your feelings to him and discuss any problems. Choose your moment for this and aim to make it a once and for all discussion, which also means that you need to have your ideas more or less sorted out in your own mind beforehand and you need to know where you can compromise and where you can't. There has to be a bit of give and take, if you love him. No agreement leaves you with only plan B as a satisfactory option.

I hope you can sort this out because it sound as though you are really hooked on this guy, lucky man!

Peter

PS Sorry about the delay. I have been struggling with problems on my computer.