I admittedly snooped through my boyfriend's computer, and discovered that he had been contacting (ie emailing, webcamming, sending pics) men through craigslist and other similar sites. he would write things such as "str8 acting, must be discreet, on the dl" and seemed to want a "jo/bj" buddy. these are all new terms to me!
i confronted him about it and he confessed to this "problem" of his as an "addiction." it apparently began when he was 17, when he would watch porn with his male neighbor and they would masturbate together. i was so shocked at the time i didnt think to ask if they touched each other or if is was gay porn.
i truly believed he loved me, and we had plans for marriage. he has been texting and calling me constantly, begging me to take him back. he says he will be alone for the rest of his life if we dont reunite. he promises to never do any of this again.
i need some opinions. is he gay, and afraid to admit this to himself? to me, getting off to the sight of other men is gay. i can accept him if he is bi, however, what he was doing online was cheating regardless of the sex he was doing it with. i mean, being bi doesnt give him a free pass to not be monogamous. i asked him if he was gay, and he said no.
i am hurt, confused, shocked, and full of anguish. please help!
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hereforanswers23 Wrote:I admittedly snooped through my boyfriend's computer, and discovered that he had been contacting (ie emailing, webcamming, sending pics) men through craigslist and other similar sites. he would write things such as "str8 acting, must be discreet, on the dl" and seemed to want a "jo/bj" buddy. these are all new terms to me!
i confronted him about it and he confessed to this "problem" of his as an "addiction." it apparently began when he was 17, when he would watch porn with his male neighbor and they would masturbate together. i was so shocked at the time i didnt think to ask if they touched each other or if is was gay porn.
i truly believed he loved me, and we had plans for marriage. he has been texting and calling me constantly, begging me to take him back. he says he will be alone for the rest of his life if we dont reunite. he promises to never do any of this again.
i need some opinions. is he gay, and afraid to admit this to himself? to me, getting off to the sight of other men is gay. i can accept him if he is bi, however, what he was doing online was cheating regardless of the sex he was doing it with. i mean, being bi doesnt give him a free pass to not be monogamous. i asked him if he was gay, and he said no.
i am hurt, confused, shocked, and full of anguish. please help!
Hiya,
Sounds like a difficult time, your mind must be racing, you come across as very calm although very hurt. I am sure there will be lots of really good advice and support here for you.
The truth is only your boyfriend can say if he is gay, bi or other - but he may not be sure of things himself right now. I would be certain that he did not intend to hurt you though.
You are right when you say that what he was doing was unacceptable as you expect him to be faithful to you during your relationship, and indeed if he does decide he is bi it is not a free pass to go sleep with men when he wants. If it is purely getting off to porn then I could imagine that would be somewhat acceptable in your relationship, the old look but dont touch rule.
I think lots of talking is needed here to establish many things, and to see if the way forward is together or apart. I would imagine that if he could stop what he has been doing but not sure if he would stop forever.
There are some people here with far better minds than mine, or at least make their point/give advice better than I do, so hang in for more advice soon.
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Damn, people do a lot of things to themselves and each other! I married at 19 was married for over twenty years although it took me until I was nearly forty to begin to deal with being gay.
He has not behaved honourably, but it sounds like he is living with a drive that is getting increasingly difficult to ignore. Men in that situation find all sorts of ways to justify their behaviour. I doubt you were wrong to believe he loved you; he probably did and very likely still does to the best of his ability and understanding. However, that's where the ball bounces on to your side of the net. Is what he can offer you ever going to be enough for you? What do you need and feel you deserve out of this relationship? Despite his intentions and assertions, he is unlikely ever to be able to lose his interest in men and at some stage is going to feel unfulfilled. It would be awful if he started to take that feeling and use it against you and the relationship.
I believe that people can work these things out and allow each other off the leash, but it takes a lot of talking and a lot of trust. You need to establish rules that would work for you both and both be prepared to stick to them. You have both shown that trust doesn't come easily, he by trolling the web for sex without your knowledge and you by "snooping" through his computer. You could both call your activities "curiosity" or some other more innocent-sounding name, but it comes down to the same thing in the end. The begging and texting may feed your ego, but it is ultimately demeaning for both off you and begins to set a pattern I can imagine being played out many times in years to come.
Sometimes we simply don't have the vocabulary to be able to articulate our feelings and our basic needs. There are going to be all sorts of reasons for this, but upbringing is a tough one to shake off. The only way I can see this relationship having any chance of long-term happiness is if you can both shake off convention and redefine your relationship in terms that you can both find acceptable. This means you are going to face a lot of questions and perhaps opposition from family and friends. I imagine you must feel like you are in an impossible place at the moment. You are also going to have to confront the possible truth that you cannot live like this indefinitely.
In a way it is a good thing to know about this before you have committed through marriage and there are children involved. Can you deal with what is going to be needed to take this relationship into the longer future or is it best to experience the pain now of ending it?
Good luck. You are both going to need it. Being angry, hurt and confused is completely normal and understandable. Could you try not to blame yourself, or him? These horrible things happen and I fear they will continue to happen while we live in the kind of societies that try to define for us what they think we should need. The pressures of the world around us invite us to deceive the ones we love most. It doesn't have to be like that. I have discovered for myself the peace that comes with having the confidence in a loved one to be completely honest. I hope you can find the same.
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The whole thing could just be something that he relates with having a friend. Try not to put a label on it love, it's making your situation difficult. If your relationship is good sexually then he's not gay, I know from experience... things just wouldn't work if he was gay.
In my opinion you should give him another chance, see how he fares with that. Don't panic yourself about the mental reason behind his actions. People have spent their life trying to figure out the human brain, as this situation isn't common i don't think anyone will have a reason for why it happens.
Feel free to talk to him about it, if he wants you to come to terms with it then he will tell you what he knows. Try finding out about his past friends- did he have trouble bonding with his guy friends? This could be a cause of this mess.
Good luck darling, and we're all here for you, supporting you no matter what.
-Matthew.
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He is probably bisexual and he probably does love you as he says he does. My advice is to think about it and decide if you can accept and deal with being in love with and married to a bisexual man. It is unlikely he will change..good luck!
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Pickles Wrote:... If your relationship is good sexually then he's not gay, I know from experience... things just wouldn't work if he was gay ... Count yourself lucky. Things are often more complicated than you seem to be suggesting.
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Thank you all so much for your insight! I do believe you can truly love someone regardless of their sex, and after a long talk with my boyfriend we decided to give it another go. I guess I just needed to take a leap of faith.
I have also encouraged him to see a psychologist because he believes he is "sick." It worries me to think that he is ashamed of his sexuality, and he has the archaic belief that there must be something wrong with him. Hopefully once he is honest and accepting of himself, every other aspect of his life will begin to fall into place. Thank you all once again! :biggrin:
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