Advice please about my little brother

[Anonymous]

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Last week, my little brother came over to my place. He is 16 years old. I let him use my laptop to log onto his facebook account. He was on my computer for a few hours and was very secretive about what he was looking at. After he left, and I logged onto my computer, I noticed he logged onto some gay porn sites.

He is very straight acting. He has a girlfriend, he tells me about hot girls at his school, he is homophobic. He used to have his hair dyed blonde, but cut it when his friends joked he looked like Bruno. When he says something that could be even remotely considered gay (such as telling a male friend who is going through a hard time that he loves him), he always follows up with "No Homo!"

So, basically, I'm not sure if he is very closeted, or if he looked up the gay sites because he is curious about what other men look like and how he compares. So, my question is, should I talk to him and let him know what I found, or just let it go? I don't want to embarrass him, or force him out before he is ready, if he is gay, but I want to let him know I am here for him, and that I love and care about him no matter what. I don't care if he is gay, he is my brother.

Sorry if it is long, but my brother is coming over again tomorrow, and I don't know if I should bring this up or not. What do you guys think?

Last week, my little brother came over to my place. He is 16 years old. I let him use my laptop to log onto his facebook account. He was on my computer for a few hours and was very secretive about what he was looking at. After he left, and I logged onto my computer, I noticed he logged onto some gay porn sites.

He is very straight acting. He has a girlfriend, he tells me about hot girls at his school, he is homophobic. He used to have his hair dyed blonde, but cut it when his friends joked he looked like Bruno. When he says something that could be even remotely considered gay (such as telling a male friend who is going through a hard time that he loves him), he always follows up with "No Homo!"

So, basically, I'm not sure if he is very closeted, or if he looked up the gay sites because he is curious about what other men look like and how he compares. So, my question is, should I talk to him and let him know what I found, or just let it go? I don't want to embarrass him, or force him out before he is ready, if he is gay, but I want to let him know I am here for him, and that I love and care about him no matter what. I don't care if he is gay, he is my brother.

We have a really good relationship, and he knows he can tell me anything. If it helps, I don't think the rest of the family would be very accepting, but I also would never tell anyone else.

Sorry if it is long, but my brother is coming over again tomorrow, and I don't know if I should bring this up or not. What do you guys think?

[Amigo]

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Last week, my little brother came over to my place. He is 16 years old. I let him use my laptop to log onto his facebook account. He was on my computer for a few hours and was very secretive about what he was looking at. After he left, and I logged onto my computer, I noticed he logged onto some gay porn sites.

He is very straight acting. He has a girlfriend, he tells me about hot girls at his school, he is homophobic. He used to have his hair dyed blonde, but cut it when his friends joked he looked like Bruno. When he says something that could be even remotely considered gay (such as telling a male friend who is going through a hard time that he loves him), he always follows up with "No Homo!"

So, basically, I'm not sure if he is very closeted, or if he looked up the gay sites because he is curious about what other men look like and how he compares. So, my question is, should I talk to him and let him know what I found, or just let it go? I don't want to embarrass him, or force him out before he is ready, if he is gay, but I want to let him know I am here for him, and that I love and care about him no matter what. I don't care if he is gay, he is my brother.

Sorry if it is long, but my brother is coming over again tomorrow, and I don't know if I should bring this up or not. What do you guys think?

Last week, my little brother came over to my place. He is 16 years old. I let him use my laptop to log onto his facebook account. He was on my computer for a few hours and was very secretive about what he was looking at. After he left, and I logged onto my computer, I noticed he logged onto some gay porn sites.

He is very straight acting. He has a girlfriend, he tells me about hot girls at his school, he is homophobic. He used to have his hair dyed blonde, but cut it when his friends joked he looked like Bruno. When he says something that could be even remotely considered gay (such as telling a male friend who is going through a hard time that he loves him), he always follows up with "No Homo!"

So, basically, I'm not sure if he is very closeted, or if he looked up the gay sites because he is curious about what other men look like and how he compares. So, my question is, should I talk to him and let him know what I found, or just let it go? I don't want to embarrass him, or force him out before he is ready, if he is gay, but I want to let him know I am here for him, and that I love and care about him no matter what. I don't care if he is gay, he is my brother.

We have a really good relationship, and he knows he can tell me anything. If it helps, I don't think the rest of the family would be very accepting, but I also would never tell anyone else.

Sorry if it is long, but my brother is coming over again tomorrow, and I don't know if I should bring this up or not. What do you guys think?

