Getting over the Ex..

[Adzz02]

Heya Guys!

Basically, me and my ex broke up about week and half ago. The first few days was hard, saying how we miss each other so much, but then he 'changed'. He started texing me these wierd texts like its hard to explain but it wasnt him?
Anyway, he started saying how i have messed his life up so much and wants me to leave him alone, which i said i will try! Then he was fine with me again, and said he keeps having 'mood swings'.

... Anyway i said the best thing for me to do to leave him would be block his msn then i wont contact him. So i did. He then messaged me on FB and we were talking normally.
I think it was Tuesday i had an email from him saying something like Thank you for messing my life up even more, leave me alone and ive deleted u from MSN and FB.
... I replied why, but never got an answer. So i didnt text him, try to contact him in anyway, just thought its best to give him space. However, i went to a local gay bar on Weds and he was there. I just ignored him and walked away. I was crying in the toilets, cos it hurt so much not being able to just say Hi. Yesterday was a really hard day emotiionally cos i felt horrible about it all. He randomly text me saying once again how he is so angry at me, hates me, wants me out his life, ive driven him to more suicide attempts (He was/is seeing a doctor about his problems). I replied saying that i dont want to play his little games anymore, and that im moving on type thing.

... I dont know why he is being so aggressive at me for no reason. We broke up on good terms, but he has become something i would never want to be back with. I always tried to help him with his illness, and i feel i treated him amazingly, spoiling him, buying him things when he had no money.

Sorry its a bit long! I had to 'sum up' the texts and rephrase some words so its not offensive!
Has anyone got any advice on this? Thank you x

[colinmackay]

Has anyone got any advice on this? Thank you x

I was in a relationship with someone who went a bit like this. I tried to end on amicable terms, but it wasn't to be.

I changed lots of things in order that I would be left in peace in order to regain my own sanity. Some of them as a precaution, others because it was necessary. New mobile number, new home number, new locks on the doors(!), new email address, etc. etc. Even my parents received phone calls.

Eventually, all communication went through a solicitor.

The best way forward, I think, is to try as best you can to keep away from him.

xx

[Synaesthete]

The reason for his behaviour is his problems.

Ever heard the saying "we hurt the ones we love". It is true. Aggression, claiming to hate you, nasty words, trying to hurt you, keep contacting you to tell you to stop contacting him... he doesn't hate you. Feelings do not just switch from one to another. The love you had for each other is still there, but the expression of it becomes very distorted when the person has problems.

The thing is, if someone has problems, no one else other than themselves can fix them. We can help and love and support... but not fix. You were good to him. There could be a million things he hates, possibly even himself... but not one of those things is you.

What you might want to try is to offer love, but from a distance. Keep in your mind the fact he has problems, and remember the good person that he is inside. He has changed how he treats you, does not mean you have to change how you treat him. You can love him from a distance. You don't have to become aggressive towards him or defensive. Anytime he contacts you, if you feel the desire to respond, just respond with something neutral but respectful. Love him, from a distance, but also love yourself. Try not to end up hating him, because that will damage you. Accept how he is being, but don't become involved.

Remember, he is acting irrationally because of his problems. You don't have to change how you behave. Be the one with the open heart and open mind and carry on with your life.

Hope this makes sense.

[Adzz02]

Thank you for the replies! !
rsconceptions i totally agree with you with the whole issues/problems he is having. When we split i told him i will still be here to support you etc and be a mate. Its just so hard when he is saying how i have messed his whole life up, he says the last year has been a joke/waste and everything he says is always so hurtful, it makes me not hate him, but like him less and its making my love die for him.
I obviously still love him, cant get over him but its so hard when he treats me like this x

[Synaesthete]

Of course it is. You love him, he is in your heart, so of course you will feel hurt when he tries to hurt you.

The only thing you can really do is make yourself be strong. Make yourself remember that he is not really in his "right mind". I am not saying he is mentally sick or anything, just that when someone is acting on behalf of the problems they have... of course they are not going to act rationally, reasonably etc. He is consumed in his pain, so he tries to hurt others.

What can you do to hold him in your heart with love?

Perhaps imagine that, at the moment, he is someone else. Which essentially is true because every human being has multiple personalities.

NOTE however that when I say "make yourself be strong" - I do NOT mean ignore your feelings and PRETEND it is all OK. On the contrary, your feelings are of the utmost importance. You must acknowledge and embrace your feelings, cry when you need to, grieve etc. What you need to ignore however is the extra hurt he is trying to throw at you, because it is all unnecessary. Imagine if you will he is throwing physical objects at you. You would duck and avoid. Because really... he does not mean this. In his heart he is calling out for healing. Just as you are.

Also remember that the only Time that really matters is the present moment... not the past and not the future. All the time you spent with him is NOT a waste at all. Because it was utterly important at the exact time it was happening. It played an important part in your life and in his. You shared and learned a lot. And you experienced love. Such life experiences are never a waste. Again, he is just attacking anything you two shared with each other in an attempt to hurt you.

If you asked the highest and most real part of his personality whether or not he means to hurt you the answer would be "no".

[Adzz02]

Yeah, i think your right! Thank you so much!
All i want is all this to like blow over, and in time become friends and strong friends at that! I would hate not to be able to speak to him.

Thanks again! !! x