My bf found out that I watch porn

[matty7]

might be totally wrong here but sounds like your bf has been brought up to think masterbation and porn are wrong, imoral,etc maybe a strict family or a religeous background - ive yet to meet any guy ever who does not do either of those things, its just natural...i would explode if i dont do it 3 or 4 times a day and with the internet awash with porn its pretty hard not to look - if he compares masterbation to cheating then i think has some real hangups - hope u can work it out but dont let it make you feel guilty at any point

[Gareth125]

My view on it is quite simplistic .

It seems that the prob your boyfriend may have is his own insecurity . masturbation is perfectly normal and also for many guys watching porn is quite acceptable . It's fantasy and shud be seen as that. Just because you watch porn doesn't mean you love him any less , just an outlet for your own sexuality. If he were mature enough he would be able to see this and except that this is a way that you can address the issues regarding to different levels in sex drive you both have.

It sounds like he is using the issue of you watching porn to exert power and control over you .Does he try to control you in other ways in the relationship ? Tell him you hear what he is saying and that you feel you need to continue to watch porn , be assertive and he will either accept it or move on .

[SrChulo]

Can't thank you guys enough for your substantial replies. We talked again tonight... it... didn't necessarily get better. Last night we were great. He was affectionate, but he had thought that he had convinced me to not watch porn... anymore.

So tonight, I won't even go in to how it came up again, but it did. Here are some things I learned:

1. He masturbates, which he thinks is fine, but he doesn't use any material like porn. I tried explaining that I can't... do that.. i need something visual. I don't know if it was even worth explaining that. So the problem is the porn itself, not masturbating.

2. He does compare porn to cheating. He was putting them in the same category. He kept using a threesome or an affair as an example of how *I* would feel if the situation were reversed. I tried differentiating them ... not much luck there.

3. He thinks porn will lead to Gaydar, which will lead to cam, which will lead to sex..... oh man.

4. He was on a roll with his questions again. His sarcasm was really annoying. "Don't be sad.. this is something that is normal, like you said, that I have to deal with." (but with more than a hint of sarcasm in his voice). I want to just say "YES IT IS!!!" but I am not so brutal. He went on to suggest "maybe you should try to find other guys like you..." (I think this is all to manipulate me)...

When he asked his question of "How would you feel if I watched porn?" I actually did just come out and say that I'd understand. If we hadn't had sex in a couple weeks, and I walked in on him watching porn, I would understand and be happy that he wasn't cheating on me!! That's the truth. To this, he responded. "oh. okay." a "rolling eyes" type tone. "Well, i'm going to" 9_9

5. He would insist for me to stop thinking about it, everything is fine, don't be sad. All that is bullshit.... that's just another way of him to try to get to me. ugh....

So. The thing about our relationship is that we NEVER EVER argue... ever.. we've had an unbelievable 8 months. The only thing that bugs me about him is that he's constantly late, but he's Spanish, so... I give him a break. This is the most serious issue we've had, and I would hate to break up over an issue as stupid as this. He'd suggest "maybe we just need to be friends.... if our sex isn't working." (He thinks me watching porn means our sex isn't working...) But I think those statements are just to.... scare me into apologizing and begging for forgiveness.

I still have not said that I will stop watching porn all together. I'm considering what would happen if I say it though. Is it that out of the ordinary? What percentage of married men watch porn do you think? haha. Wouldn't girls get pissed if they found out their hetero bf watches porn? I mean, maybe I should tell him i'll cut back. But that implies that I do it a lot. I'd rather be a little discreet if it's still possible.

I suggested we talk to some 3rd party about it.. but he doesn't want to. He just doesn't see it my way. I tried to make the distinction between porn and cheating, threeways etc. He realized that they weren't entirely the same thing, but... it jut got me nowhere really. I've told him how much I care about him... which he KNOWS without a doubt.

I am leaving for a month or two in a few weeks. So he said "So, when I think of you and that I'm going to miss you, now I have to think, 'Oh, okay, he's watching porn and jacking off'." I replied, "isn't that better than fucking around???" and....basically he made no real distinction.

