Came out to my best friend...and it sucked

[jdash999]

My best friend is my roomate.

We used to spend hours upon hours just hanging out together. We were inseparable. He thought of me as a brother, essentially.

Unfortunately, I thought of him as a surrogate boyfriend.

He started liking a girl and was hiding it from me. So I snooped around his stuff and found out who he's flirting with. He caught me snooping and we had a big row about it. I was getting more and more jealous and territorial over him and he didn't really understand why I was acting that way.

He expressed concern about my weird behavior. He said I should seek help because I seemed disturbed. This prompted me to come out to him a few days later via AOL Messenger.

We had a big conversation about it on AIM and he pretty much says he feels betrayed. He also thought it was shady/creepy of me because he thinks I hid the fact that I was gay from him to "gain an advantage" such as seeing him scantily clad, etc.

I guess my timing was bad. He was studying for two big tests and so he has plenty of things to worry about, let alone having to deal with the bomb I just dropped on him.

I've told my friends and they said to give him space. So I've been trying to avoid him at all costs to not have to see him face to face, which is hard because we are room mates. It's been five days and he still hasn't talked to me since our initial conversation.

I really want him back as a friend, but the more days that pass, the more I feel like I should accept that I've lost my best friend.

Any advice on the issue would be appreciated. I've pretty much tried to just not think about him the past few days but it's hard. When you spend 15 hours a day hanging out with a friend, and all of a sudden its yanked away, it's a hard adjustment.

Your advice and replies will be greatly appreciated. If you need me to reciprocate, let me know.

[sox-and-the-city]

Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear....

What a mess. I can analyse what you've told us away for hours and get nowhere except perhaps undermining your confidence in your friendship and in your actions, which isn't gonna be productive. So i'll be brief. What were you thinking, snooping around after him?? Feeling possessive over someone is one thing, but interfering in their life is a whole other kettle of fish. Furthermore, saying you thought of him as a surrogate boyfriend as reasoning really doesn't butter any parsnips. You messed up there.

That said, i'm not without sympathy for you, and i can empathise totally. I spent several months jealously stopping a girl i know getting with the guy she liked cos i happened to like him too. I can't justify or excuse my behaviour but i did what i did and i can't take it back. So i understand how you feel.

Until you can master yourself, you need to put distance between yourself and this guy, otherwise you'll find it impossible to repair the damage should the opportunity arise. His reaction, while rash and harsh, is understandable given your possessive behaviour. I'm not saying it won't hurt that he's said those things about you and i'm sure that when the time comes he'll retract them.

Your timing in coming out to him wasn't really opportune, and that may harm your efforts, sadly. I think that taking your friends advice is what you need, at least for now. If he's not ready to talk about it or move on from it yet then there's nothing to be done but give it time. Do you have other people you could maybe hang with in the meantime??

Don't think that the fact he had exams on has any bearing on your friendship with him OR your sexuality. If he's got exams to think about he'll think about exams. That whole issue is not related, to try not to worry about that.

If he's really as good a friend as you say he is, then he'll get over it and wise up to what a friend he has in you. If not then remember the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter. It may be a cliché but there are shades of truth to it.

May i ask are you out generally, to the world at large??

p.s having read this over, it sounds a lot harsher than i meant it to. For that i apologise.

[fredv3b]

Unfortunately, I thought of him as a surrogate boyfriend.

Bad move, but I can see how it can happen, and how I might have ended up feeling the same if I was in your position.

My suggestion. Apologise, if he really is a friend he will forgive you.

Also you need to accept that if he finds a girl that he is interested in that is interested in him then you need to be happy for him. To be honest, it sounds as if you could do with having a proper boyfriend, a lot easier said than done I know.

Just my tuppence worth...

[jdash999]

Thanks for the quick reply.

I'm out to a very select set of friends. I have other people to hang out with, but my room mate was essentially my social life since we spent so much time together.

You weren't mean at all. You were very subjective and understanding.

I really hope he comes around. I'm gonna take this time off with him as a positive: to distance myself from him and to maybe make new friends. But in the long run, I do want him back as a friend. We got to know each other very well and our personalities just meshed. He probably knows more about me than anyone else alive. That's how close we were.

[princealbertofb]

Good luck then jdash... mile:

[albabonzai]

"as reasoning really doesn't butter any parsnips"

I stopped reading at that and fell in love with the saying.......

[fredv3b]

Thanks Baz, I missed that one. I love it too.

[sox-and-the-city]

What?? Is it an unusual saying?? I say it all the time, picked it up from an old friend who had a whole roster of sayings like that...

[fredv3b]

New to me. I'd love to hear more of this friend's sayings.

[peterinmalaga]

We all make mistakes and the main thing is to learn from them. I think your friend will probably get over it in the end. Sox and Fred have given you good advice, so I'll just wish you Good Luck.


PS I think parsnips are nearly as good as sex – and I've had a lot of parsnips!