Temptation and coping with it

[LearningToLoveMyself]

I posted a thread a while back where I mentioned how last year I'd been happily in my relationship for several years and suddenly I met someone else. Our relationship survived, but it left me questioning the whole thing.

It's almost a year on, and I've had a certain amount of psychotherapy in an attempt to unknot my head on the stay/leave question. I'm about 90% decided to stay and things are a lot better. I've also been looking into meditation and have branched out somewhat in terms of socialising and interests.

Unfortunately I'm at the point where I believe I have two conflicting desires:

1) I want to be in a stable, happy, monogamous relationship with someone I care about and enjoy the company of.

vs

2) I want to fall in love all over again just to feel the rush of emotion and the deep pleasure of getting to know someone physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It's infuriating and a bit difficult to deal with.

What probably isn't helping is that I had an upbringing that resulted in me having a lack of self-confidence and a lack of self-esteem, which it's taken years to get over...but now I feel a lot better and have found to my surprise that I'm widely well-regarded, to the point that I've had a half-dozen offers over the last six months from various lovely guys who would love to develop a relationship with me. It's all very flattering and ego-boosting, but also puts some serious temptation my way. I feel like I already failed the first "test" by getting too involved with the hunk from last year.

What I want to ask is, for the people who are in, or have been in, committed, long-term relationships:

Do you have the same issues? How do you deal with it? How do you cope with wanting conflicting things? I'm guessing no two answers would be the same, but it might help me to figure out how to cope.

[marshlander]

I know what you mean, but maybe I'm at a stage in my life where my head can have a little influence over other parts. I just know it couldn't be any better with someone else. Why should I look? Sure the rush in the initial part of a relationship can be amazing, but I think I prefer the confidence of not having to question everything while I'm getting to know someone.

[JtheYoungBear]

That was my most recent situation, however, things were not all that well with my ex and I. A lot of conflict, and his nastiness just made me cut him loose once and for all. In the meantime, I did meet a guy who was a close friend, and now we're slowly trying the partner thing. So far, things are working out, but we're learning more about each other, and seeing where things go. So far, I'm happy, but it would be nice to be comfortable.

[fredv3b]

2) I want to fall in love all over again just to feel the rush of emotion and the deep pleasure of getting to know someone physically, mentally, and emotionally.

That feeling is necessarily short-lived. Do you really think that moving from relationship to relationship will make you happy? Sometimes happiness comes from making the best of what we have.

[eastofeden]

Unfortunately I'm at the point where I believe I have two conflicting desires:

1) I want to be in a stable, happy, monogamous relationship with someone I care about and enjoy the company of.

vs

2) I want to fall in love all over again just to feel the rush of emotion and the deep pleasure of getting to know someone physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It's infuriating and a bit difficult to deal with.

What probably isn't helping is that I had an upbringing that resulted in me having a lack of self-confidence and a lack of self-esteem, which it's taken years to get over...but now I feel a lot better and have found to my surprise that I'm widely well-regarded, to the point that I've had a half-dozen offers over the last six months from various lovely guys who would love to develop a relationship with me. It's all very flattering and ego-boosting, but also puts some serious temptation my way. I feel like I already failed the first "test" by getting too involved with the hunk from last year.

What I want to ask is, for the people who are in, or have been in, committed, long-term relationships:

Do you have the same issues? How do you deal with it? How do you cope with wanting conflicting things? I'm guessing no two answers would be the same, but it might help me to figure out how to cope.

I think there is a bit of addictive behavoir in the falling in love scenario...much like sex addiction or any other addiction. I wish I could help on the other but truthfully I have only really loved one man and he is my lover of 24 years...I find other men attractive sometimes and I know I am not in love with them nor would I want to be.

[JtheYoungBear]

That feeling is necessarily short-lived. Do you really think that moving from relationship to relationship will make you happy? Sometimes happiness comes from making the best of what we have.

Well said.

Seeing someone jumping from relationship to relationship (well, in my eyes) just does not have a clue as to what he / she wants, and really should take a cold, hard look at themself before making that committment to someone. Why spread the heartache around?

[LearningToLoveMyself]

That feeling is necessarily short-lived. Do you really think that moving from relationship to relationship will make you happy? Sometimes happiness comes from making the best of what we have.

That's exactly what bothers me. A friend of mine went out with a guy who, basically, meets people, goes out with them for a while, then gets bored, starts running them down, and finally dumps them. And he's done it over and over and over again.

I do not want to be like that.

The joyous feelings of falling in love are all well and good, but they come will all the heartache and unpleasantness too, and I don't want to inflict that on myself or anyone else.

But like I say, it's very attractive. As eastofeden says, it's like a drug.

[virgo3916]

Whew, I don't know what to say that give you the simple answer. I am struggling with the same thing. I have been completely caught off guard after meeting someone at a recent party. It has brought feeling in about feeling trapped but not necessarily because I want to be with the other person. It is so complicated, I am feeling guilty as I can't really complain about my current relationship but I know deep down that it is not meeting my needs emotionally and spiritually.