The fact of the matter is that he DOESN'T like it. He just doesn't. He doesn't want to think of his boyfriend watching it. He tells me the only end to this issue is that he needs to accept it about me and move on. Sounds great right? but yea, that's all sarcastic.

When I would try to go home tonight, he kept hanging on to the convo just as I'd leave. Like.. he'd pretend he was done talking, then he'd ask "So?? what are you thinking?" He wants to get more emotion out of me about it. So I don't think he's going to end our relationship on just this alone. I made it clear that it'd be stupid to end it on this. I told him I needed to think, because I was literally at a loss for words. He ususally gets over anything that's bugging him the next day. So we'll see. I"ll let you guys know. ughhh

[marshlander]

It all sounds rather trying. How much do you need all this pressure?

Some people are pleased to know their bf is watching porn and keeping the machinery in good working order for when it's required for the next time together. Much better than leaving the equipment to rust in the garage. Besides, it's yet another thing to share when they reunite. Some people love it that he can be specially thoughtful because he saves or bookmarks stuff he thinks I'll enjoy ... did I say "I"? OOPS! What a giveaway

I don't suppose he can help these feelings, but he really needs to learn how to deal with them. He will lose you if he carries on this way. His loss if it happens, but maybe it will help him grow up. Not much fun though :frown:

[Gareth125]

I agree with Marshlander . His attitude needs to change .

This issue will probably be an issue in every relationship that he has unless he gets over it now, so by being firm and assertive you would actually be doing him a favour.

I had another idea , Why not pesuade him to make your own porn movie , just between to two of you, then you can jack off to this and he can't get angry and upest about it really can he? This would introduce him to the idea that porn can enhance a relationship if you both want it to.

[SrChulo]

Haha gareth... I don't know how well that'd go over As for control in the relationship, I make sure to maintain my control over myself. It happens that I tend to be more injected into his life than he is into mine, but that is because of a lot of factors. I'm the foreigner in this country, just moved here, i.e. i don't HAVE a life here yet. Also, the things that he has shared with me in his life are amazing... i have the time of my life doing them. I do have control over my actions. There might have been a period in the beginning where I was a bit of a "yes man" but those days are long over. He's also met my other friends... we've hung out w/ them many times. The things he wants to share with me are the things that I can't really offer back... like.. horseback riding and wakeboarding. lol I don't have a boat or a horse. But this has not been an issue. He always says how happy he is to share this stuff with me, and he is ecstatic that we have these common interests too.

Matty7- He has not been brought up in an overly religious upbringing, but his childhood probably has everything to do with the man he has become. The good, bad and in-between. He had a rough childhood, that's for sure, and I haven't exactly pinpointed any cause/effect issues... but i'm learning more. For example, he absolutely loves to be told that he is missed, that he's loved, and he loves to be caressed. His mom and dad never used to say "i love you" to him... I mean.. how sad is that?

Well, he called me on my way home from work but we couldn't really talk. He sounded okay. He is much easier to talk to (less sarcasm) the day after. When he's tired, he can be difficult. That's normal I guess.

I will see how he feels about it today. I am trying to think of my parents' relationship for example. (very solid, healthy relationship). I think my mom would be devastated if she walked in on my dad watching porn. (haha.. why am i willingly envisioning this about my own parents? )

Is that an example to follow? They are two people who I respect and love, married 25 years, and I naturally have learned to treat people the way that they treat people.

I am not going all softy on this issue... i'm just really trying to think about it. I don't want to feel guilty, like some of you said. I also don't want to fake giving in to give him the feeling he's right. But right now I am not convinced that I am right.. I want to think I am. But of course I want to respect the fact that he... doesn't like that I watch a video of other men instead of him (he made that a point). Remember, it's the porn that he doesn't agree with, not masturbation.

I don't know. I'm not going to make any rash decisions yet. I'm still really confused. (Also he claims that he doesn't understand why i'm confused. :|)

[colinmackay]

Some people love it that he can be specially thoughtful because he saves or bookmarks stuff he thinks I'll enjoy ... did I say "I"? OOPS! What a giveaway

That's rather sweet.

