Help! Boyfriend never wants sex anymore!

[Jungle Rabbit]

I met my current boyfriend about 2.5 years ago. For the first year and
half or so, the sex was amazing. We'd be intimate with each other
almost every time we saw each other, sometimes multiple times per
night. It seemed like both of us couldn't keep our hands off each
other. Not just sex either, but lots of kissing and making out, very
intense passionate sex, it was amazing! The last year though, has been
the complete opposite.



He has rarely initiated sex with me this past year. It seems like I'm
the only one that wants it anymore, he always complains that he's too
tired. He even makes a point to say how tired he is before we go to
bed, I take that as him hinting to me that there isn't going to be any
sex tonight. He's even "too tired" on weekends which I don't quite
understand.



I have brought up how frustrated and hurt I am with this situation and
all he tells me is that "he doesn't know what the problem is". He
insists that he is still attracted to me, but I don't really believe
that. I did catch him attempting to have sex with other men about 5
months ago. I don't believe he actually followed through with anything,
but i found a sex ad that he posted on craigslist as well as some very
disturbing emails to other guys on craigslist. I did catch him doing
this the very next day after he put his ad up, so I do believe nothing
actually happened, but there was definitely intent. He lied to me about
the ad at first (telling me he was just looking for friends, not sex)
and didn't actually come clean about it until recently.



Another related issue is that we have only had anal sex twice since
last July. 7 months ago or so, we had sex (he's the bottom) and the
next morning he told me that he was hurting in that area and saw some
blood when he went to the bathroom. I understood and was only worried
about him being healthy. So I didn't pressure him at all (still don't)
about having anal sex, there's other stuff we could do anyway, but
still to this day, he has not seen a doctor. At this point, I do
believe this might be an excuse not to have sex with me. Whenever I
bring it up, he tells me he wants to see a doctor but he's embarrassed.
I can understand that to a certain degree, but to completely refuse to
see a doctor for 7 months now, knowing how frustrated I am leaves me
really confused. I have no reason to believe he's going to see a doctor
or think that we're going to start having anal sex again anytime soon.



On Valentine's day eve (it was actually after midnight, so it was
technically Valentine's day) we were away on a nice weekend vacation
together. I thought it'd be nice to fool around, so when I tried to
initiate in bed, he just told me he was tired and wanted to cuddle.
This of course makes me feel rejected and really frustrated, so I get
upset. In the morning he has the nerve to get mad at me for getting
upset. He even told me that he was planning on trying anal sex again
tonight (Valentine's day) but now we're not going to, because I got
upset the night before. It's been over 2 weeks since that day, and he
hasn't made any attempt to try since. So if he was really ready to try
then, why hasn't it happened in the past 2 weeks? I do believe these
are all excuses to not have sex with me.


It does make me wonder what is going on. Is he cheating on me? He
tells me he's still attracted to me but makes absolutely no effort to
make our sex life better. I've told him it's not just about anal sex
either, i'm happy with anything at this point, but we only mess around
once a week. He told me recently that he is horny all the time and
masturbates to porn on his computer just about every night he doesn't
stay over at my place. He only stays over 2-3 nights a week. So he is
masturbating the other 4-5 nights, and we're having sex 1 night a week.



I do love him very much, and believe that he loves me. We spend a lot
of time together, we cuddle a lot and he is so sweet towards me, he
just has no interest in sex with me. Everything else is great, but this
sex issue is just getting out of hand. I've never felt so undesirable
and unattractive in my life, and he doesn't seem to want to go out of
his way or make any attempt to make me feel better. If he really loved
me, wouldn't he see that I have needs that are not being met? Even the
one time per week that we do mess around, I feel like he's just doing
it to shut me up. Also, once we do mess around that one time, there is
no hope that we're going to do anything the next morning or day, it's
like he feels like he got the weekly chore out of the way, so we'll see
what happens next weekend! We rarely make out anymore either, we do
kiss which is nice, but the passionate making out like we used to do,
is very rare also.



I'm sorry this is so long, I would love any advice anyone can offer, I just don't know what to do anymore!

[curt-88]

Holy

He sounds alot like my EX Boyfriend !!!

We started seeing eachother less and less as he sheated on me more and more.

Good luck i am sorry i dont have any advice to offer you .

[AgentWashington]

Would the experience and advice of a straight woman be welcome?

[Jungle Rabbit]

Of course! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[AgentWashington]

Well, take this for what it's worth. Obviously I can't possibly know the circumstances surrounding you and your boyfriend, or what either he or you are or have gone through, but I'll offer up a bit of my own personal experience.

My ex-fiance had a very, very active libido. I'm more... average. Still, we enjoyed a pretty balanced life between our two desires.

But about six months after we got engaged, we had a lot of bumps hit our life. Money was tight, and I was getting less and less hours at my job. He was being less than thrifty with his check and not really seeming to notice or care that he wasn't really contributing his share to the bills, and my check wasn't covering nearly what it used to. He and my parents weren't getting along, and all this was really just wearing me down to threadbare on my ability to cope.

When I get stressed, I pretty much lose any interest in sex. And since he was kinda being a dick about not paying his share, even if I had felt in the mood, I really wasn't wanting to have sex with him.

To add to that, he did very little around the house to help, so when I'd get home I'd have to do a bunch of housework, and then yeah, I was tired. I had worked all day, came home and worked some more, and just wanted to sleep. Physically and emotionally, I just was not up for sex, because he was not providing any sort of support that I would need to be physically or emotionally capable of having sex.

Now here's where the advice starts: Yes. I know not being able to be intimate with your boyfriend sucks on multiple levels. But sex, especially as a "bottom" (be that a girl or a guy), is about the most invasive act that can be performed on you, which when you're feeling open and free and wonderful and in love is ... well the best thing in the world.

