My needs or a slut?

[colinmackay]

I love chocolate and I love ice-cream, but sometimes I just crave the sweet refreshing nutrition of raw fruit and vegetables.

For me, much as I love ice-cream, it wouldn't sustain me. A string of sexual liaisons wouldn't sustain me either. What sustains me is the love and security of being in a relationship with the man I love who I know loves me completely and without terms, conditions and strings.

That is a brilliant analogy. I completely agree with it.

[Gareth125]

Casual sexual encounters do have their place though , you could be trapped in a non sexual relationship , deciding to stay for other reasons , and a casual encounter may fit the bill because it satisfys the part of a realtionship that is missing . No strings , no commitment . I guess it also depends if the other partner knows it's happening or not and if there is deciet involved .

[marshlander]

Casual sexual encounters do have their place though , you could be trapped in a non sexual relationship , deciding to stay for other reasons , and a casual encounter may fit the bill because it satisfys the part of a realtionship that is missing . No strings , no commitment . I guess it also depends if the other partner knows it's happening or not and if there is deciet involved .

I suspect you are going to revisit these thoughts many times in the months and years to come. Of course, so is your partner. As far as I can see the partners in an arrangement like this have three main options:

1. They both acknowledge that they will each have to sacrifice the sex in order to keep the relationship going for the "other reasons". Most of us find celibacy too difficult to sustain for any length of time. I suspect that there are probably more women willing to subordinate sexual desire to a "higher" cause - parenting, for example - than men.
   
2. Both partners talk everything through and the need for sexual contact will be met by people outside the marriage. This generally ends up relying completely on the wife continuing to sanction the behaviour of her husband and in her continuing to feel that her needs are also being met. I imagine there are some people who can sustain a relationship like this. I've never met any. There are all sorts of inequalities built in to most arrangements of this kind, including, I think, the likelihood that both parties are not equally financially independent. In the unlikely event that the wife is able to divorce sex from the rest of the relationship this donkey cart topples over when one or other partner meets, and develops feelings for, a third party. The only way I can see this working is if both partners can enter this arrangement without either feeling coerced and with strict ground rules laid down and adhered to absolutely. It relies on emotions not being allowed to interfere and perceptions of one's self-worth remaining consistent. It is inherently unstable and I fear the tension will pull both parties further and further apart as they find their worlds inevitably diverging.
   
3. Lie and hope that (s)he doesn't forget what lies (s)he told to whom or get shopped by someone else. This is a very tough route. I've known some men keep this up for years, but it affects all their relationships with other people eventually and the pressure can lead to mental health problems.
   

Feeling "trapped" in any relationship is pretty unfulfilling :frown:

[Sil]

I personally am very weary of those who sleep around. Not only for the disease factor, but just more of the worry that they will continue to do so behind my back if they say they want to be with me. I thrive on monogamy, and hate the whole cheating concept altogether. Although I am not really opposed to open relationships, I just can't find myself being in one of those either.

I'm gonna join the prudes corner and say yeah, glad I'm not the only one who feels like this.

My ex used to do a lot of casual and one-nighters without really dating, and he was a hard guy to get along with for his promiscuity and lack of better judgement. Nice guy and everything, just really no restraint, 2 different guys in one night and other tales. I've been there and done the casual sex thing with friends, and it was always complicated.

It's just me, I gotta admit I do think it's kinda weird to fuck someone you've just met. And I mean literally just met; second date is fine but I recognise that those rulings are a little stupid.

Confused people who don't know what they want making other peoples lives a goddamn mess and then crying about their underlying issues and causes. I have to work really hard to have sympathy when you're on the recieving end and trying to do things the boring old fashioned way.

Answering more directly, it's the old double-standard for women and men; we don't realise we have it lucky but we can be labelled sluts too. Also it's interesting that a lot of the theories people put forward for open relationships work on a basis of being unattatched emotionally - which is not a way to live life, and I think most people into casual sex eventually see this. I find the whole thing a contradiction; it's like saying "watch this movie, but don't empathise, don't enjoy it. In fact, just don't really watch it at all, just follow the images. It'll kill a few hours."

that's my weird analogy. A better one might be eating to simply fill your belly, rather than tasting the food that satisfies you.

Expect me to eat my words when someday I break up and start having casual sex

[peterinmalaga]

Mary Magdalen hasn't had such a bad press and she screwed practically everybody, presumably. The clever bit was to screw Jesus too. I think if you screw the rich and famous, you actually go up in people's esteem.
On a more serious note, I think people should have whatever sex they fancy if they are not in a relationship, because it's really nobody else's business what we do. And one of the few advantages of not being rich and famous is that most intelligent people don't really care too much about your sex life.