[Gareth125]

Haha gareth... I don't know how well that'd go over As for control in the relationship, I make sure to maintain my control over myself. It happens that I tend to be more injected into his life than he is into mine, but that is because of a lot of factors. I'm the foreigner in this country, just moved here, i.e. i don't HAVE a life here yet. Also, the things that he has shared with me in his life are amazing... i have the time of my life doing them. I do have control over my actions. There might have been a period in the beginning where I was a bit of a "yes man" but those days are long over. He's also met my other friends... we've hung out w/ them many times. The things he wants to share with me are the things that I can't really offer back... like.. horseback riding and wakeboarding. lol I don't have a boat or a horse. But this has not been an issue. He always says how happy he is to share this stuff with me, and he is ecstatic that we have these common interests too.

Matty7- He has not been brought up in an overly religious upbringing, but his childhood probably has everything to do with the man he has become. The good, bad and in-between. He had a rough childhood, that's for sure, and I haven't exactly pinpointed any cause/effect issues... but i'm learning more. For example, he absolutely loves to be told that he is missed, that he's loved, and he loves to be caressed. His mom and dad never used to say "i love you" to him... I mean.. how sad is that?

Well, he called me on my way home from work but we couldn't really talk. He sounded okay. He is much easier to talk to (less sarcasm) the day after. When he's tired, he can be difficult. That's normal I guess.

I will see how he feels about it today. I am trying to think of my parents' relationship for example. (very solid, healthy relationship). I think my mom would be devastated if she walked in on my dad watching porn. (haha.. why am i willingly envisioning this about my own parents? )

Is that an example to follow? They are two people who I respect and love, married 25 years, and I naturally have learned to treat people the way that they treat people.

I am not going all softy on this issue... i'm just really trying to think about it. I don't want to feel guilty, like some of you said. I also don't want to fake giving in to give him the feeling he's right. But right now I am not convinced that I am right.. I want to think I am. But of course I want to respect the fact that he... doesn't like that I watch a video of other men instead of him (he made that a point). Remember, it's the porn that he doesn't agree with, not masturbation.

I don't know. I'm not going to make any rash decisions yet. I'm still really confused. (Also he claims that he doesn't understand why i'm confused. :|)

I think by the sounds of it , much of his issues and insecurities lie with his oppressive childhood . The need to be complimented , and told that he is loved are signs to me that he is very needy and may have difficulties forming deep and fullfilling relationships. A relationship with this type of person is not easy because the insecurities get in the way , relationships can be overbearing and overwhelming one min, whilst the next min they can be controling , critical and unreasonable the next .
You are obviously a very caring guy who loves him very much and he is very lucky to have you , but if things get too much and you find yourself unble to give him the security he needs , then think of yourself first and move on ...hard as it is, because he will probably be like this for the rest of his life . Good luck , whatever you decide to do

[nick]

I jack off and so does my partner and we both know each other does. We agreed not to look at porn though and I'd be really angry if he did.

[peterinmalaga]

There is nobody in this world that I tell everything to. Though I can't think of anything I have withheld from my bf, I can't see either why I should feel obliged to tell him the whole truth about everything. I don't want people to tell me the whole truth as they see it either. For example today a friend told me something negative that a friend of hers had told her about me. I wish she hadn't said this, because I don't know what to do with that information.
Both I and my bf have no problem with masturbating and watching porn. If your bf does not see things that way, that is his problem and he should not project that onto you, especially not in a way that is moralising and puts you down. He is being unrealistic too in his demands.
Coming back to my original point, I do not see why you should feel obliged to tell him about everything you do when you are not with him, as long as you honestly believe that you are not doing anything to damage your relationship. You are primarily responsible to yourself for your actions and you are the arbiter of what is right and wrong in your own behaviour. I think that he should respect the fact that you live your lives by different moral codes in some respects. As a Spaniard, he is probably catholic, you might be jewish, protestant, an atheist, whatever. This in itself does not make you incompatible as a couple, unless one of you cannot respect the other person's right to see things differently.
This is all about respect. Respect yourself and tell him that you expect him to respect your point of view.