But when you're stressed and irritated and uncertain and all that, the last thing you want is to be invaded upon by anyone, especially if they're the ones contributing to the stress and irritation.

The problem between us was, he never wanted to give me the right to not want sex. There was no 'reason' good enough, no 'excuse' that he would accept as to why he should go without. The way he saw it, I was denying him something he had a right to. And he was getting angry.

I'm sorry, but sex MUST be a mutual experience. The more a person approaches it with a demanding "I have a right" attitude, the less you feel like having anything to do with them.

As I said, I don't know the particulars of your situation, but I really felt that what you wrote about your Valentines day experience was very similar to how I felt in my last relationship.

Once that feeling of 'safety' with a partner is broken, it can take a long time to start to seek it again. Give him the benefit of believing that he had been wanting to have sex that night, and understand that by getting angry at him previously, you may have emotionally hurt him to where he drew back away from you to protect himself. And that isn't something that is healed or 'fixed' overnight.

Sometimes sex can be the opposite of intimacy. If I wanted to just be held, he couldn't give me that. He wanted what he wanted, but failed to realize that I wasn't getting what I needed in order to give him that. What I needed was to feel safe with him, but I can't feel safe with someone who is getting angry at me that I'm 'not in the mood'. I can't feel intimate with someone who seems to value their dick over my feelings.

Yes, I realize that sex for men is somewhat different than for women, but I think on an emotional level, there is still a need to feel safe with your partner. If you are getting angry at your boyfriend because he doesn't want sex, stop and really think.

I would say the best, the absolute best thing you can do for him, yourself, and your relationship is to sit down and really talk about what he's feeling, why he isn't comfortable, what's making him tired, and how you can help him.

Be understanding, listen. Your relationship, I would hope!, is based on more than sex, but a lack of sex can often be the indication that it's the other areas of the relationship that are suffering.

If, when this all began, he had experienced something that perhaps made him feel more withdrawn, then a lack of understanding could have pushed him away.

Try to accept that, for whatever reason, he just isn't able to be intimate with you in that way, and see if you can work out with him what that reason might be and how you can work with him to try to repair whatever has happened.

It might take a while, but if what he is feeling is anything close to what I was feeling, the more understanding you can be, and the more 'non-sex intimacy' you can share, the safer he'll feel with you emotionally, and when the rest of your relationship is in good working order, I can almost guarantee that sex will return to being awesome as it was in the beginning.

[AgentWashington]

Oh, one last thing...

Not wanting sex is not the same as rejecting you. It's about how he is feeling. What you wrote about still cuddling and him being so sweet... that, to me, says he really loves you. There's just something getting in the way of that love being expressed through sexual intimacy.


It can be very hard, but try to consciously separate the two concepts, not wanting sex vs. no wanting *you*, and it might be easier to not be angry.

[Jungle Rabbit]

Interesting take AgentWashington, thanks!

I do understand what you're saying and it makes sense. I will say though, I don't get angry at him for not wanting sex. When I got upset on Valentine's day, I didn't get mad at him, it just made me feel horribly rejected and frustrated. Most nights I'm able to just deal with it myself and keep it inside. It's just when it happens 2 or 3 nights in a row, I start to really believe he's just not into me and it really kills me.

Our relationship is not just about sex (obviously, we haven't really had much in the last year). Everything else is great, he's a great cuddle companion and we have so much fun together! I just dont understand why he always seems to be in such a great mood and so excited to be around me, but sex is just not on his radar anymore.

What is your take on him seemingly having no interest in sex with me, but masturbating 4 or 5 nights a week when he's home by himself? Or him posting/replying to sex ad's on the internet? If he really has just been too stressed out or tired for sex with me, why would he go out of his way to do that?

[fredv3b]

JR,

I think you need to talk to him. He clearly isn't interested in / doesn't feel capable of sex with you at the moment, but, on the other hand his sex drive still seems to be there. There is something specific about sex between you and him that is the problem, I don't know what that is but its plainly there. Just to give you an example of what that sort of thing could be, he may have lost confidence in satisfying you, and so finds an inability to perform stressful, and so would rather not have sex with you.

My best advice talk to him, choose a relaxed time, don't let it get confrontational, don't let it get about the sex that you are not getting, keep it about how he used to enjoy sex with you and now doesn't any more, say that you want to be able to give him a good time in bed again.

Just my tuppence worth...

[marshlander]

Hi, JR, big hugs to you and sorry that you and your partner seem to be having such a tough time.

Lots of food for thought in the above responses. Whilst any of them could be a picture of what's happening for him my initial response was that he's getting it elsewhere. I'm not sure if that's a reflection of my twisted outlook or of only hearing one side of the story :redface: but if you want to salvage anything here you have to find a way of talking. The only option I can see otherwise is that you wait for events to take their course risk the situation becoming even more difficult.

Best wishes to you both. Hope you can set the ball rolling in the right direction.

[peterinmalaga]

I don't think he is necessarily having sex with someone else. Masturbating is much easier than having sex with your partner and he undoubtedly needs an outlet, so it's the obvious answer when there are problems. Going onto dating websites doesn't necessarily mean that he intends to have sex with another guy. He may just want the fantasy. The reality may be another matter.
This is a little risky but it might give you greater certainty (if that is what you want) – ask him if he would prefer an open relationship. If he says yes, then that would suggest to me that he might well be unfaithful at some time or other. If he gives you an unequivocal no, then that suggests the risk of him going astray is not that great. Either way you two need to do a lot of frank talking about both your sexual needs and how they can be met. Agent Washington's post makes a lot of sense to me and it would definitely be worthwhile giving her suggestions a try before you take more drastic measures. Confrontation would almost certainly result in a deterioration of the situation in my opinion.