Conservative. Christian. Newlywed. Damnit.

[marriednconfused]

So I'm freaking out and need some serious fucking advice. We've been married for like a year and a half now. I had slept with a few girls before getting married but she was a total virgin. I figured it would all work out. For the past year we've nearly had ZERO sex. Getting head has never even been on the menu. I didn't even know there were that many excuses in the book it's like not even worth trying anymore.

So over the years I've watched tranny porn and then very occasionally some gay stuff. Never acted out on anything it was just random ya know. So fast forward until about 3 months ago and I find myself looking at more gay porn (there are so many frickin tube sites?!) and getting way too turned on...

I've been kinda checking out craigslists for awhile just out of curiosity mostly until last week. I made a post explaining my deal and ended up exchanging some emails with a guy who had a girlfriend but had experimented with guys here and there. So I go over to his apartment and he is really chill. We chat for a bit then start jerking off. He just reaches out and grabs my cock like its the most normal thing in the world?! After a couple elbow bumps I lean back back a bit and his mouth goes straight for my cock. I kind of grunted and pushed him away at first, but he kept trying and eventually I relented. After I came in his mouth I felt SO FUCKING SHITTY. I was like umm okay see ya later.

So at this point I'm scared shitless. He emailed me for the second time yesterday and he's been really cool about it. I feel so conflicted. My wife is going to her parents in two weeks and I feel like I'm not going to be able to control myself.

So I'm really damn confused. My head is saying RUN RUN but I feel like I NEED THIS. My wife means the world to me but it's just become so frustrating. I don't feel relationally drawn to guys at all... I don't think I could ever bottom or top (except maybe for a cute tranny?) but the thought of frotting or getting head whenever I want is SOO appealing.

I feel like my options at this point are:

a) keeping trying to improve our sex life and resist the temptation
b) secretly try out guys, hopefully its a passing fad?

I don't feel like I really have any other options than that actually. Thanks for any help or experience you can offer. :confused:

[Gareth125]

My advice would be to not deny your inner thoughts and feelings . I was married for 10 years , sex not existant , anything that did happen I would be imagining i was with a guy . The first stage is to accept that you have these thoughts and feelings and to not beat yourself up about it or feel guilty that you have them . My experience was that those feelings never went away no matter how hard I tried to kid myself , tellin myself they were fantasies etc . All the time my relationship with my wife was ok I could bury those feelings , but all the time i would jack off to gay porn when my wife was out . When things started to go wrong in the relationship It was like a huge tannoy system in my head saying " YOUR GAY!!!!" . I went through years of this . Then gradually I accepted myself for who i was and it was only then I could build up the courage to make the changes in my life i needed . Figure out what you want , not what other people expect of you and how u being you may let other people down etc . It is more painful to lose precious years of you life than to accept in the end who you truely are . Only when you accept your thoughts and feelings as being part of you should you experiment with guys etc , otherwise you will beat yourself up emotionally about what u are doing . If you are gay ( and only you can decide ... if you jack off thinking of guys and rarely or never about women then thats a big clue in my opinion) then isnt it better for you to live the life and be true to yourself than live in denial of your true self . You only have one life , dont leave it like me till your 40 to come out and then regret all the years u have missed out on . I had my first propper gay experience with a man a couple of weeks ago , it was truely amazing , felt so natural and normal , I realised then who I should have always been and what I had missed out on . For me there is nothing more amazing than waking up in the morning with a hot sexy naked guy lying next to me . I found the whole experience truely liberating . Good luck in whatever you decide to do and if I can be of any support and help in any way please get in touch

[peterinmalaga]

I feel like my options at this point are:
a) keeping trying to improve our sex life and resist the temptation
Do you know what Oscar Wilde said?
"I can resist anything except temptation!"
b) secretly try out guys, hopefully its a passing fad?
"passing fad"? I don't think so.
I think you'd better find another option.

[fenris]

I think as long as you don´t know who you are, what you feel and what you want, every decision you do can only be wrong. Take time ... watch yourself ... try to find out who you are.
Come here often, look around, see what other people say, .. how they live ..how they get to their decisions and than you can decide what will be the best way for you. Try to find people to talk with and about you.
I`m sure that you find your way... but it takes time.

[juk]

Dont be in any rush to try and prove something to yourself. You can have a little of option a and a little of option b surely?

I know there are many guys out there who are gay/bi and dont have an interest in relationships with men, also there are many who dont like the idea of top or bottom - these things do not stop them having an attraction to men.

[marshlander]

Sorry to read about your predicament. I too was married for decades and, like with Gareth, it was bearable when things were okay, but when they weren't it all went very badly indeed.

At the age of 27 I doubt this is a passing fad. It's much more likely to be a recurring theme which is going to haunt you and eventually bite you if you don't face up to what's going on.

In my case, I could never work out what the fuss was about sex, until I met, fell for a man and admitted to myself that this was what I really wanted. That first sexual experience, with a man for whom I had real feelings, answered all those questions and I knew what the fuss was about!! I can sympathise completely with the conflict you feel between your head and your groin. Every time I went with a man I promised myself it would NEVER happen again. As I got to my late thirties the call to seek out men became inexplicably stronger, more frequent and insistant. When your heart comes into play too is when it really will kick off.

You have some tough decisions ahead of you. There are many men who manage to pull off living a double life. It didn't work for me. However, coming out to my Mormon wife when still married wasn't a clever move either. With any luck you don't yet have children. Your wife is bound to be wondering why you don't find her attractive, whether she says something or not.

Best wishes to you both.