Sex Drive Issues With Partner

[Anonymous]

I need some help here...

My partner and I chatted online for about a year before I finally made the plunge to be with him, and moved in. During this time where we chatted online and talked on the phone, he had surgery on his back. One of the side effects from his surgery was that his sex drive could diminish. And when I say diminish, disappear completely.

Now, when I got here, everything was awesome. That first night I was here, we pretty much could not stop kissing, and we ended up making out, and he gave me a blowjob. And ever since then, every night for about a month and a half, we fell asleep holding one another. Or we'd wake up and switch positions so that we were holding each other.

Well, then all of a sudden, he started saying that I was hovering over him, just like his ex did (and he and his ex parted ways pretty badly, his ex screwed him over royally, and was abusive towards him), and ultimately I was smothering him by holding him at night, and that when I messaged him during the day, he felt like I was checking in on him, just like another ex of his. It really hurt for me to be compared to people in his past. The biggest thing is, he then told me that he just had no interest in sex. So in one weekend, I took a massive emotional beating, but still am with him to this day.

We kiss each other goodbye before we leave for work, and we kiss each other good night. I can't even get myself to be that close to him right now. I told him that I would still be here for him when he's ready to talk, but through a close/mutual friend (who has been very instrumental in supporting me in my emotional upset right now), she tells me that he loves me, does not want me to go anywhere, and is scared to talk to me.

And the sex part really bothers me. I have not talked about anything related to sex with him for over two weeks (this whole bombshell happened two weeks ago). But the other night, he mentioned something about his back, and in a joking manner, I mentioned that maybe a kink needed to be worked out (muscle / tendon just popping back into place - he was going to lift something at work and his back popped,and he had some severe pain, but right now is feeling good). He rolled his eyes, even at the mention of the word 'kink'.

Because of how he is so silent about all this to me, it bothers me to a point where I just can't talk about it. Just try to go on like we normally did. But right now, I'm just feeling so lonely. As if, I'm just a body next to him in bed, and someone around the house. When I moved down here, I was hoping things would be different, and basically, his past is haunting him to a point where I just feel pushed away. And yesterday, my emotions could not take anymore, and I broke down in the laundry room, and just really wishing and wanting his arms around me right then, and I knew I couldn't get that. I have no friends where I am now, it is just him, and he has barely any friends around here either.

I am in no way pressuring him, but I have told him that he can talk to me about anything. I'm not going to reject him, judge him, or leave him. I can't.

Any advice on how I should handle this? Two weeks later, and I'm just going on hopes right now, and I'm not sure if my emotions and heart can take any more of this.

[eastofeden]

My advice would be to tell him plainly exactly what is bothering you. Do not hold anything back...be upfront and honest. Then...listen to his response. If he has no response or no empathy for your concerns you might consider moving on. Don't let him make you pay for someone else's mistakes because you have your own to make...we all do. Good Luck!

[matty7]

dont think you need to bother with the anonymous option now mate - a few people have probably read it already, its just not everyone replies straight away

i wish i had a great answer for you but i can only guess really - perhaps he feels like history is repeating itself, maybe he feels this relashionship is turning into his previous one where he got hurt if he feels your are smothering him as he puts it, unless he really talks to you about it then it must feel like your on the outside looking in and not sure how to change things, its a shame you have no friends there to turn to mate - hopefully some of the wiser heads on here can give you some good advice - all the best anyway

[Gareth125]

It sounds to me that the problem is not you , moreover the effects of the abusive relationship he had previously and the emotional scars that this has caused him . My guess is he has probably told you very little of what actually happened because it may be so painful for him to talk about and he may have only told you the minor bits that he thinks you can deal with. Be there for him but encourage him to get some help , maybe councelling. Only when he can come to terms with the past will he be able to deal physically with another relationship

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to tell him plainly exactly what is bothering you. Do not hold anything back...be upfront and honest. Then...listen to his response. If he has no response or no empathy for your concerns you might consider moving on. Don't let him make you pay for someone else's mistakes because you have your own to make...we all do. Good Luck!

Unfortunately, I can't allow myself to do that. He has been a close friend of mine for over a year, and we decided to take the plunge together, since we had an idea that we would work out so well. For me to up and leave him would pretty much kill him. Like I said, he does not want me to go anywhere (he actually told me this).

[Anonymous]

dont think you need to bother with the anonymous option now mate - a few people have probably read it already, its just not everyone replies straight away

i wish i had a great answer for you but i can only guess really - perhaps he feels like history is repeating itself, maybe he feels this relashionship is turning into his previous one where he got hurt if he feels your are smothering him as he puts it, unless he really talks to you about it then it must feel like your on the outside looking in and not sure how to change things, its a shame you have no friends there to turn to mate - hopefully some of the wiser heads on here can give you some good advice - all the best anyway

Your guess is as good as mine, and I do feel that way. He has let me into some of his life, and have been there for him in times of complete emotional upset for him. Talked him through it, and just really felt for him. I won't speak on the exact topics discussed, but some do revolve around his ex.

