Some emotional consequences of coming out ...

[marshlander]

... when finally I was able to acknowledge my sexual orientation, that I was in a very dizzy and emotional state. I remember feeling that a lifetime's worth of suppressed emotional responses surfaced all at once. It was a hell of a difficult time.

Yes, that has been the most, emmm, upsetting thing about all this. I can see that, both on a daily basis, and in some big choices I've made in life, I've skewed my freakin' self to not seem gay.

Would you share more about your experiences - in realizing inside that you were gay and in letting out your emotions? Do you have any advice on how to unsuppress?

Maybe we should start a new thread about this topic.

This is some of the discussion that happened elsewhere on the forum, complete with a request to discuss this other issue in a separate thread.
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I'm a slow learner. I reached middle age before I could acknowledge to myself that I liked being with men, even though the evidence of my thoughts and my behaviour shouldn't have made it such a mystery to me. I wondered if could be bisexual and while I was trying to work all this out I met someone online and we became very good IRC buddies. He was very easy to chat to. We finally met in real life for a drink and a talk one evening and I became infatuated with the poor guy. I had become so used to not feeling anything over most of my adult life that this really was like a bottle being uncorked and the emotions just flowed out. I was completely out of control and I hated it, but at the same time I had never felt so alive. I could not have engineered this response, because I had no idea I was actually capable of responding emotionally - long a complaint from the woman to whom I had been married for over twenty years, sadly. Of course, things were never the same after this and there was no way I was going to put the cork back in the bottle. My marriage relationship had always been difficult, but I had made a vow to myself many years previously that I would stay, come what may, until the children were independent. I guess I just learned to switch everything off during that time. After I came out to my wife, we endured five years of hell before I finally moved out to stay with my father and she divorced me.

To be honest, I don't know what to suggest in terms of "unsuppressing" emotions. I know what happened to me, but I don't recommend it at all. It was frightening.

These days I feel far more stable and at ease with myself and I have a most wonderful man in my life.

[vislok]

That sounds very powerful. Of the emotions that came up, was there one feeling that stood out? Rage, or sadness? Or was it love, finally feeling love?

Your story is encouraging to me, as I've never been able to love, or feel loved by, the women I've had long-term relationships with. I had one good kiss once. I've always felt emotionally attracted to men, though. And now that I'm beginning to allow myself to consciously explore that, it's strong.

It sounds like the key for you for "unsuppressing" your feelings was a connection. Maybe you connected with that person about a particular issue? One time in my past when I had a huge emotional release, not about my sexuality though, was in listening to someone describe a situation they went through and realizing - and I guess internalizing - that that's me too. Maybe it's intimacy in general that does it.

[colinmackay]

I came out at 35 (I may have mentioned this). From the point that I came out and found that my friends were accepting of me has given me a new found confidence. I love life much more than I ever did. I've now found a boyfriend and our relationship just seems to get better every day.

From an emotional point of view. I felt very angry that I'd lied to myself for so long. I initially felt scared that my friends may have thought I was a fraud for not being truthful with them (heck, how could I be? I wasn't truthful with myself!). I then did a lot to try and make up for lost time. One of my friends even commented "If I was as serious about being straight as Colin is about being gay, I'd be up to my tits in totty!". (The reality is, I wasn't actually promiscuous, I just like innuendo in humour and was finally able to express it freely so it may have given some that impression.)

[joseph]

i didint now about gay.i wonted a boyfrind and think t was sexy men. i thouht it its something wrong with me. after it i relised about gay and i love being proper gayman but i need a boyfrined . i wont a boyfrind and i wont to have sex!

[Genersis]

It has never bothered me that i'm gay.
I didn't relise I was untill a couple of years into secondary school, and to be honest i was way too busy to care!:redface:
I'M GAY! SO WHAT[SIZE=2]! (I'd think to myself...)[/SIZE]
I didn't start getting romantic urges untill my last year of school.
Now it feels like the only thing i think about!:redface:
Not 100% out yet though, hoping to be a little more inderpendant before then.