He's your brother, right?

Brothers should be able to talk about anything. So just talk to him about it.

[colinmackay]

He's your brother, right?

Brothers should be able to talk about anything. So just talk to him about it.

It depends on the relationship. You might thing brothers "should" be able to talk about anything, but the world is full of complications. It may not be that easy.

I "should" be able to talk to my dad about anything, but I can't. I'm sure he'd be very receptive to most conversations I'd like to have, but I can't initiate those conversations.

[colinmackay]

He is very straight acting. He has a girlfriend, he tells me about hot girls at his school, he is homophobic. He used to have his hair dyed blonde, but cut it when his friends joked he looked like Bruno. When he says something that could be even remotely considered gay (such as telling a male friend who is going through a hard time that he loves him), he always follows up with "No Homo!"

When I was closeted, especially in my teens and early twenties I would get very offended if anyone did anything that remotely suggested I was gay. I don't think I made any homophobic remarks (I certainly hope not!) but I don't remember.

So, basically, I'm not sure if he is very closeted, or if he looked up the gay sites because he is curious about what other men look like and how he compares. So, my question is, should I talk to him and let him know what I found, or just let it go? I don't want to embarrass him, or force him out before he is ready, if he is gay, but I want to let him know I am here for him, and that I love and care about him no matter what. I don't care if he is gay, he is my brother.

He may be curious, he may not be. If he is gay he's certainly in a lot of denial right now and what he needs most of all, I think, is an openly gay positive role model more than anything to show him that it's okay. Anyway, that's what I needed, but I didn't find one until I was 34.

Sorry if it is long, but my brother is coming over again tomorrow, and I don't know if I should bring this up or not. What do you guys think?

I honestly don't know whether you should speak with him about it. It may drive him away until he's ready to accept himself. But then again, knowing someone that accepts him as he is can be very empowering.

[marshlander]

First of all, your little brother is very lucky to have someone like you to look out for him. The process of coming out is tricky and first involves coming out to ourselves. I sometimes envy those people who approach adolescence just knowing they are gay. That wasn't something I could accept until much, much later.

If he's going to use your computer to surf porn sites you might ask him to do you the courtesy of cleaning up after he's finished! I mean that not everyone is going to want their recent browsing history displayed in glorious technicolour for the next user to see as seems to happen now with some web-browsers. What if the next user had been an elderly relative with a heart problem or your church-going next-door-neighbour? :eek: I would probably use this as light-hearted way into a conversation with him and offer to show him how to delete recent browsing history if he doesn't already know. You might find that gives you some opportunity to have a more useful discussion with him. As Colin already suggested, you might encounter resistance if you try to push him into a conversation he is unable or unwilling to have, but your assurance of love and support is going to be important in keeping those channels of communication open. However, if he is computer-savvy enough to know about covering his tracks already, it could be that this is a step towards coming out. Maybe he's trying to gauge your reaction?

Just a thought, but if he is using porn sites to satisfy a normal curiosity about what other males look like they can be pretty dispiriting, no matter what other thrills they might offer. Porn stars are unrealistic models for most of us in the comparison stakes :redface: There are other sites that show men in a more realistic light, in all our amazing variety. If you or he can't find any of those amongst the clatter of porn sites in a web search I'm sure we can come up with some recommendations!

Best of luck with your little bro.

[Amigo]

It depends on the relationship. You might thing brothers "should" be able to talk about anything, but the world is full of complications. It may not be that easy.

I "should" be able to talk to my dad about anything, but I can't. I'm sure he'd be very receptive to most conversations I'd like to have, but I can't initiate those conversations.

So you're not very close with your brothers and your father?

That's too bad...

[Wintereis]

Well, was he looking at gay porn that you had been viewing or was he finding it on his own? It could be the difference between curiosity about your life and curiosity about his own.

[clarke33]

You don't say if you are out to him. If he doesn't know you are gay then unlikely he will confide in you, esp as he demonstrates a homophobic streak.

And looking through his web history is no different to looking through his mobile phone. It demonstrates a lack of trust between you. Another reason that he will not respond kindly if you confront him over his browsing habits.

[marshlander]

Hmm, I think if someone borrowed my computer I wouldn't have to go hunting to find out his browsing habits. I'd soon know if something were different. I think this is not the same thing as checking through someone else's mobile phone. :confused:

[Kiid]

Any way if he is or isn't gay your could make it so that you are always accepting of gays. Try and make him not use homophobic terms too.