His ex was flat-out abusive... physically and emotionally. I know quite a bit about what happened, and he actually did not want to tell me until he was out of the house. We're in the process of getting him back on his feet, and I am hoping with the space I have given him, that this helps things. Unlike this ex, I do work and make an income. I'm not forceful, pushy, or anything. I have a couple friends to turn to, who have been really supportive, which is good, but the more insight I can get, the better. I just don't want to hear shallow comments such as 'OMG LEAVE HIM!!' or anything like that, considering this is someone who I still consider a close friend, and is going through a rough patch with a lot of stuff. I'm not an arse like that.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me that the problem is not you , moreover the effects of the abusive relationship he had previously and the emotional scars that this has caused him . My guess is he has probably told you very little of what actually happened because it may be so painful for him to talk about and he may have only told you the minor bits that he thinks you can deal with. Be there for him but encourage him to get some help , maybe councelling. Only when he can come to terms with the past will he be able to deal physically with another relationship

He has told me quite a bit. Personally, I hate even the mention of his name, because it sends chills down my spine, and makes my fists clench. This ex of his just literally destroyed what this man is truly about, and I'm feeling the area effect.

I would like for him to seek counselling of some sort. Although I'm still very touchy about where and when I can suggest something of the sort.

[juk]

Hey,

I have been in a similar situation with someone who is now (for very unconnected reasons) is my ex. Its a shit of a situation to be in, but you do seem to care enough to be there for him while he goes through this.

What I did was made sure my partner knew I was there for him, and made sure he knew I cared and was there going to stick by him. I went out of my way to make him feel the opposite of how his ex had made him feel. In time he worked through his difficult patch and things got back to normal.

What I didnt do though was give him the impression that my feelings didnt matter in this, and I didnt let him use his emotional state as a 24hr 'get out of jail free' card. If I was unhappy about something then we talked, and if that was uncomfortable for him I understood, but still talked about things.

I guess what I am trying to say is be as supportive as possible, but dont let become something that excuses all behaviour. To get through this you have to work towards how you need things to be between you rather than work towards better, then towards what you need.

I hope that makes sense, although I am not sure if it does!

Oh and to reiterate our relationship didnt end because of this episode!

I wish you all the best, your partner sounds like he has a really good guy by his side mile:

[Anonymous]

Hey,

I have been in a similar situation with someone who is now (for very unconnected reasons) is my ex. Its a shit of a situation to be in, but you do seem to care enough to be there for him while he goes through this.

What I did was made sure my partner knew I was there for him, and made sure he knew I cared and was there going to stick by him. I went out of my way to make him feel the opposite of how his ex had made him feel. In time he worked through his difficult patch and things got back to normal.

What I didnt do though was give him the impression that my feelings didnt matter in this, and I didnt let him use his emotional state as a 24hr 'get out of jail free' card. If I was unhappy about something then we talked, and if that was uncomfortable for him I understood, but still talked about things.

I guess what I am trying to say is be as supportive as possible, but dont let become something that excuses all behaviour. To get through this you have to work towards how you need things to be between you rather than work towards better, then towards what you need.

I hope that makes sense, although I am not sure if it does!

Oh and to reiterate our relationship didnt end because of this episode!

I wish you all the best, your partner sounds like he has a really good guy by his side mile:

Oh he knows that I am there for him. And he acknowledges that I have my 'needs' (as he puts it), and I really don't think he would do anything behind my back. But at the same time, I want to be supportive, but I want him to come to me. As of late he has been coming around more out of that shell he built, and actually did call me yesterday, messaged me yesterday. So those are good signs.

The thing is, I really don't know what his ex TRULY did, aside from make his life a complete living hell, and deliberately abused him... even while he was recovering from back surgery. Before we decided to come together, I helped him out so much financially. And I was there for him when things got rough for him emotionally. There was one night where he was at his abosolute lowest, and we talked for a total of 5 hours. He told me how he needed me so much, and I just knew that I needed to be with him, no other way around it.

I did kind of expect this though, it was in the back of my mind. But things were well worth the risk. And it would be my honor to be there for him. He does mention my 'needs' as a way of opening the relationship up, but honestly, I do not want sex from random people, friends with benefits, or any of the sort. Just can't do it.

Part of me would just love to tell him that those people that burned him are in the past for such reasons, and we are here together now for a purpose. But he has to come to his own resolutions, and he is very free to talk to me about anything. I told him that.

[Anonymous]

CORRECTION: 'Told him that' - meaning, I told him he can come to me about anything, whenever he wants.