[WhitesnoW]

I'm so glad you were able to take your first breath of uncoditional love! I know what it means to admit to yourself that your gay! It feels amazing and everlasting. It feels like something biblical has been released from a mind prison slavery. Words cannot explain it! But of course I still have trouble comming out to my friends then every one But I'm glad you are able to come out and overcome those challenges. Good luck on your new found relationship!

[fredv3b]

On the topic of supressing feelings. We supressing our feelings because we believe, rightly or wrongly, that if we don't something bad will happen. Unsupressing feelings is about challenging that belief. Try thinking about your feelings, did anything bad happen? Then you can try thinking about them when you are somewhere public. The idea is to prove to yourself that feelings of being attracted to men don't lead to terrible consequences.

[Boysstuff]

I am really happy that marchlander is more stable and at ease with his life, it must have been very difficult for people from his generation to come out. ( gosh I hope that does not sound to rude, I am very clumsy at putting my thoughts accross). I wish marchlander and his partner good health and good fortunes in the years to come. His partner sounds like a very sweat person.

[matty7]

On the topic of supressing feelings. We supressing our feelings because we believe, rightly or wrongly, that if we don't something bad will happen. Unsupressing feelings is about challenging that belief. Try thinking about your feelings, did anything bad happen? Then you can try thinking about them when you are somewhere public. The idea is to prove to yourself that feelings of being attracted to men don't lead to terrible consequences.

,

i loved that parragraph Fred, i thought things would be more negative when coming out to friends - turns out the opposite was true, were closer now than ever.

also i must thank marshlander too - ive taken plenty of advice from threads you have added to GS, really happy you and Princealbert have found each other - i always mention you two and other regulars like joseph when i talk to mates about gayspeak

[marshlander]

Wow! Thank you everyone for your contributions to this thread. I find this subject a very emotional one and it seems it may be the same for some of you too.

Just to put right a potential misunderstanding brought about by my confusing use of language, it is not the "unsuppressing" of emotion I don't recommend, but the route my journey took during that process. In order to move forward I had to hurt some of the people I love most in the world. That to me was the most painful consequence. I might have been able to tackle this whole process differently, but I did what I did and I am what I am (couldn't possibly be more gay than that, now, could I? )

Vislock, there was not one emotion that stood out for me. The overwhelming feeling was that it was all of them, all at once :eek: I think you are right, though, when you say that a connection was the key for me. When I became friends with, and fell for, the man I mentioned I was reminded that I had experienced these feelings in the past, including particularly strongly as a teenager. I did not identify them as "love" because I think I was already beginning to compartmentalise my feelings. Rather, I characterised these feelings as unreciprocated friendships. It hurt too much to feel that I was investing more into some of these very special friendships, so I had to learn to switch it all off.

Fred, I really like your statement about this process being about challenging belief. Of course belief is very powerful whatever its foundation, but particularly so when it is established within a formal system that preaches exclusive "truth". It has taken me most of my life to come to realise that even religious organisations can be challenged. I guess I'm trying to make up for lost time in that department

Ben, of course I don't consider your comment rude. I AM older than you! I am just so pleased that your generation doesn't have to experience what some of us oldies have seen. The fight is by no means over, but there is no doubt that this time is generally a far better one for gay men in particular (I shall refrain from making a judgement about what the comparison is like for lesbians, transgendered and intersexed people, because I really cannot make that judgement). At least there is little likelihood, for example, of being set up in a police entrapment in the foreseeable future!

Matty and WhitesnoW, thanks for your kind comments. I've left PA behind in France today and have to go into thinking about work mode now. PA and I have enjoyed more than seven fab years together. I can't think of anyone else with whom I would want to share my life. I am already looking forward so much to being with him again. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

I find the attitudes of our younger people quite inspirational. Joseph never ceases to amaze me and Genersis, who sometimes seems to have a bit of a confidence thing going on, can just say "It's never bothered me that I'm gay". I could not have said that at his age.

When I read stories like Colin's I just glow at the thought that another person has managed to turn his life round and find something so important.

Thanks again, everyone.